Home
by RedHeadedFlame
Summary: Katniss Everdeen loves travelling the world and experiencing new places. However an unexpected proposal in Italy drives her back to her small home town and to the man she had thought she had long forgotten.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I'm back with this latest adventure! The premise of this story is based on the film _Sweet Home Alabama_. I'll warn Everlark fans now, you are probably not going to like this first chapter much but anyone familiar with the film will know how Peeta fits into this and no matter how the story starts out, it is very much an Everlark story. I hope you enjoy it.**

 **Disclaimer** **: I don't own the Hunger Games or any of its characters.**

* * *

 _Chapter 1_

A chorus of different languages swirl round the warm spring breeze. Tourists from all over the world widen their eyes in awe as they take in the impressive sight of the Roman gladiatorial arena before they begin their excited chatter about actually being inside the Colosseum. I am also in awe of the sheer scale of the thing. I have been to big football games before but modern stadiums have nothing on the eighty feet high entrances and beautifully crafted columns. You could fit the entire population of my small home town in here ten times over. A shiver goes up my spine at the thought of sixty thousand blood thirsty spectators all hustling their way into here to catch the latest fight to the death.

To the left of me another American family stand at the edge of the top tier with excited smiles and cameras around their necks. Their son stands proudly wearing his Roman Empire souvenir t-shirt and has a wooden sword in his hand. His parents encourage him to smile and then look scary as they snap various pictures of their son set against the backdrop of the ancient structure.

I look at them with a frown, slightly disturbed by them encouraging their son to act in such a way in a place where so many people lost their lives.

"It's kind of creepy having all these people smiling and taking selfies in a place where people were literally asked to fight to the death," I say turning to my boyfriend who stands beside me.

Cato nods his head in agreement as his eyes sweep over the labyrinth of tunnels and prisons that lie below us. I can't even contemplate what it must have felt like to live in one of those cages, just waiting to be sent to slaughter.

"I think people forget how horrific these games were because it was so long ago. And it was all supposed to be in the name of entertainment. What happened here is really not much better than what happened in Auschwitz but that is fresher in everyone's minds. A reminder that humanity hasn't come that far since the Romans," he replies.

I look at his side profile as he speaks. I nod my head before sighing and turning back to look at that family. They have finished taking photos and their son is already darting off to find the next cool thing to see. It makes me feel a little sick to think of him running back to all his friends at school and declaring how awesome this place is.

"You just hope that it doesn't come to this again. I mean this was like the first form of reality TV. And today some people will do anything to get their fifteen minutes of fame. Who is to say that in the future we will not all be sitting down on a Monday night to watch the latest kids fighting for their lives?" I say.

Cato turns to me with a smile.

"Always so bleak, Katniss. Have a bit of faith in humanity and believe we have learned enough throughout history to not repeat this mistake," he replies.

I smile and shake my head at him before I gently nudge him in the ribs.

"Well, remember I have been to a rodeo and riding a bull is only a little less dangerous than fighting a lion. I am sure there are people from my hometown stupid enough to think that if they can handle a bull they can handle a lion," I reply.

Cato laughs.

"You make everyone in your hometown sound so primitive," he says.

"Panem is at least ten years behind everywhere else. It was big excitement when the town got Wi-Fi last year," I reply shaking my head.

Cato smiles again as we begin following the crowd round the top tier of the Colosseum.

"It really can't be as bad as you make it out to be," he says.

In the four years we have been dating I haven't taken him to Panem once. I am embarrassed by how much of a backwater town it is.

"You have always lived in New York. You can't even comprehend what it is like to not be able to hop out and pick up a coffee whenever you want or have to travel two hours just to get to a store that sells clothes. Believe me, it is worse than I make out," I reply.

Cato nods his head before he gets stopped by some Spanish tourists who ask us to take a picture of them. Cato politely obliges as he takes their camera off them and allows them time to get into position.

He has no idea how simple my life was back in Panem. I was born and raised in the small town in south Alabama. The total population of the town barely reaches six thousand and the majority of people earn their living through farming and running of local stores. Very few people leave the town and many have never traveled further than the two hours to the next larger town.

I hated it growing up. The suffocating nature of everyone knowing everyone's business. The complete lack of ambition to be anything other than a farmer. No curiosity at all to discover the other wonders the world can offer.

I managed to escape when I was nineteen. I got accepted into NYU to major in biology and took off without looking back. I have not been back in nearly nine years. And I haven't missed it for one moment.

When I left I was so eager to see and experience the world. For too long I had been confined and restrained and I was itching to broaden my horizons. I spent all my student loans travelling and taking up research trips to make sure I got to see as much as the world as possible.

I have traveled all over; kayaked down The Amazon, sky dived in New Zealand, marvelled at architecture in St Petersburg and visited hot springs in Iceland. In every place I have learned something new and placed a part of it inside of me. Even now I have graduated and got a job working at a biology research lab, I still find time to travel. I love seeing places totally different from the last place I have visited.

Meeting Cato was meeting the perfect travelling companion. We met four years ago at a fundraising ball my research company was hosting. Cato comes from a wealthy family who own a large publishing company in New York and had been sent along to donate some money. We bumped into each other, hiding at the back of the ballroom and sneaking swigs of whiskey from hip flasks. We spent the whole night exchanging stories of our escapades abroad and laughing at each other's travelling mishaps.

Cato is as big a traveller as me. But unlike me he has been travelling since he was a child. His parents whisked him away on vacations to Cuba, Kenya and Copenhagen. As a kid he was captivated by all the different sounds and colours each new place brought with it. I can't believe I have met someone who shares my love and enthusiasm for exploring and immersing themselves in new places.

We have spent the last week and a half travelling Italy. We have enjoyed the panoramic views of Florence from the Piazzale Michelangelo and relaxed on overpriced gondola rides in Venice. It is perhaps the most commercialised vacation we have been on. We tend to go to places slightly off the beaten track but Cato insisted that you have to see these things at least once. And the luscious food has made up for the fact we have to push our way through crowds of tourists.

"So now we have seen all the tourists honeypots I can take you to all the hidden gems Rome has to offer. We'll finally see the real Rome," Cato says with a cheeky smile after the Spanish tourists have moved on.

I grin as he slips his hand into mine and we continue our walk round the Colosseum. The promise of finding secret places is more exciting than finally seeing the structures we saw in our history textbooks.

* * *

We spend the next couple of days seeing the parts of Rome that are not on the front of all the tourist guides. Italian monks show us the extraordinary library at the San Carlo alle Quattro Fontane. We eat gelato straight out the machine at this little place just past Piazza Navona and see three countries at once as we look through a key hole at Giardino degli Aranci. I enjoy exploring every nook and cranny that Rome has to offer.

On our last night in this beautiful and historic country, I sit on the large king's size bed pressing a small flower Cato had picked for me into an old notebook. I smile at the memory of Cato threading the flowers in my hair as we lounged in the park today. In that moment we didn't have to think about anything other than ourselves. I just felt content.

I put some weight on top of the notebook and leave it to rest on the dressing table. The room is a bit of a mess and I am surrounded by open suitcases and clothes lying everywhere.

"You must be the only person who still keeps a photo album," Cato says as he comes back through from the ensuite bathroom.

He is dressed for the night and looks very handsome in his beige corduroy pants and baby blue shirt that has been rolled up at the elbows. His short blond hair has just the hint of product in it. The outfit shows off his toned physique well and the colour of the shirt brings out the ice blue colour of his eyes. Many of my friends mutter their jealousies over the fact I have been able to snag such a good looking boyfriend. But it was never his looks that attracted me to him in the first place.

"It is not a photo album. It's a scrap book," I say as I get off the bed to put on my jewellery.

We are going to an expensive local restaurant tonight and Cato insisted we dress up. I am wearing a high necked, sleeveless white dress with parts cut away and held together with shiny pearls. The dress falls to just above the knee and fits me like a glove. It cost me half a month's wages and is more than I could have dreamed of owning back in Panem.

Cato gives me a cheeky grin as he makes his way behind me and places his hands on my waist.

"My apologies. You must be the only person alive who still keeps a _scrap book_ ," he says teasingly.

I turn round to give him a scowl and gently elbow him the ribs. He lets out a small sound of discomfort and he rubs the spot I just nudged as I turn back to look in the mirror. I have been keeping scrap books ever since I arrived in New York. They are a great reminder of how far I have come since I left my small home town.

"Seriously. Why don't you do it all on the computer? It'd be much easier," he says.

He pulls my back against his chest and rests his chin on top of my shoulder as he look at me through the mirror. My face softens as I turn back round to face him.

"Because I can't put that bit of sea glass that closely matches the colour of your eyes or the smell of the packet of spices we tried in India in a computer. My scrap book is more that photos. It is memories. When I smell those spices or feel that sea glass I remember exactly how I felt when I first experienced them. I remember the joy and amazement and curiosity. I don't get that from a photo on a screen," I reply.

Cato looks down at me lovingly and bends down to rest his forehead against mine.

"I didn't know you were so sentimental," he says.

I smile and place a hand on his cheek so I can reach up and give him a quick kiss.

"I just want to remember those moments. Because it is a reminder of how I got out of that small town and actually lived my life. A reminder that I am free to experience all the world has to give and not be confined to what others expect of me," I reply.

Cato smiles again as he steps back slightly to get ready to leave.

"Well, I'm glad that you let me tag along for the ride," he says with a smile.

I smile broadly back at him as he turns to get his wallet and room key while I begin packing things into my purse. I am just glad that he has the ambition and adventure to explore the world with me.

* * *

The popular restaurant is beautifully set against the back drop of Rome. Most people eat in the open, surrounded by softly lit candles and the sounds of traditional Italian music played by a live band. The waiters are all smiling and energetic as they seem to dance round the tables. I laugh when I see one drop to his knees to serenade a woman whose birthday is today. Cato keeps me close to his side, with one hand gently placed on the small of my back, as he talks to the hostess.

Cato had an Italian nanny while he was growing up and has impressed me on many occasions on this trip as he has conversed fluently with the locals. The sound of him speaking Italian causes goosebumps to rise onto my skin. The soft velvety tones of his voice seep into my skin and seem to settle in my core. I have to shift on my feet as the effect leaves a dampness in my underwear.

Cato turns back round with a wide smile once the hostess has checked our reservation. He must see my slightly flushed look as he pulls me in close to him and the front of his pants lightly bumps against my core. His eyes darken slightly as he dips his head closer to mine.

"Is everything alright?" he asks with a glint in his eyes.

I put my hands on his chest to push him off me slightly and to try and get some more air to my flushed cheeks.

"I keep forgetting how sexy you sound when you speak Italian," I reply.

Cato's grin widens as he pulls me back to him once again and whispers in my ear.

"I'll remember that tonight while I am undressing you. I can tell you all the dirty things I am going to do to you in Italian," he whispers.

There is no stopping the wetness soaking my panties now. The bastard knows exactly how to get me worked up. Damn him for turning me on in the middle of a crowded restaurant.

He pulls back with a suggestive smirk as the hostess leads us to our table. I plot on how I am going to pay him back as we are shown to our seats.

The food is amazing. I gorge myself on all the different uncooked meats, mozzarella and olives to start with and then devour the humongous plate of the chef's pasta special. I am almost too full to squeeze in any dessert but Cato knows me well enough to know I will regret not ordering a sugary treat and encourages me to pick something.

We spend most of the meal reliving our favourite parts of our vacation and while we spend a lot of time laughing as we reminisce I sense that Cato is slightly distracted. His laugh sounds a little nervous. He keeps looking at his watch. On several occasions I catch him looking in the direction of our waiter. I frown at his strange behaviour.

He sits up straighter as he catches sight of our waiter bringing our desserts. He keeps his eyes on the waiter and clears his throat as he strokes his hair back. I am left utterly perplexed by it all until I see what the waiter is carrying. He puts down a plate in front of me but instead of my tiramisu there is a small black box.

I sit staring at the black box for a moment as I let it all sink in. I am aware the waiter is standing beside me with a huge smile on his face. More waiters appear with enormous bouquets of red roses and the traditional Italian band changes its song to begin playing the song that was playing when Cato and I first met. The chatter around us dies as everyone stops to listen in to what my boyfriend is about to say.

I hear Cato clear his throat again and I snap my head back up to look at him with wide eyes.

"Before you say anything, I know this is corny. The ring being with the dessert. Believe me. I have picked my brains trying to think of a way to do this without being corny because I know you hate all that stuff but I just couldn't think of anything that was good enough. So I decided, fuck it. I am going all out. This is going to be one big cornball proposal," he says with a grin.

My heart starts hammering in my chest. We have talked briefly about marriage and have been living together for the past two years but I didn't expect this now. He seemed in no rush to settle down.

"I thank God every day that you were bored enough at that fundraiser to hide out at the back and sip whiskey with me. Since I have met you it has been one adventure after another. You have shown me that sharing your adventures with someone else is so much more fulfilling than doing it on your own. I didn't realise you were missing in my life until you entered it. I love you. And I can't imagine not experiencing all that is left to be discovered without you. So, Katniss Everdeen, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?" he asks.

He reaches forward and picks up the black box as he drops to his knee. He opens the lid and a brilliant and large diamond ring stares back up at me. The ring has a round diamond in the centre with a ring of smaller diamonds round it. There are yet more small diamonds set in the platinum band. It really is breathtaking.

I look at the ring and then back at Cato. I can see the nervousness in his eyes and my heart melts at the sight. I am so caught off guard I am not sure I can respond properly.

Gingerly I reach out to take the ring out the box and examine it closely. The clarity and size of the centre diamond is great. I can't even begin to guess what this would have cost. The whole situation overwhelms me a little bit.

But then I look back at Cato and I see the hope and love he has for me in his eyes. This is the man I have been with for the last four years. A man I love and trust and who is willing to see the world with me. My answer could only ever be one thing.

"Yes," I reply as the smile spreads across my face. "Yes, I will marry you."

The joy in Cato's eyes is clear as his grin widens and he reaches across to gather me in his arms. I giggle as his lifts me in the air and plants a sloppy kiss on my lips. The whole restaurant is applauding and if I didn't love him so much I would be embarrassed by such a big public display.

Cato raises my newly ringed finger in the air and declares his delight in front of the busy restaurant.

"This beautiful woman has just agreed to be my wife! I am the luckiest man alive!" he shouts. "Free drinks for everyone to celebrate!"

I let out a nervous laugh as everyone continues to applaud us. It seems a little strange to share such a private moment with a room full of strangers.

Cato finally lets go of my hand and turns to the waiter to order prosecco for every table in the place. The initial euphoria of his proposal is already starting to fade and I smile at him as I go to retake me seat.

As I do so a flash of a very different set of blond hair and blue eyes crosses through my mind.

* * *

Back in the hotel I sit on the bed with my ipad as I wait for my parents to answer. Cato is out on the balcony calling his own parents but my parents still struggle to find the answer button even a year after I bought them an ipad so I could see them more regularly.

The screen continues to show the dialling tone and I stretch my left hand out in front of me, inspecting the new ring on my finger. My mind flickers back again to an early fall night almost eleven years ago. A night under the stars of Alabama with someone else's denim jacket round my shoulders and a much simpler engagement ring.

I haven't thought about him in a long time. I am trying to convince myself that it is only my awkward predicament that has got me thinking about him again today.

But I am jolted out of my thoughts by Mom's voice shouting down the speaker.

"Katniss? Darlin' can you hear me?" Mom shouts.

I roll my eyes as I pick up the ipad. She still hasn't got the hang of speaking through facetime. When I pick up the screen I see that she is peering into the box at the top right hand corner instead of looking down the camera lens.

"Mom, I can see you. Look at the image of me. I don't want to talk to you peering into the corner," I say.

Mom moves her eyes away from the box in the corner to finally look at me through the camera lens. Dad is sitting in the background quietly.

My parents are polar opposites to look at. My mom was very much a southern belle when she was younger with her delicate features, blonde hair, pale skin and bright blue eyes. I take after my dad who is a lot rougher round the edges. His dark hair now has threads of grey streaked through it and his olive skin has a few more wrinkles but his grey eyes still sparkle with youthfulness.

"Oh there you are! Katniss, honey, can you see us?" Mom shouts.

"Yes, Mom. And I can hear you fine. You don't need to shout," I reply.

Mom looks a little embarrassed but does settle back so she is not so close to the camera. Technology is about twenty years behind in Panem and my mom struggles to keep up. She still doesn't trust microwaves and doesn't see the point of telephones since she can walk to her friend's house if she ever needs to speak to someone. It was only after her only daughter left for New York that she realised she would need to get to grips with emails and skype if she wanted to speak to me.

"Are you back from Italy already? I thought your flight wasn't until tomorrow?" she asks.

I smile and my hand immediately goes to rub the shiny ring on my left hand.

"No, we are still here. Flight leaves mid-afternoon tomorrow," I reply.

"Then what's wrong? Are you alright? Are you sick?" Mom asks, getting a bit panicked.

I smile again and clench my fist with the ring on it.

"No, Mom. I am perfectly fine. In fact I am more than fine," I say pausing a moment for dramatic affect. "Cato proposed to me."

The smile reaches right across my face as Mom makes a high pitched shrieking noise and almost falls off her chair. I can see Dad smiling warmly in the background.

"Oh goodness, Katniss! You have just made me one very happy Momma! Do you know I am the only one of my friends that doesn't have her daughter married? I am desperate for some grandbabies!" she screams.

I flinch a little at the mention of grandchildren. I fight away the image of lying in Doctor Fleetwood's small doctor's room with Madge holding my hand.

"I think grandchildren are a couple of years away yet," I reply trying to subdue Mom's reaction.

"Well don't make me wait too long. Madge Hawthorne has just announced her second pregnancy and Delly Andrews already has three little ones!" she exclaims.

I roll my eyes and Dad gives me a sympathetic smile from behind her. Nearly every girl I went to school with, including my best friend Madge, are already married and have at least one kid. There is just not much else to do in Panem. They all get knocked up early to give them some purpose in life.

"Leave her be, Lily. Let's just enjoy the moment. Katniss is happy. You are happy about this, aren't you?" he asks.

I smile at him. I was close to my dad when I lived in Panem. I know he took me leaving hard and that he constantly worries about me living in New York. He always needs to know I am doing okay.

"I'm very happy, Dad," I say with a smile.

He beams back at me and I take a deep breath as I prepare myself to say the next thing. Something I promised I would never do again when I left nine years ago.

"In fact, I am so happy that I want to come and see you when I get back," I add.

The look of complete shock on both my mom and dad's face would almost be comical if I wasn't so nervous about going. I even manage to render Mom speechless for a few seconds.

"You are coming back to Panem?" Mom asks, too scared to hope.

I smile and nod my head. Now that I am engaged to Cato it is vital that I get back to Panem. There is one thing I need to sort out before I can marry him.

Mom squeals and claps her hands together. I haven't been back to Panem since I left nine years ago. Mom and Dad come out to New York once a year but apart from that I have cut all ties from the town. I haven't even spoken to Madge or Gale since I missed their wedding six years ago. I only know what is happening in people's lives from the titbits I get from Mom. There are just too many bad memories.

"Oh! Everyone will be so excited to see you! They all ask about how you are doing in New York all the time! We'll have to have a big party to celebrate when you get back!" she exclaims.

"No party, Mom. I want to fly in under the radar. I don't want people acting like I am some long lost prodigal daughter who is finally returning," I reply.

Mom huffs a little as she sits back in her chair. She loves a chance to show me off.

"You never let me make a fuss over you," she pouts.

I roll my eyes again and Dad leans forward to put a soothing hand on Mom's shoulder.

"We'll be delighted to have you back. Just let us know dates and I will try to keep your mother from calling an announcement over the town speaker," he says with a smile.

Mom looks even more annoyed but I say a thank you to my dad in return. I know it will be difficult for him to keep Mom under control until I get there. She is probably off to tell the Cartwrights now. The whole town will know by the end of the evening.

I show them the ring and retell the story of Cato's proposal before we say our goodbyes. I hang up trying not to feel too apprehensive about going back to a town I swore I would never return to.

Cato pads through from the balcony soon after and collapses on the bed next to me.

"Well my parents are suitably pleased with our engagement. How did your parents take the news?" he asks.

"They're delighted. I think I almost gave my Mom a heart attack because she got so excited," I reply.

Cato smiles.

"That's good. I'm glad they are happy for us," he says as he reaches over to pull me close to him.

I smile and nod my head.

"Yeah. I think I am going back to Panem for a bit when we get back. I think it will be nice to be with family," I say averting my eyes to try and hide my lie.

Cato looks a bit surprise but he just shrugs his shoulders before leaning across to place a kiss on my head.

"If that's what you want," he says before he gets up to go to the bathroom.

I nod my head as I watch him get up and leave. I hope he doesn't question me more about my reasons for going. I can't expect him to understand.

Because I need to go back to see one specific person.

I need to see Peeta Mellark.

And I need to ask him for a divorce.


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter 2_

It is amazing that in nine years Panem hasn't changed. The letter P is still missing from the sign above the Post Office. The butcher still has the same discount for pork in its window. Haymitch Abernathy is still propping up the local bar at 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

I crinkle my nose at the long forgotten smell of fertilizer and manure as I step off the ancient and wheezing bus. The driver hops off the bus and pulls out my suitcase from the hold as I wipe off the sweat that has gathered on my forehead. Since the bus was manufactured in the 60's it has no air conditioning and I have spent two very uncomfortable hours in it as it has driven me here from the nearest train station. I am frazzled having spent almost twenty four hours travelling by plane, train and finally bus to reach a town I despise.

I shoot Cato a quick text to tell him I have arrived in Panem safely before stuffing my phone back in my purse and taking my suitcase off the driver. The aging driver gives me a big smile, showing several missing and black teeth, as he hands me the case.

"Good to see you back in Panem, Miss Katniss. Everyone is excited to see you," he says.

I try not to grimace as I smile back at him. Bill has been driving this bus for years and even confiscated the beer that we bought with our fake IDs from the next town over. He may have been old even back then but he is wily and knows exactly what is going on his bus. He was never going to forget my face even nine years later.

His comment reminds me just how difficult it is going to be to fly into Panem under the radar.

Bill pats me on the shoulder before he hauls himself back onto the bus and prepares to drive it back to its resting place for the night. I shake my head at how little things have changed.

The bus has dropped me off on the main street of Panem. It is the only non-residential area of the town and all the shops and conveniences are located here. It is the main hubbub of activity and trade in the town and the majority of the population who are not working the farms can be found here during the daylight hours. Several people clad out in denim and straw hats wander the dusty street as they go about their daily business and catch up with friends.

My eyes sweep down the street until they land on my parents' pharmacy. The white paint is a little more faded and there is now a big cardboard cut-out of a smiling and shiny looking doctor warning us about the dangers of developing type one diabetes but it is still the same pharmacy I spent my summers slaving away in.

It has been in my father's family for generations. When my father retires next year it will be the first time that no one from the Everdeen bloodline will be running the store. I almost feel guilty about the pharmacy passing out of the family. Almost.

Very briefly my eyes flit to the bakery next door and they linger there for only a moment. I barely let myself think about the son that inherited the bakery three years ago before I turn my attention back to the pharmacy. I try to ignore the soft pang in my chest at the memories I have concealed behind those bakery walls.

My phone buzzes within my purse and I scramble about to find it and read the message Cato has sent in reply.

 _Glad you are safe. Wish I was there with you. Xxx_

I groan a little at the message. We had a big fight before I left about him wanting to come with me. It has always irked him slightly that I have never taken him back to my hometown and this latest refusal to have him accompany me has left him a little angry. He thinks I am embarrassed of him which couldn't be further from the truth. If anything it is my hometown I am embarrassed of. When Cato met my parents for the first time I know he was a little taken aback by just how small town they were. I couldn't put him through a whole week of this backward town and its simple people.

That's the reason I told him anyway of why I didn't want him to come. I missed out the fact that I don't want him bumping into Peeta. The two of them do not co-exist well together in my mind.

I haven't seen Peeta since I left Panem almost nine years ago. We had been best friends growing up. With his family's bakery being next to our pharmacy our parents would put us out in the back yards to tumble and play with each other while they worked the store fronts.

We were inseparable as children. Partners in crime and always getting up to mischief together. It seemed natural that when we got to a certain age that we became more than friends.

I shared all my firsts with him. With my intelligence and his charm we were considered the golden couple of our high school. Everyone expected us to get married and settled down once we graduated.

And I loved him. So much. I missed him if I didn't speak to him for a couple of hours. My heart would always pound when I saw him and lying in his arms was my safest and most favourite place to be.

So when he proposed in the fall of our senior year, I withdrew all my out of state college applications and said yes. We were married two weeks after graduation and I accepted a place at the community college two hours away. Everyone thought it was the perfect ending for the childhood sweethearts.

But things went bad quickly. Growing up Peeta had always been willing to follow me on my adventures to explore as much of our town and its surroundings as possible. But as the twenty mile radius around our town became too constricting for me, and I itched to explore even more of the world, Peeta's desire to explore and discover new places diminished. He was happy to live in the Panem bubble while I wanted to see the world.

I grew to resent him for lack of ambition. For no sense of adventure. I blamed him for my decision to attend the local college and not a college out of state that would actually excite and challenge me.

We fought regularly. Always about the small things. Whose turn it was to make dinner. The fact he hadn't fixed the hole in the roof. We argued about these things to avoid arguing about what was really bothering us.

We were only eighteen and too young to handle a grown up relationship. Peeta and the town were suffocating me so when I reapplied for NYU and got in I took off leaving only a note and Madge to explain why I had left. I changed my name back to Everdeen and never looked back.

Divorce papers have been served on a few occasions but they have always been returned either shredded or with some unpleasant things written about me. It seems Peeta was too angry to give me what I wanted.

Cato has no idea about Peeta. No one in New York does and everyone in Panem thinks we got divorced. I desperately need Peeta to sign the papers so I can finally put this godforsaken town behind me and live the life I want with Cato.

The only problem is that I have no idea how Peeta is going to react to seeing me for the first time in nine years.

I sigh as I put my phone away and hope that I can get this all sorted out without Cato or anyone else knowing.

Just as I am about to cross the street a cop car pulls up by the curb. A cheeky young man with red hair and lots of freckles jumps out and smiles when he sees me.

"Well as I live and breathe, it's Katniss Everdeen. Back to cause more trouble I'd be supposing," the young cop says.

I smile and shake my head at him as he hops up onto the curb to join me.

"They letting you run this town now, Darius? If I remember rightly you were the one in high school that was always getting hauled in by old man Cray," I reply.

Darius laughs before he leans in with a cheeky smile on his face.

"That is why I am the perfect candidate for the job. I know all the tricks these teenagers try to pull. I have the highest success rate for tackling delinquent behaviour," he boasts puffing out his chest.

I shake my head at him. Darius was two years above me in high school but was always the leader of the high jinks we got up to at school. I scored my first beer through him and helped him steal one of Abernathy's geese. It is amusing to see him in the smart cop uniform and trying to keep the peace.

"Well, I'm glad that I don't live here anymore and have to rely on you keeping me safe. You always got me into trouble," I tease.

"Careful what you say, Miss Everdeen. I know enough of your mischiefs as a teenager to haul you into the station right now. Haymitch is still griping about that goose," he replies with a playful smile.

I roll my eyes before politely telling him I need to get going and trying to head once again across to my parents' pharmacy. I am not here for a trip down memory lane and the longer I stand out here the more likely it is that I am spotted by someone else who wants a chat.

Darius tips his head at me and tells me he'll see me around before I step off the curb. But just as I do I hear a shrill voice and an excited cry.

"Oh my goodness! Katniss Everdeen! It is so good to have you back!" a female voice exclaims.

I groan as I step back onto the sidewalk and turn to face the woman with blonde curls rushing her way towards me. There are two young dark haired boys running about her ankles and she clasps a blonde toddler in her arms. Her blue eyes shine with delight at the sight of me.

Delly and I were in the same grade in school. She is one of those extremely positive people who talks a hundred miles a minute and loves a gossip. If Delly knows I am back it won't be long before the whole town knows. But she is so god darn nice to everyone that it is impossible not to be friends with her.

Darius gives me a sympathetic smile as Delly reaches me and flings the arm that is not holding the toddler around me in a tight hug. The two young boys, who must be about four and six, follow their mother before they begin chasing each other around using their fingers to have a pretend gun fight.

"Everyone has missed you so much. Our annual class of 2005 reunions are just not the same without our valedictorian!" she exclaims.

I force a smile as I gently push her off me.

"It's nice to see you. Are these your children?" I ask

Delly's smile broadens.

"Yes. That's my boys, Jason and Ethan. And this little one here is Mackenzie," she replies tickling the chin of the girl on her hip.

Back in New York none of my friends will even consider children until they are thirty. Delly is twenty-eight and already has three.

"It means so much to everyone that you've come back. No one can quite believe that someone from Panem can make it big in New York with a fancy job!" she adds.

"It's not that fancy. But it keeps me interested and lets me travel all over the world," I reply.

Delly bobs her head as she shifts the little girl on her hip. Her daughter looks just like her and sucks on her thumb as she looks back at me with curiosity.

"Your daddy tells us all about your travels. It must be so exciting to see all these places. And I hear congratulations is in order! I heard you got engaged in Rome. How romantic," Delly says dreamily.

I let out an awkward laugh and I see Darius roll his eyes at me before one of Delly's sons bangs into his leg and he bends down to tickle him. The little boy's shrieks fill the warm summer air and it isn't long before his older brother has jumped on Darius demanding the same attention. Delly just ignores her sons as I see her straining to catch a glimpse of my left hand. Deciding to give her what she wants I pull out my left hand to show her the ring.

She gasps in awe as she picks up my hand to examine the ring closely.

"Oh my! It's gorgeous. I bet it cost more than my house!" she exclaims.

I smile awkwardly again as Delly begins firing off questions about the ring and Cato's proposal. I answer the questions as best as I can but can't help but notice that Delly's warm welcome has drawn a lot of attention towards us. I can see many whispering and pointing as they gossip about Heath and Lily's daughter finally coming back.

"You just have to come round to mine and Thom's for dinner. I have just perfected the perfect peach cobbler. You just have to try it. It is the only way for me to get my boys to eat fruit," she says.

I can't think of anything worse than going round to Delly's house and being surrounded by talk of the perfect peach cobbler recipe and the best way to get stains out of clothing. Delly got married to Thom when she was twenty. All she knows is how to be a wife and mother. I can't imagine my life being that small.

Before I get a chance to reply the owner of Panem's one and only diner comes up to us.

"Katniss Everdeen! What are they feeding you in New York? You are all skin and bone!" Sae tells me.

I try to smile politely at the wrinkly old woman who must be nearing eighty now as I looking longingly over at the pharmacy. I just want to reach it so I can meet my parents and go back to their house. But stuck talking to both Delly and Sae I know that won't be happening any time soon. I can just see all the questions brimming inside their heads:

"How long are you in town for?"

"When is the wedding?"

"Will we get to meet Cato?"

"Are you coming to the annual summer carnival?"

The questions are endless and I get dizzy from turning between the two women as I try to answer the questions as politely as possible. Every answer I give just seems to spring up ten new questions.

In the end I am saved by my dad exiting the pharmacy and making his way over to me. I smile at him gratefully as he pulls me into a warm hug.

"It is so good to have you home," he says into my hair.

I squeeze him tight and inhale his soft scent of pine. He keeps me tucked into his side as he releases me and turns to Delly and Sae with a warm smile.

"Will you let an old man take a walk with his daughter? It has been too long since I was last able to walk her through these streets," he says.

"Oh, of course," Delly says placing a hand against her chest. "A time with a girl's daddy is very precious. We'll let you go and hope to see you at the barn dance tomorrow night."

Delly then reaches out to give my arm a gentle squeeze.

"I really can't tell you how excited everyone is to have you back," she says.

I give her a forced smile before Sae reaches in to give me a warm hug and a promise of a free milkshake when I come into the diner. She also utters sentiments about how everyone is looking forward to seeing me again. I can't help but think that there is one person in particular who probably won't be overjoyed with my re-appearance.

But I put him to the back of my mind for now. I want to enjoy this small moment with my dad before I have to face Peeta and the rest of the town.

"Good day, ladies," Dad says tipping his hat in their direction. "I'm sure we'll see you around."

Delly waves at us before rounding up her sons, who are still playing with Darius, and finally leaving us in peace.

I link my arm through my dad's as he picks up my suitcase and begins rolling it back to his house.

"Thank you," I say as I give his arm a gentle squeeze and rest my head against his shoulder.

Dad smiles down at me affectionately.

"I'm happy to help in any way I can. It is going to be a rough week for you. You should see what your Momma has prepared for you at the house. She hasn't left the kitchen in a week," he replies.

I sigh. I know Mom will have gone overboard. She may never get the opportunity to have me in her house again. She is going to try her hardest to convince me that coming back here is a good thing.

* * *

Dad isn't wrong about Mom going overboard. When I arrive back the entire kitchen table is filled with different varieties of fried chicken, corn pone, mashed potatoes and three different types of cobbler.

"Mom there is enough food here to feed the entire town," I declare as I put my purse down.

"Oh stop exaggerating, Katniss. I know you have all that fancy food in New York but when was the last time you had a proper home cooked meal," she says as she pulls a plate out for me and immediately begins piling it high with food.

"Everyone is too busy in New York to cook," I sigh as I slump down onto the nearest kitchen chair.

Mom tuts and shakes her head.

"I'm a little ashamed that my daughter doesn't know how to cook her husband a proper meal. A wife has certain duties. Delly Andrews' fried chicken is exceptional," Mom replies.

I roll my eyes. Being a wife now is more than just cooking and cleaning for your husband. I'd rather burn to death than be a tired housewife chained to a stove.

Dad walks up behind Mom and places a gentle hand on the small of her back.

"They do things differently in New York. I'm sure Katniss will be a very good wife to Cato even if she doesn't cook him dinner every night," Dad says trying to placate her.

Mom huffs as she wipes her hands on her apron.

"Well, I just hope it works this time," she says.

I flinch at her indirect reference to my marriage to Peeta. Mom was devastated when I left. Our two families were very close and I know Mom took the failure of our marriage as a personal failure on her part as a mother. There are very few divorces in Panem.

Dad sighs before he turns to pick up my suitcase again. Mom busies herself with arranging the plates on the table.

"Why don't you go upstairs and settle in your room. Then we will all be in a better place to enjoy dinner," Dad says.

I smile at him gratefully and follow him up the stairs. I pass the various pictures of me growing up on the stairs. A picture of me smiling brightly at the camera with a birthday cake in front of me. Another of me sitting on my first horse. Me in my dress for winter formal. I notice, with relief, that the pictures at the top of the staircase have been replaced with recent ones of me and Cato on vacation. Any trace of Peeta has been removed.

Dad takes me into my room and it is like stepping into a time warp. Not a single thing has been changed since I moved out of this bedroom ten years ago. There is still the same forest green bedspread on the bed. My high school textbooks still line the shelves of my bookcase. My science trophies from school still rest on the window sill.

It is like they have kept this room as a shrine for a child they have lost. But I guess they have lost me in a way. One visit a year hardly constitutes as a close relationship with their daughter. I get a pang of guilt as I realise my hatred for this town has not made me a very good daughter.

"It has been ten years since I left this room. I won't mind if you want to change things in here," I say as I turn back to my dad.

He smiles at me sadly.

"This will always be your room. It will always be here for you whenever you come back," he says.

Another pang of guilt hits me. Once I finally have this divorce from Peeta I don't plan on ever coming back here. I realise my refusal to come back here hurts my parents more than I thought.

"I'm sorry I haven't come back sooner," I say growing sombre.

Dad smiles at me again and steps forward to place a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

"I understand why it is difficult for you to come back here. I'm just grateful you are here now," he replies.

I smile back at him and he gives me a reassuring pat on the shoulder before stepping away. Just before he reaches the door he turns around again with a smile in his eye.

"Don't spend too long unpacking. Your Mom isn't going to settle until you have tried every one of her dishes. She says you have lost too much weight," he says with a grin.

I laugh.

"Tell her I'll be down in fifteen minutes and can't wait to tuck in," I reply.

Dad smiles at me again before turning and exiting my bedroom.

I stare at the door for a few moments contemplating how I am going to survive a week here before I haul my suitcase onto my bed and begin unpacking.

As I am hanging some of my clothes in the wardrobe my attention turns to some of the posters covering my wall. In high school I covered the walls with pictures of all the places I wanted to go to and explore. There are posters of beaches in Bora Bora, skiers in the Swiss Alps, a black and white one of the Eiffel Tower. I smile to myself as I realise just how many of these places I have seen.

As I scan the posters my eyes land on some personal photos that are tucked into the side of my mirror. There is a picture of me and Madge laughing as we sit on the rocks in our bathing suits by the lake. I smile at the memory as I remember how we challenged the boys to a diving competition and their despair as Gale slipped and belly flopped on his last dive, handing us the win.

Not all my memories of Panem are bad.

But after I have spent a minute reminiscing about that day my eyes drop to the picture below. My heart clenches as I take in the picture of Peeta and me smiling and so obviously in love. The picture had been taken on the camping trip all the seniors took during spring break. Madge had managed to capture a moment when Peeta was feeding me a toasted marshmallow on a stick. Our heads are leaned in together and our eyes sparkle as we both try to take a bite of the marshmallow.

This photo was taken before I grew to resent him. It is painful to see the way I looked at him then. No one looking at the photo could doubt our love. It is painful to know that in a few short months that feeling was gone.

I stare at the photo for a few moments before I can't bare it any longer and I rip it off the wall. I stuff it in a drawer to try and keep it out of sight and out of mind.

A moment later I hear the doorbell and voices at the door. I groan as I think of more people coming to visit me. I just want a quiet night in. But I know Mom will be up here in a moment demanding that I come and see our guests if I don't go down now. Reluctantly I leave my half unpacked suitcase behind and go to greet whoever it is that has come to see me now.

However as I walk down the stairs I hear a very familiar laugh and my face breaks into a smile as I run down the last few steps.

Standing in my parents' living room is a very tall man with dark hair and his wife smiling brightly beside him. A small blonde haired boy clutches his chubby toddler arms around the man's leg and sucks his thumb as he looks up at the adults surrounding him.

Both Madge and Gale turn round with big smiles on their faces as they hear me come in. I smile wider as I take in the sight of two of my best friends for the first time in nine years.

"Hey," Madge says with a beaming smile. "I know you are probably overrun with visitors but I couldn't wait to see my best friend any longer."

I smile again and take the few steps towards her to I can embrace her in a big hug. Of all the people in Panem, Madge and Gale are the only people I have looked forward to seeing.

Gale is my older cousin and Madge was my closest female friend at school. So many of my best memories from here involve the two of them. They would often join Peeta and me on camping trips and horse rides and they were best man and maid of honour at our wedding.

They also know exactly how bad things between Peeta and I were at the end. They understood why I had to leave. I know they won't bombard me with questions about my arrival back in Panem like the rest of the town.

And I am a little relieved that they don't seem to be holding any grudges about me not attending their wedding six years ago. I had been travelling in Malaysia at the time and it was a convenient excuse for getting out of attending an event where I would have had to face Peeta as the best man while I would have been maid of honour.

"I can honestly say I am glad to see you," I say as I pull away.

Madge grins affectionately at me as Gale reaches out to put an arm around her waist. Their three year old son is still standing clutching his dad's leg and he stands now slightly hidden behind it. He looks up at me shyly with his big grey eyes.

The sight of the child causes a twinge in my heart. He has inherited most of Madge's features but with his blond curly hair and stormy grey eyes I realise, with a shock, this is what my child with Peeta could have looked like.

But I shake that thought away. All that is in the past. I have long neglected friends I need to catch up with.

"You must be Noah," I say as I crouch down in front of the boy and offer him my hand. "I went to school with your Mommy and Daddy."

The boy looks at my hand curiously for a long moment before eventually popping his thumb out his mouth and offering me his slobbery hand to shake. I smile as I gently shake his hand up and down and he looks up at his dad to check it's okay. Gale gives him a reassuring smile and strokes the curls on top of his head silently telling him everything is fine.

"He's a little shy. He doesn't like talking much," Madge replies.

I give Noah one last smile before I stand and straighten up. I give Gale a knowing look.

"Sounds like someone I know," I say to him.

Gale scowls and I chuckle.

"It's a good thing he got all of Madge's good looks. No kid deserves your ugly face," I tease.

Madge laughs too and even Gale's face breaks into a grin.

"I see you are still stirring up trouble, Catnip," he replies.

"Oh God. No one has called me that in nearly ten years. I forgot how annoying it is," I say.

Gale grins to himself smugly. He came up with the nickname when he was nine. He thought it was a hilarious and witty play on my name and has insisted on calling me it ever since.

"That's the thing with childhood friends. We remember all the embarrassing stuff from when we were growing up," he replies.

I smile and shake my head at him and know my parents are grinning broadly at the display in the corner. Madge and Gale used to spend hours at our house. It must be like catching a glimpse back in time as we stand about teasing each other.

"Come on. Mom has made a mountain of food. I'm sure you'll be able to put a big dent in it, Gale," I say as I lead them through to the kitchen table.

Mom and Dad kindly leave us be to allow us time to catch up.

"Just as long as he doesn't eat too much. Now he's hit thirty his metabolism isn't as fast as it used to be," Madge replies gently patting his stomach.

Gale scowls at her before he lifts Noah up so he can sit on his knee while we eat.

"I'm in great shape. I carry the most bales of hay on the farm," her husband protests.

Madge shakes her head at him.

"I'm just saying, I had to let out your pants last month," she replies.

Gale makes a huffing noise but then Noah tugs on his arm and tries to reach the chicken at the far end of the table. Gale immediately lets the subject drop as he reaches for the chicken and begins cutting it for his son.

I watch the three of them silently for a moment. While Gale is cutting up the chicken, Madge feeds Noah some carrots and their hands move above, over and around each other with ease. The family dynamic between them is so natural. It is nice seeing them look so content.

"I need to congratulate you. Mom tells me you are pregnant again," I say as I tuck into my own plate.

And I am happy for them, even if their life is something I don't want for myself right now.

Both Gale and Madge beam as Madge's hand goes to rest over the slight swell in her belly. There is that pang again as I see Madge rub her belly lovingly.

"Thank you. I've just gone fifteen weeks. Gale is convinced it is going to be another boy but I have a feeling this one is a girl," Madge replies.

I smile back at them but my eyes remain on the swell of Madge's stomach. Long forgotten memories resurface as I watch her.

"Well, I'm happy for you," I say. "I sat next to you long enough, doodling Mrs Madge Hawthorne on your notebooks, to know how much you wanted this."

Madge blushes at the reminder of her doodled notebooks. She had a crush on Gale since we were old enough to have crushes. But Gale was a couple years older than us and didn't see her that way for a long time. Ironically it was the mess of mine and Peeta's relationship that brought them closer together and finally encouraged Madge to be honest about her feelings. They are the perfect complement for each other. Madge soft and refined and Gale rough and fiery. I don't think there are two people better suited for each other.

"I didn't doodle that," Madge mumbles.

Both Gale and I know this is a lie and share a grin with each other. Gale leans in to place a kiss on the side of her head.

"Don't worry, honey. I carved your name into a tree, remember?" he says.

Madge softens at his touch and I smile at them again. Madge finishes feeding Noah carrots before turning back to look at me.

"Have you seen Peeta yet?" she asks.

I freeze. I knew this question was coming. I am a little surprised he hasn't come up already. But it still doesn't make hearing it any easier. Not when the thought of seeing him again makes my stomach go into knots.

Gale fires Madge a look that says "What are you doing?" Madge looks a bit guilty but turns back to face me.

"I thought I'd bring him up sooner rather than later. There is no point avoiding it," she says.

I slowly gulp down the bit of chicken I am eating before looking back at her.

"No, not yet," I say dabbing a bit of food off the corner of my mouth. "I thought I would go round and see him later. Eliminate the element of surprise bumping into each other would bring."

Madge nods her head in agreement.

"I think that's wise. I think a meeting away from prying eyes is a good idea," she says.

I nod my head.

"How is he anyway? What's he been up to?" I ask trying to sound casual.

I have not let myself ask this question in nine years. At first it was to protect myself from hearing how much I had hurt him. I was barely holding it together myself and hearing how I left him heartbroken would have tipped me over the edge. Now it is more about trying to dissociate myself from everything to do with this town.

"He's doing well. They bakery is doing really well since he took it over. Lots of new recipes. I swear his cakes are the reason the whole town has put on a few pounds," Madge says with an awkward laugh.

I'm glad he is doing well. Running the bakery is all he ever wanted. I respect him enough to not begrudge him his happiness even if it is a very different version from mine.

I nod my head again and both Madge and Gale watch me carefully. Even after all this time they still know me well enough to know the thought of seeing Peeta makes me anxious.

"I'm a little nervous about seeing him. I mean I didn't exactly leave things well. He has every right to hate me," I admit.

Madge and Gale share a look before both looking at me sympathetically.

"It was a long time ago. You have both moved on and are mature adults now. I really don't think it will be as bad as you think. You may even become friends again," Madge states hopefully.

It is my turn to share a look with Gale. Both of us know that is unlikely to happen.

"I think that is a bit too much to ask, Madge. I broke his heart with a note. Hardly friend of the year material," I reply.

Madge sighs before her attention is turned away by Noah offering her a bit of fried chicken. She smiles at her son as she takes the bit of chicken off him before turning back to me.

"You both made mistakes. You have to stop blaming yourself for leaving. It was the healthiest thing for both of you," she says.

I smile at her gratefully but the knot in my stomach grows tighter at the thought of all the not entirely unfounded horrible things Peeta could say to me.

* * *

After spending and hour with Madge and Gale and sampling every dish that Mom made for me I decide to bite the bullet and go and see Peeta. Nervous butterflies swirl about my stomach at the thought of his reaction at seeing me but I know it will only get worse the longer I put it off. I want that divorce and no matter what harsh things he could say to me will stop me getting it.

I tell my parents I am going for a walk before I make the short journey to the house I used to share with the man I used to love.

It is surreal standing once again at the bottom of the steps of the house I spent a year of my life in. A thousand arguments run through my head with the very intermittent flash of a laugh or a smile. All my ghosts live in this house.

Nothing else may have changed in Panem but this house certainly has.

It seems Peeta has been busy these last nine years. The porch has been sanded down and extended. A wooden porch swing has been added and swings in the gentle evening breeze. There are new tiles on the roof and the timber walls have been repainted a soft yellow colour. Primrose bushes have been planted along the edge of the house and the bright yellow flowers dance together in the breeze.

I stand at the bottom steps for a long moment surveying the house and trying to build up the courage to knock on the door. I ended things badly when I left. The shredded divorce papers highlighted how angry he was with me.

I take a deep breath to compose myself before gaining the courage to move and walk up the couple of steps to the front door. I walk across the porch and hesitate only slightly before knocking on the door and waiting for a reply.

I chew my bottom lip as I wait and wring my hands together to try and rid myself of some of this nervous energy. I wonder if he still looks the same. Will he have grown a bit of stubble like I saw Gale supporting earlier? Will his curls still be as unruly? I rock back on my feet as these thoughts run through my head.

But after two agonisingly long minutes no one come to answer the door. I wonder if he saw me coming and is just refusing to answer. I wouldn't put it past him to be petty and leave me standing like an idiot on the doorstep.

I move to the window and place my hand above my eyes to peer into the small house. It seems to be dark but I can just make out an old leather couch and a six pack of beer on the table. I press my head closer against the glass to see if I can catch any glimpse of him.

"I heard you were back in town," a male voice cuts through the air.

I tense at the sound. The hairs on the back of my neck prickle and my heart momentarily stops. He sounds exactly the same as he did when we were teenagers.

Slowly I turn round and take in the sight of my husband who I haven't seen in nine years.

He has parked the old blue truck that he had in high school in front of the house and has hopped out of it to stand at the bottom of the steps.

He has barely changed in the years since I have left. His blond curls may be a little darker but still sit atop of his head in an effortlessly messy style. His shoulders and arms have broaden as he had filled out his teenaged frame and there is just the hint of a few blond hairs gracing his chin. But he still looks like the boy I feel in love with all those years ago.

We are both stuck staring at each other as we analyse the other's appearance and note all the changes we see. I can tell Peeta can't really believe what he is seeing.

He is the first to move as he locks his truck and walks up the steps to join me by the door. He stops a good foot away from me as he continues to study my appearance.

"What are you doing on my porch?" he asks.

I am a little taken aback by the hard look in his blue eyes. His eyes used to be a huge source of strength for me. I could get lost just looking at them. They always looked at me with love and adoration. Now it is just coldness.

I straighten up as I get ready to face him. I am not going to let him have the upper hand. I came here for a reason and I won't leave until I get it.

"Technically it is still my porch too," I reply holding his stare.

Peeta lets out a bitter laugh as he shakes his head.

"I see you lost your accent. Tell me, is that because you wanted to impress your new fiancé or are you too embarrassed about your home roots?" he asks.

Damn him. He could always read me like a book. I immediately dropped my accent when I moved to New York in a defiant attempt to remove myself from everything back here. I hate that he is calling me out for it.

"I don't need to defend myself to you," I reply.

Peeta smirks and I can feel my temper rising at the sight of it. That smirk always irritated me as teenagers. He knows exactly how to get under my skin.

"I forgot just how little it took for you to get your back up," he says.

My nostrils flare and I clench my fists as I try to keep my temper under control. He's goading me into a fight. Both of us became good at this at the end of our marriage. It was just easier to fight than admit our real problems.

He steps to the side to pick up a can of paint that lies by the door. My eyes follow him as he does so and he begins to speak again as he pulls back up.

"I hear congratulations is in order. Though I didn't take you as a bigamist," he says as he turns back round to face me clutching the can of paint under his arm.

I narrow my eyes at him.

"That's why I'm here. I have the divorce papers. You can have everything. I just want you to sign the damn papers and finally end this," I say as I pull out the papers from my purse.

I present them to Peeta and he does take them as he rearranges the can of paint under his arm so he can flick through them.

"How generous of you. What does your fiancé think of you still being married? It takes a very understanding guy to propose to someone that already has a husband," he says as he flicks through.

I avert my eyes from him and look at the ground. I wring my hands together as I think how I don't want Cato to ever find out.

Peeta sees my guilty look and he tips his head back to laugh.

"Things just get better. He doesn't know," he says as he takes a step towards me. "Maybe I should give him a call to warn him just what a nightmare it is to be married to you."

I don't like the hard edge to his voice. He is definitely no longer the boy I married.

"Just sign the fucking God damned papers!" I say finally snapping and raising my voice.

I am not going to take his taunts any longer.

Peeta raises his eyebrows in surprise at my outburst. He flicks the papers back to the front and tucks them under his arm.

"Does your Momma know you swear like that?" he replies. "What happened to the good little country girl?"

I exhale loudly through my nose and close my eyes to try and compose myself again. This has gone horribly. He clearly still hates me for leaving like I did and I am too easily goaded into a fight with him. I need to calm down so we can both get what we want.

"Look. You don't want me here and I don't want to be here so just sign the papers and we both get what we want and I leave," I say trying to stay calm.

Peeta shakes his head and takes another step towards me. His nose is only inches from mine and I can smell his familiar scent of cinnamon and dill. My heart begins to beat rapidly as he stares deep into my eyes.

"You're a right piece of work, aren't you?" he says. "You don't get to turn up here after nine years and after leaving just a _note_ to demand things from me. Not everything gets to go your way, sweetheart."

My breath is momentarily taken away by the intensity of his stare. I can see all his anger for me in his blue eyes and it seeps into my body, wrapping round my heart and clenching round it in guilt. Because I also see his pain. Pain over the fact I just took off. That I didn't give him a chance to try and change my mind.

But I couldn't stay to face him. I couldn't stay and see the pain in his eyes as I broke his heart. Because even though I had grown to resent him for keeping me in Panem part of me still loved him and I couldn't handle seeing him pain, particularly because I was the cause. I left him a note to save my own heart from even more anguish.

I can't take the intensity of his stare any longer and I flick my eyes away to look at the wooden floorboards of the porch. I don't want to be reminded of my bad choices.

"I'm not leaving until you sign the papers," I mutter.

Peeta shakes his head again and I feel him push the papers back into my chest.

"That's fine, Katniss. You stay standing outside on _our_ porch. I'm off to The Hob. Enjoy you evening," he says.

I look back at him and his jaw clenches before he turns and storms down the steps.

I am left stranded alone at the top of the steps with the unsigned papers fluttering in the breeze.

* * *

 **A/N: Peeta is one very hurt jilted lover right now. He's got a lot of unresolved resentment built up. Things are going to take time.**

 **I feel like I introduced a lot of characters in this chapter so I hope it wasn't too overwhelming. We've still got some more to appear in the next chapter.**

 **Thanks to everyone who has already followed/favourited/reviewed the story so far. It's good to see so many _Sweet Home Alabama_ fans out there. I hope you enjoy my take in that story.**


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter 3_

I storm into my parents' house and stomp up the stairs without even throwing a hello in their direction. I slam the door of my bedroom shut and let out a frustrated groan as I fall onto the bed.

I let Peeta get to me. He knew exactly what buttons to press and I fell into his trap easily. Nine years hasn't changed his ability to infuriate me. I was the one left looking like an idiot standing in front of his doorstep.

I should have had a better plan about asking for a divorce. Of course he was going to get mad at me for just turning up and demanding he signed the papers. If he had done the same thing to me I would have only reacted worse.

I finally saw the pain I have spent the last nine years trying to avoid. I hurt him. Badly. I should have tried to make amends before asking him for the divorce.

I have really screwed this up. His pride will stop him from signing the papers anytime soon.

I let out a weary sigh as I run a hand through my hair. I pull out my phone and call the only person who can make me feel better. The person I am here for now. He picks up after only a few rings.

"I have to say I expected you to have called a lot sooner to moan about being back," Cato says once he has picked up.

I need to hear his voice. To remind me why I am here. To remind me that my life isn't here any longer.

"I literally haven't been given a moment to call you. Apparently my arrival back is the biggest news since the town got Wi-Fi. It's been non-stop with people coming over to see me," I sigh.

"You should take it as a compliment. They are all obviously excited to see you," Cato replies.

Not everyone I think to myself.

I can't get the cold look in Peeta's eyes out of my head. It is so unlike what I am used to seeing in him. I hate to think that I am the cause for that look.

"Well, I wish they were not quite as excited. Nothing has changed in this town. The shops and all the houses are the same. The people are still as nosy as ever. I am fed up already and I have only been here five hours," I moan as I begin twirling the end of my hair in my fingers.

"You were the one that wanted to go back. And you were the one that didn't want me to come with you. If you let me come I could have thought of a few ways to make you feel better," Cato replies with a suggestive tone in his voice.

I roll my eyes as I run my hair through my fingers. Cato often uses sex to distract me from my problems. But it is not going to help me now.

"I couldn't put you through this. It is bad enough for me and I know what this town is like. You are better off in New York," I reply.

And with the way Peeta is acting I know my secret would not be safe from Cato if he was in Panem. I can't have him anywhere near Peeta.

"If you say so," he replies. "It's only a week. After the initial excitement it will all die down."

I sigh. I just hope it dies down quickly. I don't like people nosing about my business and the people in this town are experts at it. With me trying to keep the truth about Peeta under wraps I really could do without their prying questions.

"I just wish I was back in New York. I miss you," I say.

I can imagine the sympathetic smile Cato has on his face as he pauses before he answers.

"You'll get through this. You have jumped out a plane. You can handle being back for a few days," he replies.

A small smile appears on my lips at the last comment. I have done a lot scarier things than facing the people from my hometown. I just need to suck it up and come up with a new plan to get Peeta to sign the papers. Then I can go back home.

"You're right. I just needed to hear your voice," I say.

"I'm glad that I could help. I miss you too. The bed is too cold without you," he says.

I smile a real genuine smile now.

"I 'm stuck sleeping in a time warp. My room hasn't changed since I left high school," I say with a grin.

Cato lets out a laugh down the phone.

"And what naughty things did you get up to in that room?" he asks.

I shake my head as I clutch the phone to my ear.

"Remember, I grew up in a strict Christian household. Anything that happened in my room was completely innocent," I reply.

"I don't believe you. You never like being told what to do," Cato replies.

I smile but we both know I am not going to tell him what happened here.

"Don't get too lonely while I am away. Porn shows up on the cable bill you know," I say.

Cato laughs again.

"I don't know what you are trying to imply, Miss Everdeen," he says.

I grin again. The conversation has done its job to cheer me up.

"I'll call you tomorrow," I say. "I love you."

"I love you too," Cato replies before saying goodbye and hanging up.

I sigh again once I have put my phone down. It is going to be a long week in Panem.

* * *

The next day I do my best to hide out at the pharmacy. I volunteer to check stock and do inventory as my dad serves the customers at the front. My efforts are only partly successful though. It seems Delly has done a good job of spreading my arrival around town and the pharmacy is busier than usual as various people come in inquiring about my visit and recent engagement. I end up spending a large part of the day answering the same questions again and again. It is exhausting.

It is not much better when I get back home and Mom makes a big fuss as she tries to persuade me to go to the barn dance that is being held tonight.

"The whole town is going, Katniss. It will be a great way to see all the people you haven't seen yet," Mom says.

I sigh. I don't tell her that there is no one left that I particularly care to see and after a day full of the same questions I am too tired to pretend to be interested in these people any more. I just want to curl up on the couch and enjoy my own company for a while.

Plus there is a high chance Peeta will be there and I don't think I am ready to face him again.

"I don't like being the centre of attention, Mom," I say as I flop on the couch.

Dad is sitting quietly reading the paper and gives me a sympathetic look. I know the only reason I didn't see more people today is because he kindly told some of my visitors that I was too busy to speak to them.

However Mom fires him a look that says "Control your daughter, please" and I know I am onto a losing battle. She is determined to show me off this evening and if she is trying to bring Dad into it I know she will win in the end.

Dad catches Mom's look and sighs as he puts the paper down.

"We can't force Katniss to go," Dad says and Mom's eyebrows shoot up in indignation. "But I do think it would be good of you to come. At least that way you get it all over with."

Mom's body relaxes as she crosses her arms and gives me a pleased look.

"Fine," I concede. "But I didn't bring anything to wear to a barn dance."

Mom's eyes light up and she pulls me in for a big hug. I put my arms round her and think if my going brings her some happiness then it can't be all bad.

"Oh, don't worry about that! I have something in my wardrobe that is just perfect for you," she exclaims.

I give her a forced smile as she grabs my hand and drags me up the stairs. I just catch the thankful look in my dad's eyes as I am pulled out the room.

I end up wearing a simple blue cotton dress that my Mom had worn when she was my age. It has capped sleeves and buttons down the front with the skirt coming to rest just above my knees. It is much less fancy than anything I own in New York but the sight of me in it pleases my mother.

I even let my mom do my hair up into a fancy braid style that I haven't let her do since Prom. This simple act seems to bring her so much joy and I am reminded again how bad a daughter I have been since I left. Mom may get on my nerves at times but it is all because she is proud of me and my achievements. I touch her hand and give her a genuine smile in thanks once she has finished and I think we share our first real moment in nine years.

Dad is waiting at the bottom of the stairs and holds out his arms to escort us to the dance. He looks so proud to have us both on his arm and I make a vow to try and enjoy myself at this thing. It is the least I could for them.

The dance is located in a large wooden barn on the Cartwright's farm. There are already several cars and trucks parked in the field as we arrive and the lively music of the fiddle and banjo can be heard as we step out my dad's truck. The barn is glowing with the bright yellow light coming from inside and there is a train of people all making their way up for the nights festivities. I take my dad's arm again as we join the queue of people and I take a deep breath to prepare myself for the evening that lies ahead.

Panem may do many things wrong but the one thing they know how to do right is singing and dancing. When we enter the barn there are already several couples in cowboy hats and leather boots twirling and dancing around the wooden floor. The live band made up of local residents sit jovially on bales of hay as they strike up a lively tune and encourage people onto the dance floor. The whole place is filled with animated chatter as friends and families laugh and catch up with each other.

It is a far cry from New York.

Mom immediately spots Mrs Cartwright and waves at her before rushing off to tell her how wonderful the event is looking and my dad sneaks off to join Haymitch Abernathy at the bar. I am left looking out on this loud and merry party and wondering when I stopped fitting in.

I am saved by Darius sidling up beside me and giving me a cheeky smile.

"You still remember how to dance, Katniss? I bet they don't have parties like this in New York," he says with a grin.

I smile and shake my head as I watch Delly being flung around the room by her husband. Her blonde curls almost hit Thom in the face but he seems undeterred as he spins her again with full force.

"It is certainly different over there. Dancing is more of a body shuffle than an actual series of steps," I reply.

"You'll have to save me a dance. Maybe show me some of your New York moves," he says.

I laugh.

"Won't your wife mind? Who did you end up marrying anyway?" I ask.

Darius straightens up and rolls back his shoulders as a big grin appears on his face.

"No wife. I am the town's resident bachelor. Couldn't let Haymitch be the only one," he says without a hint of regret.

"What you really mean is that you have joined him at the bar in the afternoons," I say.

Darius's grins grows wider and we both turn to look at where Haymitch is sitting at the bar. True to form he has a glass of bourbon in his hand and slightly glazed look in his eye. It is well known that he turned to drink after his little brother died in a tractor accident when he was sixteen. He's never married and is the butt of many of the town's jokes.

"He does know where all the best moonshine is kept," Darius replies.

I shake my head at him before I let him ramble on about how he is busting the teenagers who try to sneak alcohol into events like this. At least with Darius I know he won't ask me the same questions as everyone else.

As Darius is speaking to me I see Peeta slip in the barn door. He's wearing ripped jeans and a red flannel shirt that emphasises just how toned his arms have become. He greets a group of guys from high school with a big smile and a clap on the shoulder. I watch him as his eyes crinkle as he jokes with his friends. This image is more like the boy I remember.

I decide to stay away from him tonight. Confronting him in public is never going to go down well. I need to be calm when I next speak to him. I'll wait until tomorrow and try to reach out to him in a way that won't get his defences up.

Several other people come up to congratulate me and ask about New York while I am with Darius and after I have finished fielding Rooba's questions about the likely location of my wedding I turn round and realise that the cheeky cop has sneaked off. I sigh as I scan the crowded barn to find someone else that is bearable to talk to.

Eventually I spot Gale and Madge standing at the edge as they try to coax their son to dance. Noah is shy though and shakes his head furiously as Madge tries to pull him onto the dance floor. I smile as I make my way over to join them. I have to politely reject several offers to dance as I push my way through the crowd and get stuck in a few conversation along the way but eventually I reach them.

I smile at them, relieved, as Madge gives up with Noah and picks him up to balance him on her hip. She smiles at me warmly as she hoists him up and he sticks his thumb in his mouth as he leans his head against her shoulder.

"You made it. Gale didn't think you would come," Madge says as she holds Noah close.

Gale sees my slightly exasperated look and smiles before handing me his beer.

"Here. I think you need this," he says.

I take it gratefully before I take a large gulp and slam the bottle back down on the table. I roughly wipe off some of the foamy liquid from around mouth with the back of my hand before I pick the bottle back up again to inspect which brand it is.

"Do you know I feel a bit guilty for drinking this? The last time I drank here we were underage and sneaking sips out the back," I say before I take another sip.

Both Madge and Gale laugh.

"I still think Cray is going to book me every time he looks in my direction when I have a beer," Gale replies.

I laugh and we all turn to look in the direction of the retired cop who always tried to catch us out on our antics.

"Noah isn't going to get up to all the stuff we did as teenagers. He's going to be my little angel," Madge says as she gently rocks her son and places a kiss on top of his head.

Gale and I share a look that says Noah definitely won't be the angel Madge makes him out to be. I mean he does have Gale as a father after all. But neither of us say anything and Gale wraps his arm around his wife's waist as he places a kiss on top of her head and tells her "Of course not." Madge leans into his touch and I suddenly wish that Cato was here to hold me like that. He could have helped me fend off all these nosy gossips and actually made this night bearable.

However I don't get to contemplate this thought for long as suddenly I am being picked up and lifted off the ground. I let out a little yelp and spill beer all down my dress.

"What the hell?" I yell as I twist round to see who my attacker is.

As I turn round I see cheeky blue eyes with floppy ash blond hair and a chin full with a thick beard. My attacker gives me a cheeky smile and I roll my eyes at him.

"Jesus, Rye. We are not ten years old anymore," I say as he puts me down and I try to wipe off the spilled beer.

Peeta's elder brother grins wider as he stands back, putting his hands in his pockets and looking me up and down. He is two years older than us and spent most of our adolescence teasing and playing pranks on us.

"I couldn't give you just any welcome, little sis. It's been too long since I've seen you," he says.

Gale and Madge look on at us with amused looks. I shake my head at him before reaching out to scratch through his new beard.

"What is this you have got on your face? You look like a hobo," I state as I run my fingers through it.

Rye's grin grows wider as I drop my hand and he scratches his chin. I am amazed at how quickly I fall back into this routine with him. I am an only child so growing up the elder two Mellark boys became my surrogate brothers. We were always running about teasing and making fun of each other. I've lost that family rapport since I have moved to New York. Cato is an only child too and I have never found a relationship like I had with the Mellarks back there.

"You don't think it makes me look more mature? I've got two little girls now. I need to look more serious," he replies.

I raise my eyebrows at him. Rye Mellark is never going to come across as serious.

"So you finally found the balls to ask Violet to marry you? I have to say I thought you would have fucked it up before that happened," I say.

Everyone knew Rye was in love with Violet in high school but he had commitment issues and was always breaking things off with her whenever he thought things were getting too serious. I am glad he was finally able to stop being an idiot and settle down.

"Don't let him fool you, Katniss. It was Violet that ended up proposing to him," another female voice answers.

I look up to be met with the warm smile of Peeta's mother. I smile back at her and she pulls me in for a warm hug.

"It's so nice to have you back," she says as I wrap my arms around her. "I've missed having some decent female conversation with only my boys around."

I give her a weak smile in return. Peeta's mother loved me. It is well known she was disappointed she had three strapping boys. I was the daughter she never had and she was one of the biggest champions of my relationship with her son. I know I hurt the whole family with the way I left.

"Come on, Mom. Katniss is hardly a proper female," Rye says breaking any of the guilt I felt about seeing Carolyn again.

"Definitely not when compared to you. I know you love a scented bubble bath while you listen to Shania Twain," I reply.

"It's Taylor Swift now actually," Rye replies without missing a beat.

We all laugh and I realise I have missed this. The gentle teasing of people who are practically family. It is not something I have back in New York.

However as our laughter dies I become uneasy as I catch sight of Peeta's other brother, Bran, making his way over to us. Unlike his brother and mother his look is a lot less welcoming. He narrows his eyes when he sees me and approaches with a grim look on his face.

"Mom, Dad is looking for you. Something about the pie you made for tonight," Bran says.

He doesn't offer me a hello, only throws a dirty look in my direction. The light heartiness that had been with our little group evaporates and I shift about uncomfortably on my feet.

Carolyn turns to her eldest son with a gentle smile.

"Tell your father that I will find him later. I'm just catching up with Katniss now. I can't wait to hear all about her adventures around the world," she replies before turning to give me a genuine smile.

Bran's frown deepens and he looks at me with a cold stare. I shrink back as he continues to stare at me intensely.

"How can y'all welcome her back with open arms? Have you forgotten what she did to Peeta?" he says.

Things are all getting very uncomfortable. Even Noah senses it and lets out a little whimper that Madge has to hush away by stroking his head.

"Bran, it was a long time ago," Rye says trying to defend me.

Bran snaps his head round to look at his brother with anger.

"No. I hate how everyone is welcoming her back like she is some sort of saint. This is the girl that almost destroyed my baby brother. Or don't you remember having to stand outside his bathroom door to make sure he didn't drown himself," he says angrily.

Bran's words are like a punch to the gut. They seem to knock all the air out of me. I have avoided asking about Peeta for this very reason. I don't want to hear how much pain I caused him.

"You have some nerve coming back here and shoving that big fat ring in front of my brother's face. Have you no sensitivity?" Bran accuses.

"That is not what Katniss is doing," Carolyn says in a calming voice.

Bran whips his head back round to look angrily at his mom.

"Where is your loyalty? We should be supporting Peeta at this moment not welcoming back the bitch that broke his heart," Bran spits.

"Language, Bran!" Carolyn scolds him.

Bran just shakes his head in disappointment.

"I am not going to pretend I am happy to have her back. I will never forgive her for what she did to Peeta," he says before turning round and storming off.

Our whole group is quiet as the dust settles on the confrontation. I can't blame Bran for sticking up for his brother. I am a little surprised at just how easily Rye and Carolyn have welcomed me back after the way I left things. But it still doesn't make his accusations any easier to hear.

Bran goes back to Peeta and I can see him looking over at me as Bran arrives. He has clearly witnessed the argument but I can't read how he feels about it. His expression is blank.

"I'm sorry about that, Katniss. Bran had no right to speak to you like that," Carolyn says.

I snap my head back to look at her.

"Was it really that bad?" I ask almost meekly.

I may have resented Peeta by the end of our marriage but there was part of me that still loved him. He was my best friend and I didn't like to see him hurting. I hate to think just how heartbroken I left him.

Carolyn looks at me sympathetically and places a gentle hand on my arm.

"We know it wasn't easy on you either. And we weren't blind. We knew things were bad between you both," she says.

I give her a weak smile in thanks but feel even worse. I look back at Peeta and see him talking with a group of friends. If I hurt him as much as Bran implied no wonder he won't grant me the divorce. It is his turn to do something to hurt me.

* * *

The rest of the night is excruciating. Peeta keeps away from me, which I am glad for, but many other people don't feel the same necessity.

Quite a few people witnessed the argument with Bran and lots of people come up to me to ask about it. Nearly everyone seems to take my side saying that it was a long time ago and they understand why I left. I am forced to relive the last few months of my doomed relationship with Peeta and as I stand there listening to everyone's sympathies I can't help but think maybe Bran has it right. I don't deserve the support and understanding of these people. Not when I hurt one of their own so badly.

I decide to slip away early and maybe get a phone call to Cato before I go to bed. I feel terrible and I know there is very little I can do to put things right.

As I am leaving the loud merriment of the barn behind, I stumble upon a couple embracing by the entrance. The man has his back to me but holds the dark haired girl's head gently in his hands as he gives her a lingering kiss. I recognise the girl as Leevy, a girl I used to babysit when I was in high school. She has a soft smile on her face as she pulls back and she smiles sweetly at the man as she wishes him goodnight. The man stuffs his hands in his pockets as he watches her walk back to her car. When he turns round I am met by Peeta's bright blue eyes.

His face hardens when he sees me and it takes me a moment to get over the shock of seeing him with another girl. It shouldn't surprise me. Peeta has always been good looking and is one of the kindest people in Panem. He's a catch for any woman in this town. But the sight still bothers me.

Maybe it is the fact Bran made me feel guilty about being here while it turns out Peeta seems to be doing fine without me. Maybe it's the fact he is with Leevy, a girl we both used to babysit. Or maybe it's the four beers I have consumed that has made my brain a bit fuzzy but I can't resist saying something to him as I walk past. Even though I promised myself I would be cordial to him the next time we spoke.

"Jesus, Peeta. We used to babysit her," I say as I walk past. "I didn't see you as a cradle snatcher."

I can feel Peeta's glare harden at me as I do so.

"She's twenty four now. Not that it's any of your business," he replies coolly.

I twist my head back round to look at him and shrug my shoulders indifferently. He narrows his eyes at me before I turn back round to carry on walking.

"You running out early, sweetheart?" Peeta says taking a few steps to follow me. "You were always good at leaving people behind."

I spin back round to scowl at him. The beer is not helping inform my judgement at the moment and I am a little pissed that he still feels the need to goad me into a fight.

"Haymitch has just opened the moonshine. I thought I'd leave before I got stuck cleaning his vomit again," I reply.

And then I see it. The small quirk at the corner of his lips as his mouth tries to hide a smile.

"Probably a wise decision then. I've had to strip that man down more times than I care for," he says as he lets the smile spread across his face.

I release the tension in my shoulders and allow myself to smile back. As teenagers Peeta and I often ended up having to clean Haymitch up after he had a few drinks. I think it was penance for stealing his moonshine. It is nice to share this memory again.

Because this is how it should have been when I got back. I shouldn't have demanded things from him. He shouldn't have tried to goad me into a fight. We should have been able to put our differences aside and tried to remember some of the good things instead of focusing on the bad.

We both stand there silently looking at each other as the party carries on inside. For the first time Peeta eyes don't look at me with coldness. It's a nice moment.

I don't want to say anything to ruin the moment so I tip my head and say goodbye.

"Have a good night, Peeta," I say as I turn back around and resume my journey back to the car.

But as I walk away Peeta's voice cuts through the air and locks me to the spot.

"I know about the baby," he says.

My heart stops and then seems to rise in my throat, making it harder to breathe. I close my eyes and shake my head to try and stop this moment from happening. How does he know? He was never supposed to find out.

Slowly I turn round, dreading what I will face.

It is not anger this time. It's pain. Pain over me lying to him. Pain over a lost child.

My heart constricts with guilt and heartache as I look at him. That look was why I didn't tell him. It was to save him some pain.

"Madge told you?" I ask trying to fight the tears at the memory.

I discovered I was pregnant the month before I left. It wasn't really surprising. We fucked to avoid arguments and were often careless with the use of a condom but it still wasn't planned. Madge and the doctor were the only ones that knew. I made Madge promise not to tell anyone until I figured out what to do.

By that point I had got my acceptance letter to NYU but I knew having the baby would have meant I couldn't go. That I would be stuck in this town forever. I was scared and things with my husband were bad. I didn't know what to do.

But in the end the decision was taken from me. I miscarried at eight weeks. The life ended before it really had begun. I was devastated and guilt ridden. I blamed myself for considering other options as the reason for me losing the baby. I suffered in silence as I felt like I had failed my baby.

It was the final straw that pushed me out of Panem. The baby was the only thing tying me to Panem and I had to get out before all the bad memories swallowed me whole.

I never told Peeta. I wanted to spare him from even more heartache.

Peeta lets out a bitter laugh at my response.

"No. But it is good to know you felt she deserved to know ahead of your husband," Peeta replies.

He sees my confused look before he carries on.

"Dr Fleetwood told me. After you left he ran into me and told me how sad he was that things had fallen apart but that losing a baby was very hard for a couple and many struggle to get through it together. He had no idea that you hadn't told me," Peeta says.

Peeta takes a few steps towards me and I can see the anger begin to surface in his eyes again.

"You should have told me," he says.

"When? In the middle of all our fighting? Honey, you still haven't fixed the roof, oh, but by the way I'm pregnant?" I reply

Peeta's nostrils flare and he bangs his fist against his leg.

"Damn it, Katniss! You should have found a way to tell me!" he yells.

"What was the point? It was gone before it really had a chance. What was the point of us both grieving something that would never be?" I reply.

At first I didn't tell him because I was scared but after I had lost it, it was a way to protect him. Protect him from more pain.

"That was not your decision to make! I had a right to grieve my own child!" Peeta exclaims.

I let a tear drop from the corner of my eye. I failed miserably. He's in even worse pain than if I had told him.

"I am sorry for the way you found out but I am not sorry for trying to protect you," I say.

Peeta takes a step back and shakes his head sadly.

"I didn't need your protection, Katniss. I just needed you to be honest with me," he says.

My heart plummets into my stomach. Bran is right about me. I have treated Peeta horribly. He didn't deserve all I have put him through.

The tears run freely but silently down my cheeks and Peeta gives me one last pain filled look before he turns to walk off into the darkness.

* * *

 **A/N: Oh, Katniss. She's certainly made some bad decisions in her past. I hoped you liked this chapter though the introduction of the rest pf the Mellarks.**

 **Thanks to everyone who has followed/favourited/reviewed this story so far. You support means a lot.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Just a warning that there is a scene at the beginning of this chapter that deal with miscarriage and blood loss and some people may find it disturbing.**

* * *

 _Chapter 4_

I dream of the baby. It lying bloody and limp on the bathroom floor after it has been ripped out of my stomach. Then the pool of blood surrounding the baby begins to shrink taking the baby with it. I scramble at the white tiles desperately trying to keep the baby here. But my efforts are useless and eventually my nails are scratching at nothing but air as the blood and the baby disappear.

I sob uncontrollably on the bathroom floor with a gaping hole in my stomach. The umbilical cord severed and torn. Blood seeps out of stomach onto the floor.

Then Peeta appears with a look full of disgust. He shouts at me about how it is all my fault. That I didn't love the baby enough. That I wished it dead. He tells me he will love the baby while I can't. Each word lashes at my skin and I cover my ears and close my eyes to block it all out. But Peeta's words are too strong. I still hear his angry words as they become imprinted in my brain.

I wake howling and thrashing at four in the morning and in a cold sweat. My heart beats rapidly as I come to and I get confused by the green wallpaper of my old room. As I get my bearings I realise that it was just a dream. I didn't lose the baby again. I am back in my room in Panem.

I push my head back against the pillows and close my eyes trying to block out the images that are still fresh and vivid from my dream.

After I had first lost the baby I often had dreams like this. They were a regular occurrence my first year in New York. I knew my very blonde and very skinny roommate thought I was some sort of freak and would often ask me to sleep in the common area so as not to disturb her. For a while I accepted them as part of my life. Penance for not being able to keep my baby safe.

The guilt would eat me whole in these nightmares. Everything I tried to avoid in waking came rushing back with a vengeance while I slept. Various images of me losing the baby or an angry and hurt Peeta filled my sleep.

But time does eventually heal all wounds. Scars are still left as a permanent reminder of what we have been through but eventually the wound stops throbbing and we carry on again. I haven't had a dream like that since sophomore year of college. But it seems my confrontation with Peeta has reopened an old wound.

After lying in bed for a few moments I get up and traipse down the stairs to get some water. I fill a glass with water and take a long gulp as I slump down at the kitchen table. I run a tired hand through my hair as I think about my conversation with Peeta last night.

I feel horrible. I can't believe he has known about the baby all these years and never said anything. He has suffered in silence as he has tried to get over my betrayal of him. There was a time I had no secrets from him. I wouldn't dream of lying to him. But somewhere along the line that girl got lost. My lies didn't protect him. They only hurt him more.

I realise that I need to apologise. I should have done it as soon as I got into town. I should have apologised years ago.

I let out a weary sigh as I finish the last of my water. The images from my nightmare are still at the back of my mind and I know I won't easily find sleep again. I put the glass away as I trudge back up the stairs and hope that I manage to get a least a couple more hours of sleep with no dreams.

But I don't achieve it. I toss and turn in my bed as I become scared to fall back to sleep and face the demons I know that await me. I give up at just after 6am and get up to try and get my mind to think of other things. I think Dad is a little surprised when he comes down an hour later to find me stuck in the cupboards cleaning. He doesn't say anything about it as he goes through to the kitchen and offers me a cup of coffee. He knows that I won't want to talk about it.

Cato however phones just after 10 o'clock to check up on me.

"I got a little worried when you didn't call last night. I thought you would have wanted to moan about that barn thing you were going to," he says once I have picked up.

I run an agitated hand through my hair as I take the call up to my old bedroom. I couldn't call him after speaking to Peeta. My emotions were too raw and I can't even begin to explain to Cato how I lied to the husband he doesn't even know I have.

"I got home late. I didn't want to bother you," I reply.

Cato can sense the weariness in my voice and I can image him frowning down the phone.

"Is everything okay? You sound terrible," he asks concerned.

"I'm fine. I just slept badly last night. I guess I miss you sleeping beside me," I say trying to smile.

I know Cato is not convinced though. I have never been that good of an actress.

"You have been there for less than forty eight hours and don't sound good. I am a little worried, Katniss," he says.

I shake my head even though I know he can't see me. I'm stuck. I can't tell him what is really going on and yet ordinarily he would be the first person I would call when I had a problem. I don't know if there is anything I can say to placate him.

"It was just a busy night. I met the whole town again. But like you say, it will all die down now. My novelty will be wearing off," I say with a weak laugh.

Cato still doesn't believe me but I don't have the energy to convince him further. I have too many other things on my mind to worry about how he is feeling.

"Look, I am meeting a friend. I need to go or I'll be late. I love you," I say before letting Cato say goodbye and then hanging up.

I let out another weary sigh before putting my phone away and preparing to go and meet Madge on the Main Street. This week is going to be hard enough without Cato calling me every five minutes to check I'm okay.

I had arranged last night to meet up with Madge and Noah to go shopping on Main Street. Shopping may not be the best word for what we are doing, all the stores really only sell the essentials, but it is a good excuse to meet and catch up with her.

We meet outside the grocers as Madge picks up a basket to fill with items for Gale's dinner tonight. The grocer greets us with a cheery hello as we enter and asks how we enjoyed the barn dance before we begin our way round the aisles filled with locally grown fresh fruits and veg. Noah toddles along beside us as he holds Madge's hand tightly and looks up at me curiously. It seems he still doesn't quite know what to make of me.

It is harder to look at Noah today. With his blond hair and grey eyes he easily resembles what my child could have looked like had it had lived. With my nightmares of losing the baby still fresh in my mind it takes all my will power to not crumble and dwell of what could have been.

Madge instantly notices the dark circles under my eyes and smiles at me sympathetically as we walk down the aisles.

"How are you feeling this morning? Bran was pretty tough on you last night," she says.

I let out a small laugh as I shake my head.

"Turns out Bran was only the preview for the main event," I reply.

Madge turns to me with a puzzled look and I sigh and shake my head as I turn my eyes back to the front again.

"I spoke with Peeta last night. He knows about the baby," I say.

Madge's eyes widen in shock.

"Katniss, I swear I didn't tell him…." she says before I cut her off with a shake of the head.

"Dr Fleetwood accidentally let it slip after I left. He's pretty upset with me," I say. I take a pause before speaking again. "Bran is right. I was a bitch to him."

I hang my head low and Madge looks at me sadly. She places a gentle hand on my shoulder forcing me to look up again.

"You need to stop blaming yourself. Yes, you could have handled things better. You could have told him about the baby. You could have waited until he came home to explain to him face to face why you were leaving. But it was still going to be painful either way," she replies.

She's right to say my leaving was always going to hurt Peeta. But I made things worse by making the decisions I did.

"How bad was it? Tell me honestly," I ask.

I've tried running from the pain I caused him but after last night I have been forced to come face to face with it. I can't avoid it any longer. I need to know the extent of the pain I caused.

Madge looks at me uncertainly. She is reluctant to tell me. I tense in anticipation for what I am about to find out.

"I know Bran implied it but it never got so bad that we thought he would hurt himself. But he wouldn't eat meals unless someone sat with him. He trashed the house. Didn't go out for a long time," she replies.

My heart clenches at her words and I have to turn away from her sad look. It's not like I found it any easier. I cried myself to sleep for the first month as I missed his smell of cinnamon and his arms around me at night. I made very few friends those first six months in New York as I spent more time studying to distract myself than anything else. I may have made the decision to leave but that didn't mean there weren't times I wished he had come with me.

"No wonder he hates me," I mumble as we carry on walking round the store.

Noah points to a shiny red apple and Madge smiles at him as she reaches forward to pick it up for him. The little blond boy smiles excitedly as he grasps the apple in his hands and takes a bite.

"Peeta could never hate you. You two have too much history for that. And remember, I was there when you left. I know how hard it was for you to leave him," she says.

I sigh as I nod my head. My last few days in Panem are a bit of a blur. I lost the baby. I accepted my place at NYU. I packed up my life in Panem all in the midst of tears and heartbreak. Because even though I hated him for keeping me in Panem I still loved him. If I thought for one moment he would leave this town I would have taken him with me. But that was never an option.

"You needed to get out. This town would have suffocated you. I see the way you look at Gale, Noah and I and I can see you judge us slightly for having this life. A simple life where we stay put and get married and have two kids by the time we are thirty. You couldn't have stayed," she adds.

"I don't judge you for your choices," I say.

I am mortified that she thinks such a thing. She is still my friend.

Madge smiles knowingly as she rubs her slightly protruding stomach.

"Yes, you do. Just like you judge Delly and everyone else we went to school with who is married with kids now. But it's okay. You live a life in New York that sounds exciting and fast paced. And that is great for you. While I may have been doodling Gale's name on my workbook, you were doodling maps of the all the places you wanted to see," Madge says with a smile.

I smile back at her as she stops to pick up some carrots to put in her basket.

"We want different things from life. Sadly for you Peeta didn't want the same things," she says.

I smile at her in thanks as me move round the rest of the store, picking up the remaining items she needs. Before I came back here I had not questioned my decision to leave in the first place but facing both Peeta and Bran has made me forget my reasons for doing so. I needed a gentle reminder that I left for the right reasons.

"Get everything you wanted, ladies?" the greying grocers asks as Madge places her basket down on the counter.

"Yes, thank you, Bristel. Though Noah picked up an apple on the way round," Madge says as she holds up the half eaten apple core.

Bristel smiles as he takes the apple core and disposes it in the trash. He says it is on the house and he and Madge begin a light hearted discussion about the annual town carnival that arrives next weekend.

As we wait at the counter the shop door opens and the little bell rings. In walks Leevy and she and Madge share a smile and a hello before Leevy moves to the back of the store. Her eyes briefly flit in my direction but look away quickly before moving on.

Noah desperately wants to help his Mom pack up the groceries so Madge lifts him up onto the counter and Bristel smiles at him as he hands him the items to be packed in the brown bags.

I watch Leevy as she browses the fruit and veg selection and remember how I saw her with Peeta last night. I turn to Madge with a questioning look.

"I saw Peeta with Leevy last night. Are they a thing now?" I ask.

I don't really know why I am asking. It is none of my business. But the sight of her here is doing funny things to my stomach.

Madge looks back over at Leevy as she hands Noah a tin of sweetcorn to pack. She turns back to me with a knowing smile on her face.

"They've been seeing each other causally for the last couple of years. They bring each other comfort. Everyone knows that Leevy is really in love with Rory but he married Primrose Donner two springs back," Madge replies.

I frown as I look back at her and don't like the thought of her using Peeta to get over Gale's younger brother. Madge sees my look and a small smile spreads across her face as she and Noah finish packing and she hands over money to pay.

"They both use each other to distract themselves from the people they can't have," she replies.

My frown deepens as I spin back to look at her. Madge just smiles and shakes her head before getting Noah to jump down from the counter and picking up her bags.

"Come on. We've still got the butcher and the sweetshop to go to before we can have lunch," she says.

As if on cue, my stomach rumbles and Madge just laughs as we say goodbye to Bristel and I try not to think about what her words imply.

* * *

Lunch with Madge and Noah is nice and he seems to be finally opening up to me. I even got a couple of words out of him. Madge and I laugh as we reminisce about what we got up to in high school and Madge asks lots of questions about my travels around the world.

As I talk to her I realise just how much I don't want her life. Now all her stories and schedules revolve around Noah. I want kids in the not so distant future but I can't imagine not seeing the things I've seen before I do it. I'm glad I have experienced life before I have settled down.

But the smile never leaves Madge's face as she recounts tales of taking Noah horse riding for the first time and the time he got stuck in the washing machine.

She's happy. I can't begrudge her her life just because it is not what I want.

We separate with a warm hug as she and Noah go off to spend the afternoon with Gale and I am left to my own devices.

I don't quite know what to do in Panem on my own. Mom has some meeting for the carnival next weekend and Dad went off with my uncle this morning to fish. There is no one else I really care for seeing. I decide to take a walk in the countryside hoping the fresh air will help me clear my head of all thoughts of Peeta, a lost child and a worried Cato.

As I stroll along the familiar well-worn paths, I find my feet taking me towards the Donner's stables. I stop at the fence with a smile as I watch the various horses grazing in the fields. A beautiful Kentucky Mountain horse with a silky dark coat and blond mane sees me and walks over. I smile at it as it ducks its head and I stroke its neck.

Everyone in Panem knows how to ride a horse. It is still sometimes the quickest way to get around. Dad had taken me out to learn to ride when I was five years old. I used to love the exhilaration of leaning forward and riding the horse at a canter as we jumped over fences and bales of hay. I loved the possibility of riding off anywhere and never coming back. Riding a horse was the closest thing I felt to freedom when I lived in this town.

I continue stroking the horse's mane and ears as it nibbles in my hands searching for food. But my hands are empty. There was a time when I would always have a supply of sugar cubes in my pocket but I haven't ridden a horse in years. The thought doesn't cross my mind anymore.

I begin talking to the horse about how handsome I think he is and it huffs and blows out its nostrils as it shakes its head at me. I smile as I continue to babble on and I hear footsteps coming from the stables.

I turn towards the sound and see the owner of the stables, Joel Donner, walking towards me in faded denim trousers with matching denim jacket. A black cowboy hat rests on his head and he tips it at me in greeting as he approaches. His once blond beard has now grown completely white and I can just make out his cornflower blue eyes which still sparkle with mischief underneath his hat.

"Howdy. I wondered how long it be before you came back here. You were always stealing my horses to ride bareback when you were a teenager," Joel states with a smile.

I turn to face him as I continue to stroke the horse's nose.

"I haven't ridden in years. I fear I have forgotten how to," I reply.

Joel shakes his head.

"No such thing. It's like riding a bike. A natural like you will never forget," he says.

I smile at the compliment before turning back to look at the horse. The truth is I haven't ridden since I left. There are not many opportunities in New York and I have been too distracted by all the other things I wanted to see and do to make an effort to find somewhere to do it.

But standing with this horse again makes the urge to ride again strong. I always felt peace on a horse. Maybe all I need to do is leave the town behind for a little while and clear my head.

"This is a beautiful horse. What's his name?" I ask as Joel watches me pet the horse.

"Sampson. He's a really even tempered horse," Joel replies.

"Not like me then," I reply with a smile.

Joel laughs.

"How about you take him out on a ride. I can see you're itching to get back on the saddle," he says.

I smile at him again as Sampson snorts and shakes his head. Suddenly riding is all I want to do.

"Sounds perfect," I say with a smile.

Joel grins back at me broadly before he clicks his tongue to get Sampson to follow him to get saddled up. I jump over the fence as my heart picks up in excitement at the thought of riding again.

Joel helps me saddle Sampson up and I place my foot in the stirrup as I push myself up and swing my leg over. Immediately I sink and relax into the saddle. I pick up the reigns and savour the feel of them in my hands again. Sampson lets out an exhale of air but seems unaffected by me being on his back. I lean forward to gently rub his neck and let him know I'm here.

"Good boy, Sampson. You ready for a workout?" I ask him.

Sampson just snorts in reply and I take that as a good sign. I pull back to straighten up and wrap the reigns around my hands. I gentle squeeze my calves to get Sampson moving and he walks out of the stable. Joel points in the direction of a trail and I smile at him in thanks as we head out into the open field and I squeeze a bit tighter to get the horse to go into a canter. Soon we are galloping off, away from the stables and away from Panem.

It amazes just quickly I relax into it, letting my body rock with the horse's motions and enjoying the wind blowing through my hair. I quickly recognise the fields I am riding in and take off towards the woods I spent so much of my childhood in.

On top of Sampson I forget all about Peeta and the baby and the fact I still don't have a divorce. Everything empties out of my head as I just focus on the horse beneath me and the feeling of flying I get when I am on him.

We slow to a walk when we enter the woods that were my playground as a child. Here I could forget I was in a small town. The woods became my magical kingdom or haunted forest or medieval campsite. A place a lot more exciting than the town I lived in.

But it is bittersweet being back here. I always came here with Peeta. Even when we were older and came out here to camp and sneak drinks of Haymitch's moonshine. I don't think I have a memory of here without him in it.

Not wanting to dwell on Peeta too long I turn Sampson back around and take the long route back to the stables.

As we are leaving the forest I catch a glimpse of another rider up ahead. Even from this distance I recognise the stance of the man riding the pure white American horse. I have watched him ride enough times to know it is Peeta's blond curls that catch the sunlight as he rides past.

He doesn't see me and I make no move to ride after him. Most likely he would take it as an ambush and I really don't want to cause him any more pain than I already have. I watch him ride away from me hoping he still finds the peace riding brought him when we were younger.

It makes me smile to know he still rides. So many of our adventures started with horses. It was the only way to escape the town. It was a passion we both shared.

Cato and I have been sky diving, white water rafting and rock climbing together but we have never ridden horses together. It is never something he has shown an interest in before. But as I watch Peeta I realise that I want Cato to experience this too. I want to be able to go riding with him and not know where we will end up. I have denied myself the pleasure of horse riding for too long. Today has just reminded me how much I miss it. I make a vow to teach Cato when I get back to New York.

I walk Sampson back leisurely to the stables savouring the feel of riding again. Joel gives me a knowing smile when he sees my content smile as I come back.

"I told you you wouldn't have forgotten," he says with a grin.

My grin grows wider as I swing my leg over and jump off the horse.

"I'll definitely be back. It was just what I needed," I say.

Joel grins as he takes the reigns and leads Sampson back to the stable.

"You are welcome anytime, Katniss. I think Sampson has taken a liking to you," he replies.

I smile again and Joel hands me a sugar cube that I can feed to Sampson. He nuzzles his nose greedily into my hand as he gobbles the little cube up. I smile as I stroke his mane and already begin plotting where I will take him when I come back.

* * *

I am in a much better mood when I get back to my parent's house and Mom looks a bit surprised when I offer to help her with dinner. I let myself relax for the first time in this house since I got back. Riding today has reminded me that not everything in Panem is bad.

As I am helping Mom cut the vegetables for the stew, there is a knock on the door that interrupts the laughter we are sharing over the story of dad fishing by the lake today. I groan as I think who it might be now coming to visit me. Dad gets up, putting down his fishing rod that he was fixing to answer it.

I frown when I don't hear the distinctive southern drawl of one of the residents of this town. I put the knife down as I turn to look at who has just entered my parents' house.

He looks all wrong standing in my parents' tiny threadbare living room in a crisp blue shirt and kakis with a big smile on his face and a suitcase in his hand.

"Surprise!" Cato exclaims opening his arms.

I stand frozen in shock in front of him.

My fiancé is in Panem.

* * *

 **A/N: Things just keep getting more complicated for Katniss. She's keeping so many secrets that it is only time before they all start coming out. You'll have to wait until next week to see how she reacts to Cato being in Panem.**

 **Thanks again to everyone who has shown support for this story. I'm glad so many people are enjoying it.**


	5. Chapter 5

_Chapter 5_

"Cato, what are you doing here?" I ask.

It doesn't feel right. Panem and Cato are two completely different parts of my life. They were never meant to combine. My whole body tenses as I grow nervous about having him here.

"You didn't sound right on the phone. I was worried about you. Plus it is about time I visited your hometown," he replies.

I shake my head at him as I try to wrap my head around the fact he is here. In Panem. With Peeta.

"You didn't need to come. I can handle this on my own," I say.

Cato huffs and folds his arms across his chest. Mom and Dad look between each other but don't say anything. They can sense my tension and are scared to intervene in case they make matters worse.

"I know I didn't need to come but I wanted to see the place my _fiancée_ grew up," he replies a little annoyed.

Guilt washes over me as he puts emphasis on the word fiancée _._ I can see that he is hurt about me shutting him out over this. He cares about me. Just wants to understand where I came from.

I haven't been a very good fiancée these last few days. I have refused him entry into my hometown, barely spoken to him and spent way too much time thinking about a rather frustrating and hurt ex. This town has a way of screwing with my head. Makes me forget my priorities. I should be focusing more on my fiancé and not ghosts from my past.

I relax my shoulders, soften my expression and give Cato a small smile as I take a step towards him.

"I'm sorry. I guess I am just shocked to see you here. I didn't expect you to turn up," I say as I walk towards him.

Cato's gaze softens and he drops his arms to his side as I stand in front of him.

"I just want to see what you are like here. It feels like there is this huge part of you that I don't know about," he says.

He has no idea just how much there is he doesn't know about me. Parts I never want him to find out. Things I can't expect him to understand.

"I'm not the same girl I was when I left here," I reply.

Cato shrugs his shoulders and reaches forward to tug me towards him.

"Maybe not. But I want to know where you came from," he replies tugging me closer. "Will you let me stay?"

His eyes look down at me with hope. It is clearly important to him that he sees Panem. And I think about how it would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. I would be hurt if I felt he was trying to hide something from me.

I give him a sweet smile as I wrap my arms around his waist.

"You can stay," I say. "But just to warn you, Mom will make sure we sleep in different beds."

Cato's grin widens as he realises that I am letting him stay. He dips down to gently rub his nose against mine.

"I'm sure I can work around that," he whispers with a cheeky smile.

His eyes sparkle with mischief and I lightly push him on the shoulder as I am aware my parents are still listening. Cato just grins wider and then closes the remaining distance to place a soft kiss on my lips. He has a huge smile on his face as he pulls back and tucks me into his side. He turns now to face my parents with a triumphant look in his eyes.

Mom, who was clearly trying to contain herself as she watched our conversation, suddenly lets it all out and squeals as she claps her hands together.

"It is so good to have y'all in Panem, Cato!" Mom exclaims. "I can finally show you some good honest southern food!"

Cato smiles politely back at her.

"I can't wait to try it," he replies.

Mom lets out an excited squeal before she rushes over to Cato and begins telling him about the best way to fry chicken.

Dad watches me carefully. He clearly sensed my anxiety over Cato's arrival and isn't quite sure what to make of it. I know he will watch me closely for the remainder of Cato's stay to try and figure out what has got me so anxious. I will have to be careful. Dad has always been able to read me so well.

I really try that evening to forget about Peeta and the divorce and try to concentrate on Cato. But it is hard as I keep thinking about what will happen if the two of them run into each other while Cato is in town. The town isn't very big and I think it unlikely that they will not see each other while Cato is here. All the different scenarios of what Peeta might say or do in front of Cato run through my mind, each one getting worse as I go on. I don't want them to meet.

It would have been awkward enough between them as it is but with a very hurt and angry Peeta on the loose I can't really predict what exactly will happen. I can only hope that Peeta has the good sense to stay away.

Mom smothers Cato at dinner time, making him way too much food, bombarding him with all the people he just has to meet while he is here and filling him in on all the town gossip. Cato takes it all in his stride but I can tell he is exhausted by the end of the evening.

Cato lets out a tired sigh as we say goodnight to each other in the hallway. Even though Mom knows we live together she still deems it improper for an unmarried couple to share a bed. I know she likes to think I saved myself for marriage but I lost count of the amount of times I had to hide Peeta in my closet because she had come home early. I swear the main reason people get married so young in Panem is to stop having to hide their sexual liaisons from their parents.

Cato wraps his arms around me as he leans his forehead against mine.

"I am surprised that your Mom can still breathe. I don't think she stopped for a breath once this evening," he says wearily.

I smile up at him as I gently caress the side of his face.

"This evening is nothing. Tomorrow she is going to want to introduce you to the whole town. And Mom isn't the worst of them. Be prepared for a barrel load of questions," I say.

Cato gives me a tired smile before shaking his head.

"Surely it can't be much worse," he replies,

I give him another smile before reaching up to kiss him goodnight. He has no idea what is about to hit him.

* * *

As I predicted, the rest of the town only reacts more enthusiastically over Cato's arrival than Mom. It is so rare to have a new person come through this town that they all fight for his attention.

We manage to avoid most of the town in the morning as they all attend the Sunday morning church service. Mom was disappointed that we didn't come with her and Dad but Cato has never been religious and I stopped going once I left town. I don't think I could put Cato through dull sermons and the whole town all at once.

We did have to agree to meet Mom and Dad in the diner after though. She seems to have encouraged all the town to come and have lunch in the diner too and Cato's eyes widen when he sees the amount of people coming up to us.

"You forgot to tell us how handsome he is, Katniss. You better watch out or I might just steal him off y'all," Sae says to us with a wink.

I let out a forced laugh as I examine the menu and point out to Cato what is safe to eat here. As we choose our lunch Darius come up to us and eyes Cato up and down.

"You know I keep a close eye on outsiders here. And Katniss has a special place in my heart. I won't have y'all hurting her," Darius says.

"I wouldn't dream of it," Cato says as he puts an arm around my shoulder.

Darius stares at us for a moment before giving Cato a satisfied nod and going off to order a pot of coffee. He is barely out of sight before the next well-wisher makes her way over to our table.

"You must be the lovely Cato. I am Mary-Anne Undersee. My daughter, Madge, was best friends with Katniss all throughout school. I have heard all about you!" Mrs Undersee exclaims.

Cato turns to me with a slightly scared look. He never imagined it to be like this. Madge's mom is already rattling off a bunch of questions about New York and our recent trip to Italy. I give Cato an apologetic smile before he turns back round to engage Mrs Undersee in conversation.

After that it is just a revolving door of nosy townspeople desperate to get their congratulations heard.

It is so unusual for anyone new to be in this town that Cato is like a shiny new toy. He gets asked an array of questions, everything from his job in New York to his favourite flavour of ice cream. I do the best that I can to deflect the questions but there is no stopping this town once they get started.

Mom beams with pride at being the center of attention and laps up all the nauseatingly nice comments about Cato. On more than one occasion she declares rather loudly how our wedding is most likely to be abroad and that Cato's dad has insisted that no expense will be spared. All the other middle aged women look at her with a mixture of awe and jealously. She will be living off this piece of gossip for months. Maybe for the rest of her life.

I can see the weariness setting in in Cato's eyes as Sae tries to feed him another slice of peach cobbler.

"Honestly, I can't eat another bite," Cato says shaking his head and rubbing his full stomach.

Force feeding guests seems to be some sort of tradition in the south.

Sae goes to protest, shoving the plate further in front of Cato but I stop her with a look.

"Actually, Sae, I think it is about time we got moving. I promised Cato I would give him a tour of the town," I say already pulling my purse out to pay.

I don't really want to give Cato a tour. There really isn't much to see but he insisted so I have relented and it gives us a good excuse to leave this diner.

Cato throws me a grateful look and I give him a smile in return. Sae is a bit startled at first, clearly she has a range of other dishes she wants Cato to try, but soon composes herself.

"Well of course you should take him on a tour. Make sure y'all take him to the Cartwrights' farm. It really has the best views at this time of year," she says.

I smile sweetly back at her.

"I will be sure to take him there," I say as I stand up.

Cato stands up to as he lays down a generous tip.

"I'm looking forward to seeing all that Panem has to offer," Cato says with a smile.

I have to try and hide my snort at the ridiculousness of his comment. Aside from fields and tractors there is not much else to see. But his comment pleases Sae and she smiles at him warmly.

"Be sure to come back. I still do the best fried chicken in the whole of Alabama," she says.

"I don't doubt it," Cato replies as he takes my hand.

We say a small farewell to my parents before we finally manage to leave the crowded diner. I know everyone will still be talking about us after we have left.

Cato lets out a weary sigh as we begin walking leisurely down the street. A few people throw us some polite hellos as we walk past but thankfully no one else stops us for a chat.

"I don't think I have been put under such intense scrutiny since I was interviewed for my place on the board," Cato says.

I smile at him apologetically.

"Now do you see why I didn't want to bring you here?" I reply.

Cato turns to me with a tired smile and squeezes my hand.

"I guess I am used to all the evil glares you get in New York if you so much as look in someone's direction," he says.

I laugh a little before we carry on walking in companionable silence.

"You know I really should take you on the tour now. Mom will be expecting all your thoughts about the town when we get back," I say.

Cato laughs.

"Lead the way!" he says gesturing his hand forward. "Show me all of Panem's hidden gems!"

I roll my eyes at the slightly over the top enthusiasm for the tour before I tug on his hand and pull him down the street.

I point out a few shops of note as we walk by but the only place he really wants to see is my parents' pharmacy. When my Mom was not bombarding Cato with questions about the wedding, Cato did manage to slip in a few of his own about the pharmacy and my dad's role there.

I tense slightly though as we approach the green plus sign. This may be the only place I want to show Cato but it is next to the one place I desperately want him to avoid. The bakery.

I know it will be closed on a Sunday but I really don't want to run into any of the Mellarks and you are never quite sure if one of them will have popped in to sort something out.

Thankfully none of them came to the diner after church so I have been saved from any awkward questions so far. I just hope it stays that way for the remainder of Cato's stay here.

We come to a stop outside my family's pharmacy and look through the windows. All the lights are off so you can't really see anything but Cato takes it all in carefully.

"So here it is. This is where I spent my summers slaving away as my dad used me for cheap labour," I say gesturing to the slightly run down building.

Cato turns to look at me with a smile.

"So this is where you developed your interest for science and medicine," he says.

I nod my head. Making up the prescriptions and handling the new medicine was what got me interested in chemistry and biology. As I grew up I became interested in the processes required to develop and create new medicines. Most of my research since I left grad school has been looking at the different medicinal uses of plants and herbs.

"It was about the only good thing I learned from here," I say.

I take a brief pause as I look at the peeling paint of the façade. This pharmacy was a huge part of my childhood and helped shape me into the person I am today.

"It almost makes me sad that I won't be taking it over once Dad retires," I add.

Cato gives me a small smile. He knows all too well the pressures of taking over a family's business. His dad has been grooming him to take over his publishing empire since he was five years old.

"We can't live our lives by our parents' expectations," he says.

I raise my eyebrows at him and he laughs. Cato was never going to do anything other than walk in his father's footsteps.

"I guess I am a bad example. But you have to do what makes you happy," he says,

I smile gratefully at him but as Cato turns he gets distracted by the display in the next window.

"Holy Shit! These cakes are impressive!" he declares.

I grimace as I force myself to look in the Mellarks' bakery window. I don't want to linger here.

The cakes in the window are indeed impressive. The bakery has always been about the only thing in Panem that doesn't scream small town. Peeta has always had a creative flair and delicate hands. The dainty frosted flowers and intricate swirls look out of place in this small town. It is clear that Peeta is talented when it comes to cake decorating and it always frustrated me that he never had a desire to take his talents elsewhere.

I try to move away from the window quickly but Cato seems fascinated with the cakes, probably because they are the only thing in Panem resembling anything that might be foundin New York, and stays staring into the window. As he begins salivating over the scrumptious looking cakes the door to the bakery suddenly opens. Cato steps back and knocks into the figure exiting the bakery as he bends down to take a closer look at the cakes.

Cato sticks his hands out to steady himself before straightening up and turning towards the figure with an apologetic smile.

"Sorry, man. Too busy admiring the cakes in the window," he says.

I freeze when I catch Peeta's slightly confused look as he stares at Cato. All the lights were off in the bakery. Nobody was supposed to be inside.

Peeta continues to look bewildered as he continues to stare at Cato. He is surprised to run into someone in the town that he doesn't recognise **.** But then his gaze flickers over to me and the realisation dawns on him. There is a flicker of something, maybe pain, that flashes across his face as he turns to me but it is so fleeting I don't get time to analyse it.

My heart begins to beat loudly in my chest. I seem to have lost all ability to speak. I don't know what to do. Peeta and I end up stuck in a silent staring contest as we both struggle to find any words to say. Peeta must know that Cato is in town but I guess he wasn't expecting to quite literally bump into him. I can only guess what is going through his head and can't predict what he might say.

After what seems like an eternity but is merely a few seconds, Peeta finally flicks his gaze away from me and turns to Cato with a smile.

"Thank you. I try out quite a few designs before I put any out on display," Peeta says.

Cato's eyes widen in amazement and admiration.

"You make these cakes? Seriously they're good. They wouldn't look out of place back home in New York," Cato replies sincerely.

Peeta smiles at him in gratitude.

"Y'all from New York then? That must make you Katniss's fiancé," Peeta says.

Cato smiles before putting out his hand for Peeta to shake.

"That's right. Cato. And your name is? I should learn it in case I end up eating your cakes in New York!" my fiancé says.

"Peeta Mellark. I was at school with Katniss," he replies accepting Cato's hand.

I am stuck staring at their joined hands. It is strange seeing the two of them together. My past and my future.

Cato is taller than Peeta but Peeta has always been broad and matches Cato for strength. Both have blue eyes but while Cato's are more ice cold Peeta's are warm sapphires. Peeta's blond hair is a messy mop while Cato's is neatly styled. Peeta is in his church clothes, a rather grey looking shirt and tie and his threadbare clothes are emphasised by the crispness of Cato's own attire. I guess their differences show how far I have come since I left this small town.

I am wary though of Peeta's actions. Of all the scenarios I played through in my head not one of them involved Peeta being nice. His smile is too genuine and he doesn't look like the wounded man I left at the barn dance on Friday night. I hold my breath just waiting for him to expose my secret.

Cato has come to stand beside me again and looks at Peeta with a big smile.

"Ah, so you must know all of Katniss's antics while she was in high school. She tells me she was a good girl but I don't believe that for a second," Cato says.

An amused smile appears on Peeta's face and he raises his eyebrows at me.

"Katniss was always the one dragging me into trouble. I still have the scars to prove it," Peeta replies.

He then sticks out his arm to show a long jagged scar that runs up his forearm. He received it after I convinced him to go bare back horse riding with me. He didn't hold on tight enough though and cut his arm open as he fell off and landed on a thorn bush. He made me wait on him hand and foot for a week after because I felt so guilty about getting him hurt.

I scowl at Peeta and cross my arms across my chest.

"I can't believe you are still milking that story, Mellark," I reply.

Peeta laughs. A real genuine laugh. It seems not all our memories of each other are bad. I relax the tension I have been holding in my shoulders and become hopeful that maybe he will not expose me today.

Cato turns to me with surprised eyes.

"I didn't know that you could ride horses," he says.

I shrug my shoulders indifferently.

"I haven't ridden since I came to New York. Though I was actually just thinking yesterday that I should take you out and teach you," I reply.

Cato smiles at me affectionately as he learns this new piece of information about me. He puts his arm around my shoulder and places a kiss on the side of my head.

"See. Still all these things I don't know about you," he says.

I smile a little stiffly as I am acutely aware of Peeta's eyes on us. I may not be in love with him anymore but I don't want to flaunt my new relationship in front of him. He deserves some respect.

Peeta averts his eyes to look at the ground and when he looks back up he has a sad smile on his face.

"Well it was nice meeting y'all but I am already running late for lunch with my family. If I want to avoid another lecture from my mom about spending too many hours at the bakery I better get going," Peeta says.

Cato nods his head in understanding.

"Nice meeting you too. Maybe we'll see you around. I gather this is a rather small town," Cato replies.

Peeta lets out a slightly awkward laugh before tipping his head in our direction and saying goodbye. I let out a sigh of relief as we watch him walk away, thankful that he didn't say anything else.

Cato turns to me with a smile on his face.

"I knew not everyone in this town could be so nosy. He seemed like a good guy," he says.

I can't quite get over how surreal that was **.** Peeta and Cato actually got along. Cato actually praising Peeta's work. It feels like an alternate reality.

I turn back to face Cato with a smile.

"Yeah. He's not too bad," I reply.

Cato smiles at me again and we make a move to carry on walking. However as we do, I catch sight of a very familiar set of bouncing blond curls. I internally groan.

"Brace yourself. Here comes the whirlwind that is Delly Andrews," I say as Delly rushes over from across the street.

Her two sons are being rounded up by her husband, Thom, on the opposite side of the street and Delly crosses the road carrying her two year old daughter in her arms. Her eyes are bright with excitement and her smile spreads right across her face at the sight of us.

"Oh, Katniss I am so glad that I caught you and your fiancé!" she exclaims a little breathlessly.

I give her a forced smile and lean in closer to Cato in an effort to shield him slightly from the bubbly woman in front of us. I feel Cato's body sag against mine in exhaustion. It is clear he has met his quota of small town people for the day.

"You must be Cato," Delly says balancing her daughter on one hip while she stretches out her other hand to greet Cato. "I'm Delly Andrews, one of Katniss's best friends from school!"

Cato raises an eyebrow at me in surprise. I have no friends like Delly back in New York. But he turns to face her with a polite smile. Delly beams back at him and Thom finally manages to shepherd his sons across the street and holds one either side of him as they both fidget and try to get free. He gives both Cato and I a quiet hello before introducing himself. Thom is one of those strong silent types which is a good thing when he is married to someone who talks as much as Delly.

"How long are y'all in town for? Y'all just have to stay for the summer carnival next weekend. We have fairground rides, line dancing and the Mr Panem competition!" Delly says all at a rapid pace.

Cato is overwhelmed by the sheer speed at which she talks and I can tell he is struggling to take it all in. But Delly doesn't let him answer anyway and she goes off again on her next tangent. She leans forward and puts a soft hand on Cato's forearm. Cato looks down at where her hand lies on his arm, a little shocked by this stranger invading his personal space.

"The whole town is so excited that y'all here. We all miss Katniss so much but are so proud of her living in New York. I was always in awe of her in high school. She always knew what she wanted and was so clever and independent," Delly says.

If I ever need someone to write me a personal ad I am going to call Delly. She makes me sound like this inspiring and exceptional person, which I definitely am not.

"…and we're all so happy that she's found happiness again. I mean the whole town was devastated when her marriage with Peeta fell apart but I always knew she would find someone special again!" Delly declares.

Cato's body tenses from beside me. My heart stops. It seems I have been so busy worrying about what Peeta might say to Cato that I forgot about the rest of the town. Cato looks down at me with a questioning frown.

"Wait, Peeta?" he asks. "From the bakery? You were married to him?"

I flinch when I hear the hurt and confusion in his voice. Delly's eyes widen and a hand flies to her mouth.

"Oh my goodness! Y'all didn't know. Oh my! I am such a motor mouth. Always sticking my foot in things!" Delly exclaims sounding genuinely distressed.

Thom sighs and looks at me apologetically. He lets go of his sons and puts an arm around Delly's shoulder to try and steer her away from the situation.

"Come on, Del. Let's take the kids home. They are getting restless," he says.

Their two sons immediately run off and begun shooting each other with pretend guns. Delly looks at me with big regretful blue eyes that make it difficult for me to be mad at her. It was a genuine mistake. She didn't mean to hurt anyone.

And really it is my fault. I'm the one that has been keeping a secret from Cato. If I had told him he wouldn't be feeling so blindsided and confused now. I could have stopped this all from happening by just being honest with him.

Cato is still looking at me with a mixture of shock, hurt and confusion but I have no idea how to begin explaining things to him.

Delly, trying to make up for her mistakes, carries rambling on.

"Cato, you have nothing to worry about. It all happened so long ago. There is absolutely nothing going on with Katniss and Peeta now and Peeta is seeing Leevy anyway and…" she says.

"That's enough, Delly," Thom says cutting her off. Her rambling is just making things worse. "Let's go home."

Delly turns to her husband and he nods his head to confirm that they are leaving. Delly's shoulders sag with regret and she turns back to look at me with apologetic eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Katniss. I really didn't know. Please don't hate me," she says.

I smile sadly at her.

"I know. I don't hate you. You weren't to know," I reply.

This was my mistake. Not hers. I let her hug me goodbye before she gives me one last apologetic smile and lets Thom drag her away. I can hear her berating herself for putting her foot in her mouth as they walk away.

Slowly I turn around to face Cato. His face is hard when I do so.

"We need to talk," he says before turning and heading back in the direction of my parents' house.

* * *

 **A/N: Sorry for leaving you hanging there! It was only a matter of time before Katniss's secrets came out. It seems she can't get anything right in her relationships with men. You'll just have to wait and see how Cato reacts in the next chapter.**

 **I now have a Beta, LavenderVanilla, and we're helping each other out with our stories. If you want some more Everlark, check her out.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who continues to support this story. I'm glad you are all eager to find out how Cato reacts to the news. I know a lot of people like the version of Cato and I don't plan on making him the bad guy. I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

 **Thanks also to my Beta, Lavender Vanilla for all your advice and fixing my mistakes.**

* * *

 _Chapter 6_

Cato and I don't speak the entire journey back to my parents' house. He drops his arms from around me and clenches his fists,striding into my parents' house without looking at me. I quietly shut the door behind us, turning round to find him staring at me with anger in his eyes.

"Why didn't you tell me you were married?" he demands.

I let out an exasperated sigh as I fling my arms up in the air. I hate being challenged and my natural defence mechanisms come up.

"Because it was barely a marriage. We were eighteen, stupid and fought for an entire year. It hardly counts," I reply.

It is Cato's turn to let out an exasperated sigh.

"You still should have told me. That is a pretty big part of your life that you missed out," he says.

Peeta also told me to be honest with him only two days ago. It seems I can't stop lying to the men that I love. I look away from Cato ashamed. I continue to treat him badly.

"That's why you came to New York, isn't it? To run away from a broken marriage," Cato says, finally beginning to connect all the dots.

"I always wanted to get out of this town. I always wanted to see the world. Peeta was the only reason I didn't leave after graduation," I reply.

"Then what happened? You obviously loved him enough to stay. What changed?" Cato asks.

I can see he is struggling to wrap his head around it all. Everything he thought he knew about me has been put into doubt. Even the fact that I love him.

"Peeta and I got married for the wrong reasons. He proposed to keep me in Panem and I said yes because I spent my whole life growing up with him and didn't know a life without him," I say.

I try to keep my emotions in check. No one likes to admit their failings and it is made even harder because I hurt the men I love.

Cato looks at me sympathetically. He can tell he has hit a nerve. This is the first time I have actually said these words out loud. The first time I have admitted the reasons why my marriage failed. I have been in denial about it for so long but I realise now that Peeta and I should have never got married in the first place.

"Peeta is never going to leave this town. I needed to get out and see the world. Our marriage was doomed from the start," I state solemnly.

I look down at my shoes as I try to hide my face from Cato. I don't want to relive my past mistakes with him. I just want to forget about that part of my life. Cato lets out a weary sigh as he takes a step towards me.

"I just wish you had told me sooner. Give me some credit. I would have understood," he says.

I bite my bottom lip nervously as I gather up the courage to tell him the whole truth. He needs to know the real reason I came back to Panem. I look back up at him nervously.

"I know. I'm sorry," I say.

I take a deep breath to prepare myself for what comes next. I can see the hurt in his eyes that I kept this secret from him and know the next bit of information won't be easy for him to hear.

"There is more," I say.

Cato frowns as he gets even more confused.

"I'm technically still married to Peeta," I admit.

This last piece of information is enough to tip Cato over the edge. A fire brews in his eyes and he throws his hands in the air in despair.

"Jesus, Katniss! When were you going to tell me this? When we were standing together at the fucking altar?" he exclaims.

I flinch at the harsh tone of his voice. I deserve it for lying to him.

"I'm handling it. It's why I came back to Panem. To get the divorce," I reply.

Cato stands opposite me shaking his head.

"Why aren't you divorced already? You left nine years ago. You've had plenty of time to get one. Or do you still harbour feelings for this guy? Is that why you haven't asked for one yet?" he shouts.

"No," I reply. "Peeta has just been stubborn. He refused to sign the papers. It's punishment for leaving like I did."

I can see both of our tempers rising. I know I have fucked up but I don't like being accused. With Peeta giving me a hard time, I don't need Cato on my case as well.

"Well get it done. I love you but I'm not sharing you with anyone," Cato replies coldly.

I nod my head and Cato takes a deep breath. He won't even look in my direction.

"I need some time alone. I hope there is nothing else you have been keeping from me," he says bitterly.

I shake my head before he turns to stomp up the stairs.

* * *

I give Cato some time to cool down before I go up and do some serious grovelling. It is never my intention to hurt anyone when I keep things from them but it seems I am incapable of not doing so. Both Peeta and Cato have had very legitimate reasons to hate me these last two days.

I end up doing nothing productive for the rest of the afternoon. I browse the internet for ages, looking at travel blogs and trying to find an apology gift for Cato but I grow restless being stuck in the small house.

My parents get back later, frowning when they find me sulking in the living room but one look from me stops them from asking any questions. They know I won't want to talk about it with them. Mom instead busies herself in the kitchen making her famous pecan pie.

The sweet smell of syrup and nuts wafts through from the kitchen and begins gnawing at my stomach making it rumble. The smell is enough to move me off the couch and go sniffing around my mom's pots. I stand behind her as I stick my finger in the empty mixing bowl and lick the raw batter off my finger. Mom turns round to swot my hand away.

"Goodness, Katniss. You're not a child anymore. Y'all don't need to lick the bowl clean," she gently scolds.

However a smile appears on her lips and I can tell she is not mad at me for swiping the mixture but rather enjoys having me back in her kitchen. I smile back at her broadly as I take another swipe and saunter out of the kitchen with a cheeky smile.

"Still tastes good, Ma. Your pecan pie was the one recipe Peeta would never even attempt to replicate," I say.

I flop down on the sofa and Mom turns back to give me a smile.

"I couldn't leave the pie around if y'all were in. It was gone faster than a rabbit going down a hole," Mom replies affectionately.

I smile as I reminisce about the times Peeta and I used to sneak into the pantry to get a bite. We always said we'd just have one bite but we always crumbled quickly and gobble the whole thing.

Dad looks carefully at me out of the corner of his eye as he finishes reading yesterday's newspaper.

"Have you seen much of Peeta since you got back? I spoke with him at the barn dance on Friday," Dad says.

I can tell Dad is testing my reaction. He witnessed Peeta and me growing up together and falling in love. He saw how broken I was when things ended. I think part of him thinks I travel so much as a way to keep running from Peeta.

I suddenly find my nail beds very interesting and look at them instead **.** Dad has just reminded me that Cato is not the only person I have lied to. I have hurt two people in the last few days. And after Peeta's surprisingly calm and mature meeting with Cato I feel even worse for what I did to him. I really need to apologise to him as well as the sulking fiancé I have upstairs.

"Cato and I actually saw him today. He was very cordial," I reply.

"It was a long time ago now. And Peeta is never one to hold a grudge," Dad says.

I bob my head as I pick at my nails. I am glad that Dad didn't see our first two meetings with each other. I know he would have been disappointed in us.

The timer for the pie goes off, effectively ending the conversation, and I am glad. I don't want to sit here discussing Peeta and Cato with my parents. But as the timer goes I suddenly recognise an opportunity to make amends with at least one of the blond men in my life.

I need to apologise to Peeta. I need to apologise for leaving the way I did and for lying to him about the baby. And after meeting him with Cato today I need to thank him for not exposing me. If I want that divorce I need to make things better between us both.

With a plan forming in my head I get off the couch and make my way back to Mom. I look at her with pleading eyes.

"Can I have the pie please? As an offering to Peeta to say no hard feelings?" I ask.

Mom sighs but there is a smile on her face. She puts the pie in a box and hands it to me.

"Tell Peeta I said hello," she says.

I grin as I lean forward to place a kiss on her cheek. I take the box from her gratefully and shout a goodbye over my shoulder as I leave. If I can make things right with Peeta and get the divorce things will be a lot easier with Cato.

* * *

I stand on my old doorstep, clutching the pie in my hands and with nervous butterflies in my stomach. It seems I am always anxious around Peeta these days. I never know what he is going to say. It is such a contrast to the feeling of safety and peace I used to feel when I was a teenager.

At least this time I have a plan of action. And a peace offering. I am better prepared to face him and avoid an argument.

I knock on the door and chew on my bottom lip as I wait for him to answer. He answers the door moments later wearing a ratty grey t-shirt and loose fitting pants. He looks a little surprised to see me here but there is no coldness in his eyes tonight.

"I brought you Mom's pecan pie. I hope it's still your favourite," I say.

With an awkward smile, I hold up the pie for him to see. Peeta softens a little and shakes his head with a smile before stepping aside to let me in.

"No one makes it better," he says.

I smile at him as I step inside and hand him the pie. My eyes scan the surroundings as I take my first proper look at my former home.

It has changed almost beyond recognition. We couldn't afford much when we bought the place as eighteen-year-olds. Back then it had been filled with a mishmash of random furniture we had managed to scavenge from our families' basements. Nothing of that remains now.

The walls have all been painted a soft yellow colour. The carpets have all been removed to reveal the polished wooden floors. The furniture all matches with leather chairs and strong dark wood tables. Any trace of my presence here has been removed.

"You've been busy here," I say as Peeta puts the pie away.

His eyes harden a little at the comment.

"I had to do something to distract myself after you left," he replies.

I winch having not meant to offend him. Peeta notices this though and immediately his features soften.

"Sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't be harsh with you anymore," he says.

"You have every right to be mad at me," I reply.

I want to take responsibility for my actions during our relationship. I can't blame Peeta for everything that went wrong in our marriage. I certainly didn't make things easy at the end. Peeta looks back at me remorsefully.

"I talked to Madge. She explained how messed up y'all were after the miscarriage and how you weren't thinking straight. She said you didn't want to hurt me. There is no point hating you when it can't change what happened," he says.

I give him a small smile. Peeta was always the more rational of the two of us. I don't think I would have been quite so forgiving if things had been reversed.

"You're a much better person than I am. I couldn't blame you if you did hate me," I say.

Peeta shrugs his shoulders.

"Life is too short to hold grudges. I've had my chance to say all the things I have been dreaming about for the last nine years. I guess that it's time that I move on," he says.

There is a short pause before a small smile appears on Peeta's face.

"Besides, I can't hate anyone that brings me your momma's pecan pie," he says.

The grin widens across his face and I relax for the first time since I stepped in here. He is not looking for a fight tonight.

"I'm still sorry though. I shouldn't have left with a note. You deserved a face to face explanation. And I am sorry I didn't tell you about the baby. I wasn't thinking straight at the time and I really did think I was protecting you from yet more grief," I reply.

Peeta smiles at me gratefully.

"Apology accepted. I can't pretend you were the only reason our marriage fell apart. I played my part too. I'm sorry I kept you in Panem for so long," he says.

We share a small smile and it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm glad that we've made amends. I didn't come back to Panem to fight with him.

"And thank you for not saying anything to Cato this afternoon. It didn't do much good in the end as Delly ended up breaking the news just after you left, but I appreciate that it didn't come from you," I add.

Peeta laughs.

"Delly could never hold her tongue. The whole town will know the overdramatised story by tomorrow," he says.

I laugh and nod my head.

"It wasn't my place to tell. I'm sure y'all have your reasons for not telling him. I have to respect that," he adds.

I nod my head again and then there is a short pause. I almost can't believe how understanding he is about it all.

"How did Cato take the news anyway?" he asks.

I shrug my shoulders.

"He's mad, understandably, but it will be fine when he cools down. I've just got some sucking up to do," I reply.

It feels wrong to be discussing Cato with Peeta. I avert my eyes to the ground and fiddle with the end of my braid to try and avoid any further questions. Peeta senses my reluctance to speak more on the matter and sighs before turning to do something in the kitchen. It allows me enough time to recompose myself before he gets back.

Peeta returns from the kitchen with two beers, offering me one but I shake my head refusing. I don't want to stay here any longer than necessary.

"Cato seems like a nice guy. I'm glad y'all happy," he states.

I give him a small sad smile in return. He doesn't need to be this nice to me.

"Thanks. I am happy," I reply. "And I hope you're happy with Leevy too."

Peeta gives me an amused smile and shakes his head as he takes a sip of beer.

"Things with Leevy aren't serious," he replies.

My heart does an unexpected jump at this bit of information. But I quash any notion that it could possibly be in relief.

Peeta smiles at me again and takes another sip of beer before averting his gaze to the ground. He seems to be contemplating something.

Slowly he pulls his head back up to look at me seriously.

"Bring the divorce papers round. I'll sign them," he says.

There is an initial surge of joy at his words. I have been waiting nine years for this. I can finally get what I want and leave this town once and for all. But as I catch the look of Peeta's rather sad and defeated look, a twinge of unexpected sadness appears in my chest.

Things will be over between us for good. I didn't expect that thought to make me feel so sad.

* * *

I go back to my parents' house and knock on the guest room door to let Cato know Peeta has agreed to sign the papers. Cato softens slightly once he hears the news but I can tell by his rather half-hearted kiss it is going to take more than an agreement with Peeta to put things back to normal with us.

I do manage to coax Cato out of his room but he sits with more space than usual between us. I don't think it is out of respect for my parents. Dad raises his eyebrows when he witnesses the slightly too formal interactions between us both but Mom seems perfectly oblivious. She picks off from where she left us earlier and continues to fuss over Cato and force feed him all the southern cuisine she believes Cato has been missing in New York. We share a slightly stiff hug as we say good night and I go to bed trying to come up with a way to make things better again.

I wake early the next morning after having a restless sleep. I kept thinking about Cato's cold behaviour and running through different ideas of what I could do with him today to make things better.

And then there was the fact that Peeta kept popping up unexpectedly in my thoughts as I tried to get to sleep. I worry that I have been neglecting Cato lately, my mind too full of thoughts about Peeta, and I feel a terrible fiancée for spending so much time thinking about another man.

Frustrated, I throw back my covers and jump out of bed determined to forget about Peeta and instead focusing on making things right with Cato. He is my future. I don't want to dwell on the past.

Finally an idea plants itself in my mind as I am brushing my teeth, remembering how good riding made me feel when I arrived back in Panem. Hadn't I promised myself then that I would teach Cato? I could take him out today and hopefully he will see how I am trying to share part of my life here with him.

Thirty minutes later I rap my knuckles on his door holding a riding helmet and my dad's old riding boots. I don't wait for a reply before I barge my way into the room and find Cato lying on the bed reading something on his ipad. He looks up, startled by my intrusion, as I look at him with a big smile on my face while holding the riding gear proudly in my hands.

"I'm teaching you how to ride today," I state.

Cato looks between the two items in my hands and slowly a smile appears on his face.

"When do we start?" he replies.

I smile triumphantly as he rolls off the bed to get a closer look at the riding gear. I knew all it would take was an offer to do something he has never done before. Cato is always wanting to experience new things. It was one of the things that drew me to him and makes him such a good travelling companion. He's desperate to understand where I come from and riding could be the link that helps him understand the past I've been so reluctant to share with him.

We both set off eagerly for the adventures ahead.

We walk to the Donners' stables hand in hand. Cato's mood is brighter since I suggested today's outing and he is a lot more talkative as a result. We chat amiably as we stroll along the country roads savouring the fresh scents of wildflowers and newly cut grass. I begin to feel content again.

Joel Donner greets us at the stables with a big smile and a clap on the back for Cato but he doesn't ask any prying questions. After yesterday's interrogation I can tell Cato is glad he can avoid any further questions and get on with today's lesson.

I immediately go over to Sampson and he ducks his head so I can stroke him. I didn't forget the sugar cubes today and I dig one out of my pocket. I stand with a smile on my face as Sampson takes the lump out of my hand while I continue to stroke his mane. The almost forgotten feeling of excitement when I am about to go riding flows through my body and I can't wait to get started.

Cato stands back, slightly wary of the handsome animals. I turn to him with an amused smile.

"You have been swimming with sharks in Mexico but a horse scares you," I tease.

Cato lets out a light laugh and takes a few tentative steps towards me and Sampson. I watch him with a smile.

"I didn't realise how tall they would be," he says.

I roll my eyes at him before stuffing my hand back in my pocket to pull out another sugar cube. I gently place the sugar cube in his hand.

"Sampson is a softy. Just keep your palm flat and he'ill gobble up the sugar cube with no harm done," I explain.

Cato doesn't look entirely convinced. He is clearly convinced Sampson is going to bite his hand off but he is never a person to show fear and he relaxes his hand so he can offer the sugar cube to the horse. Sampson nudges his nose forward into Cato's hand and readily accepts the sugary treat.

A smile appears on Cato's face as he realises the horse is not going to eat him and laughs.

"It's like a wet kiss on you hand," he says as he reaches a hand out to stroke Sampson's head.

I laugh and shake my head as I reach out to pat Sampson's neck.

"You're going to end up cheating on me with the horse aren't you?" I tease.

"At least the horse won't scowl at me so much," Cato says with a cheeky smile.

Proving his point I turn to face him with a scowl which just makes Cato laugh louder. He then pulls me into his side and squeezes my waist.

"Come on. Show me how to ride this thing," he says placing a kiss on the side of my head.

I turn to smile back at him and drag him off into the stables to prepare the horses.

* * *

Rock climbing. Kayaking. Sky diving.

These are all things that Cato finds massively easier than riding a horse. It is almost comical seeing my hulking fiancé in a riding helmet and leather boots. He doesn't exactly have the natural rider's physique.

We find him a sturdy and calm chocolate mountain horse called Hunter and Cato wobbles as I show him how to put his foot in the stirrup while holding on to the reigns.

"Bounce up on your foot and swing your right leg round," I say as I put a hand on the reigns to steady the horse.

Cato nods his head and licks his lips in concentration as he tries to mount the horse. However as he tries to swing his leg round he loses his balance and topples backwards on to me.

"Whoa! Steady yourself!" I exclaim as I stick my hands out to catch him.

"Sorry. It's a lot harder than it looks," he replies.

I allow myself a small smile as I put my hands on his back and try to help him up into the stirrup again. So little ever seems to challenge him. Who would have thought a horse would end up being his nemesis?

After several failed attempts, one which Cato almost knocks both me and the horse out as he tries to swing his foot round, he finally mounts the horse. He is breathing heavily and the sweat has begun to gather on his temples but he is on the horse.

"I will never say horse riding is an easy sport again. I'm winded from just getting on the damn thing," he replies.

I smile as I stroke Hunter's neck to soothe him. It was quite an ordeal getting Cato onto his back.

Cato wobbles a bit on top of the horse and has to lean forward to grab the horse's mane to steady himself.

"Okay. Sit up straight. Heels pointing down and hands gripping the reigns. Gently squeeze your calves and I'll lead you around," I say as I take the lead reign.

Cato nods his head and does as I say but falls forward again when he tries to move. I bite back a laugh as he straightens and tries again.

Cato really struggles to find his balance on the horse. He can't quite get the natural rocking motion that is required for riding. On several occasions I have to stop as he shouts a loud "Whoa!" and almost topples off the horse. He complains about crushing his balls throughout the short ride around the fenced training area. He is definitely not a natural rider.

"We might not be able to have a kid after this," Cato says as he rather unattractively rubs his balls.

"Stop your whining. If you are good I might massage them for you later," I say.

Cato raises his eyebrows.

"Is that a promise?" he asks.

I just turn to give him a suggestive smirk. His grin grows wider and he sits up straighter in the saddle. I know he is already imagining what I am going to do to him when we get back to my parents' house.

"How about you try riding by yourself and I might give you a reward," I suggest.

Cato grins again as he grips the reigns tighter.

"If I fall and injure myself will I get a bigger reward?" he asks cheekily.

I just give him a coy smile in return before dropping the lead reign and stepping away.

"Let's just see your skills," I say.

Cato laughs and grips the reigns a little nervously. He squeezes his thighs to get the horse moving and begins a slow walk round the area.

I am impressed at first as he moves the horse round at a slow and steady pace. I shout my encouragements and a grin spreads across his face.

"See. I'm a total pro!" he shouts back cockily.

However his arrogance gets the better of him as he pulls the reigns too tightly and squeezes his thighs a little too much. Hunter lets out a loud whine in protest before darting off to the other side of the training area. Joel and I share a slightly worried look before I race after both of them.

Cato tries to hang on but his body is wobbling like jelly and I know it is only his strength that is keeping him on. I eventually manage to catch up with them as Hunter gets stuck at the fence and just before Cato is about to topple off. I reach for the reigns to try and calm the horse down.

"Whoa there, boy! Cato didn't mean to scare you," I say stroking his neck.

Hunter stops jolting about, snorting a little before I reach out to stroke his nose. I whisper soothing words into the horse's ear to calm him.

"Sure. Make sure the horse is okay ahead of your fiancé," Cato says as he manages to straighten up.

I turn to look up at him with a grin.

"Well you didn't have an idiot on your back trying to ride you," I reply.

Cato smiles and shakes his head. I move round to the side of the horse to help Cato get off. My fiancé basically falls off and lands in my arms with a loud huff. I laugh as I steady him. For as appalling as Cato has been at riding today the experience has been rather enjoyable. My cheeks hurt from laughing so much at Cato's misfortune.

"I am never doing that again. I'll leave the riding up to you," he says as he straightens in my arms.

My heart drop at his words. I had hoped that this could be one aspect of my life from Panem we could share back in New York. I didn't realise I missed riding so much until I got here.

Cato ducks his head down to look me in the eyes.

"Do I get my reward now?" he asks.

I smile up at him and let him lower his face to place a kiss on my lips. I open my mouth eagerly to let him in and enjoy the feeling of his arms wrapped around me.

But we are interrupted by the sound of approaching footsteps. I break away sharply from Cato and step back. This town is quite conservative and doesn't appreciate public displays of affection.

But the situation is made even worse when I turn round to find Peeta staring at us. There is a slightly sad look in his eyes and he looks away quickly, embarrassed to be intruding on our private moment. I try to move away from Cato, not wanting to flaunt my relationship in front of Peeta, but Cato tightens his grip on my waist and keeps me close to his side.

"Nice to see you again, Peeta. Katniss has been teaching me how to ride today," Cato asks.

Peeta smiles good naturedly back at Cato.

"Y'all got a good teacher," he replies. "I'm just off for a short ride to the water tower. Blow the cobwebs away after baking since five this morning."

The water tower. That was our place. Ever since I dared him to climb it when we were eight. It ended up being the place we escaped to whenever our parents nagged us too much or if we just wanted to be alone together. It is the place Peeta proposed.

I shake my head to try and rid myself of these memories.

Does Peeta still go there to think about his troubles? I don't even want to contemplate why he might want to go there today.

"Well, have a good one. Katniss and I are just off to have lunch together. Then I'll be taking her to show me all of Panem's hidden delights," Cato says.

Cato keeps his eyes on Peeta and keeps me in his firm grip. I know what he is doing. He's marking his territory. Proving to Peeta that he is the man I am with now.

Cato's never had to meet an ex of mine before. I don't have many. Just Peeta, a couple of one nights stands I had in college that I used to prove to myself that I was over Peeta and one rather disappointing six month relationship with a guy in grad school. But Cato doesn't like to feel threatened and it is clear that he feels so by Peeta. I feel embarrassed as Cato looks at Peeta challengingly. It is not an attractive side of him.

But Peeta doesn't react to it. He just smiles back at Cato and leaves things be. He has always been able to read people well and knows not to get into a pissing contest with Cato.

"Y'all have a good day then," Peeta replies.

For some reason I can't look at him any longer. I feel guilty about standing in front of him with Cato.

Cato gives Peeta a less than sincere smile back before he grabs my hand and pulls me out of the stables.

I turn back round to see Peeta one last time before we leave. I find him staring back at me with a sad smile that makes my heart clench.


	7. Chapter 7

_Chapter 7_

"Katniss, why aren't you wearing a dress? I laid out that lovely green one on your bed. It really complements your skin tone," Mom says as I come down the stairs in my jean shorts and t-shirt.

Cato tries to hide a snigger as I sigh and tie my hair into a braid. Even at twenty-eight years old my mother still feels the need to dress me.

"Mom, it's a small summer carnival. I don't want to be running around in a dress," I reply.

Mom lets out an exaggerated huff.

"The carnival is _the_ event of the summer. Everyone else's daughters will be in pretty dresses. Why can't you do this one thing for me?" Mom pleads.

"Going to the carnival was the one thing I was supposed to be doing for you. If I had my way we'd already be back in New York," I say.

A flash of pain crosses Mom's eyes and I immediately feel guilty for sounding harsh. She's only had this one visit in the last nine years and she doesn't know when she will get another one.

But the truth is I have no reasonto stay in Panem any longer. Cato realised pretty quick that there is not much to see or do here and has become a bit restless due to the slow pace of life in this town. All we have done this week is take a few country walks and vistited various family friends for dinner. I can tell Cato is tired of all the small town gossip and the inability to buy a decent cup of coffee. He's already planning our next trip abroad as an antidote for this rather insipid life.

Peeta has even signed the divorce papers. It was a bittersweet moment. I have wanted this for the last nine years but seeing his name signed next to mine I felt an unexpected pang of sadness. He was such a big part of my life for so long and it made me a little sad to know that part of my life is definitely over. But Cato's happy and he spent several hours showing me his appreciation the night I picked up the papers. Seeing his joy forced me to remember why I got the divorce in the first place; to make a future with him.

We are both eager to get back to our lives in New York but Mom insisted that we stay for the annual summer carnival. The carnival vans arrived in Panem last night and Mom is determined that we attend and say a proper goodbye to everyone.

Aside from the harvest festival, the carnival is the biggest event the town holds every year. Everyone gathers together on the first Saturday in July to celebrate the summer weather and engage in general merriment. As a kid I loved the carnival and all the rides and excitement it brought with it but as I grew older I became bored of the same attractions year after year. I would sulk every year I was forced to go until a group of us finally realised it was a good excuse to sneak in alcohol and drink under our parents' noses **.** I dread going now as an adult.

"Let's just go and enjoy the carnival. I will even let you take me to the pottery making stand," I say walking over to Mom.

I may not want to go but I love Mom enough to make an effort for her. She looks back at me with a grateful smile and places a hand on my arm.

"I'd like that. And y'all better vote for my pecan pie in the pie contest," she says tipping her head in our direction.

I laugh lightly and put an arm around her shoulder.

"You win that contest every year, Mom," I say with a big grin.

Mom's smile widens and Dad looks at both of us fondly.

"Well it helps being close with the Mellarks, of course," she replies.

Both Dad and I let out a small laugh. The Mellarks judge the annual pie making competition and favouritism has definitely played a part in all the years Mom has won.

"We better get moving if you're going to pick up that trophy," I say.

Mom smiles up at me and gently touches my cheek with her hand. She knows how bored I get staying here and she appreciates that I stayed long enough to attendthe festival with her today.

"Thank you for coming **,"** she says softly.

She smiles up at me warmly before dropping her hand and moving away. I feel a little bad for planning to leave on Monday with no plans to return **.**

I watch her solemnly for a moment as she talks to herself while gathering up all the items she needs for the carnival. Cato moves up behind me and puts an arm around my waist. I turn up to him with a small smile.

"I wish I enjoyed these things more for her. It's not my idea of fun but it makes her happy," I say to him.

Cato smiles down at me sympathetically. He leans in to place a kiss on the top of my head as I continue to watch Mom scuttle around Dad, asking him questions about where certain items are while he stands about looking a bit bewildered.

"The two of you are so different. Seeing you here it makes me wonder where you got your sense of adventure from," he replies.

I turn back to face him with a smile.

"I've always been more like Dad. He used to read me all these adventure stories when I was little and show me all these amazing pictures of places in the atlas. Apparently he was due to leave the town just after he graduated but then fell in love with my mom and couldn't leave," I reply.

"He's a romantic then," Cato says.

I smile and shake my head.

"I think he was crazy. I could never love someone enough to stay in this town," I reply.

Cato smiles down at me softly.

"I'm certainly glad that you decided to leave," he says as he gives my waist a gentle squeeze.

I smile brightly at him as Mom finally finishes gathering her stuff and declares that she is ready to leave. Cato and I share a smile before we follow my parents out the door.

* * *

Panem's summer carnival is loud, bright and gaudy. The shrill sounds of the fairground rides can be heard from a couple of miles out and bright lights flash and almost blind us under the hot sun. The Threads' field is covered in a variety of colourful tents filled with everything from tarot reading to beer tasting. The whole place is overrun with small screeching children, faces smeared with candy floss as they run between rides. Cato's eyes widen in surprise when he sees it.

"I thought carnivals like this only existed in the 50s," he says.

"I've always told you Panem is a little behind the times," I reply.

Cato laughs lightly as he slips his hand into mine. I know he won't really want to leave me today. He has had enough of small town people to last him a lifetime.

Mom immediately darts off to check on her pie in the baking tent and Dad gives us a smile before sneaking off to join Haymitch Abernathy in the beer tent. As I look around the crowded and faded tents seeing a teenager genuinely getting excited by the appearance of the whack a mole game, I can't help be glad that this is no longer the highlight of my year.

Gale and Madge spot us and give us big smiles as they make their way towards us with little Noah toddling behind them. Gale looks ridiculous in a denim shirt with the sleeves cut off and one too many buttons undone. I look at him with a disapproving shake of the head.

"What the hell are you wearing, Gale?" I ask.

Gale gives me a cheeky smile as he raises his arms up and flexes his muscles.

"What? Y'all don't like my lucky shirt? I gotta wear something that shows off my guns and intimidates the competition. I am the defending champion of the Mr Panem competition," he replies.

Madge stands beside him with a smile on her face but Cato frowns in confusion. Gale and Madge are some of the few people Cato can tolerate in this town and we have had dinner with them on a couple of occasions but I can tell Gale's current get up confuses him. No one dresses like that in New York.

I'm not surprised that Gale won the Mr Panem trophy last year. It is a contest that pitches the young men of Panem against each other as a way to prove who is the manliest. The events include lawn mower racing, pie eating, arm wrestling, shooting and a track race. Every event is geared to show off all their masculine traits and is the centre piece of the summer carnival.

"Gale is taking part in the Mr Panem competition. He's hoping his biceps make up for the lack of brain cells," I explain to Cato.

Gale scowls and playfully punches me in the arm.

"Hey! You're just jealous you can't take part. You're probably more masculine than any man here," he replies.

It is my turn to scowl and both Cato and Madge laugh. I cross my arms across my chest and let out a loud exhale as I turn to face Madge.

"I can't believe you let him leave the house dressed like that," I say to her.

Madge just grins wider and turns to tip her head up to look at her husband. She reaches up to gently rub the scruff on his chin as his hand immediately draws her in and rests against her swollen belly.

"I was the envy of all the wives last year. I've gotta do something to show them that I still have the most attractive husband in Panem," she says with a smile.

Gale smiles at her fondly as he ducks his head down to lean his forehead against hers. They go into their own little world and forget everyone else around them.

"Eurgh! I'm glad I left before you two got together. You're nauseating," I exclaim.

They both break away from each other as Madge turns to look at both Cato and I again. Noah has been busy this whole time playing with a bit of long grass he found and seems oblivious to all the adults around him.

"Believe me. We had to witness a lot worse with you and Peeta. We even walked in on you guys that one time," Madge replies.

I blush and Cato tenses next to me. Even though I've got the papers signed he still feels a little threatened by Peeta. He doesn't like the idea of another man having me. Wanting to change the subject of conversation I bend down to talk to Noah.

"Your parents are mean, Noah. I don't know if I want to be friends with them anymore," I say.

Noah turns to me with a toothy smile and offers me a dandelion that he holds in his hand. I smile at him as I happily accept it and thank him for the weed. Madge and Gale look down at us with happy smiles on their faces.

"Are you trying to turn my son against us? Only really special people get Noah's dandelions," Madge says.

I turn to look up them with a grin.

"He knows I feed him candy," I reply.

Madge narrows her eyes at me.

"I knew you were sneaking him candy under the dinner table on Wednesday! I couldn't get him asleep until 10 o'clock!" she exclaims.

I laugh as I straighten my back and stand up. Noah watches me as stand and then Cato catches his attention. He gets up unsteadily onto his feet and totters over to my fiancé. He sticks out his chubby hand and shoves another dandelion in front of Cato. Cato looks startled by this and steps away from Noah. Noah's face falls a little and I have to swoop down and accept the weed off him. I give him a kind smile before turning back to his parents. Cato looks relieved that any interaction with Noah has been avoided.

"I'm sorry, okay? I couldn't resist those big grey eyes. How about I take him for a few hours today to make up for it?" I say.

Noah is slowly getting over his shyness and we even got to playing together when I was last round at the Hawthornes'. I really don't mind entertaining him for a couple of hours, especially when I think about wanting my own kids in the near future.

"You only offer because you know Noah is the most placid kid here. I swear I saw Delly's kids already trying to let the sheep escape," Madge replies.

I grin and tell her I certainly wouldn't be making the same offer to Delly. Both Gale and Madge smile in return and tell me that that their son is all mine for the next couple of hours. Cato looks mildly appalled by the idea but I turn to Noah with a goofy smile. He giggles as I bend down again to ask him if he minds spending some time with me. He just smiles back up and offers me another dandelion before I take his hand so we can explore the carnival.

Cato and I leave Gale and Madge to prepare for the Mr Panem competition while we take Noah to see the petting zoo.

"Are we really going to have to drag a kid around for two hours? This place is busy enough without having to keep an eye on him," Cato says.

I turn round to him with a frown. I know Cato hasn't spent much time around kids and kept his distance from Noah when we had dinner at the Hawthornes but I really didn't think he would mind looking after him for only a couple of hours.

"It's only for a little while. Nothing will go wrong," I reply.

"But I don't know what to do with a baby," Cato wails.

"He's three. It's not that hard. Just ask him about his favourite teddy bear and make sure he doesn't eat too much candy," I say.

Cato lets out a loud sigh as we carry on walking. Noah sticks his thumb in his mouth and takes in all the sights and sounds around him. Cato looks down at him warily.

"I just didn't expect to be stuck babysitting today," he grumbles.

Once again I frown. I am surprised by his reluctance **.** I thought kids were on the horizon for both of us in a couple of years. This will be good practice for us both. But maybe it's because Noah isn't his own kid.

We take Noah to the petting zoo and his eyes light up when he sees the baby goats and pigs. Cato stands back as I bend down with Noah so he can stick out his chubby hands to pet the animals. He squeals in delight when the goat leans forward to lick him on the cheek. I can't stop the smile spreading across my face as I watch Noah enjoy the animals while Cato stands back awkwardly.

After the petting zoo we take Noah down to the small race track where the first event for the Mr Panem competition is taking place. I buy him a little green flag and write the name Daddy on it so he can cheer on Gale **.** We approach the track and Noah waves enthusiastically when he spots his parents. Madge greets him with a big smile as she sticks out her hands to take him out of my arms. I notice Cato look a little relieved that we seemed to have finished babysitting duties.

"Did Katniss buy you this flag? Daddy is going to be so proud to see you waving it!" Madge exclaims as she strokes the hair on top of his head.

"Daddy's gonna win!" Noah replies almost poking Madge in the eye with the flag.

Madge puts her hand up to shield her face and gently push the flag back down. Gale is just at the start of the race track with the other competitors and gives his son a little wave. I spy both Darius and Thom on the start line as well as an oily Peeta bending down to fiddle with something on his lawn mower.

The first event of the competition is lawn mower racing and the men have to complete three laps of the circular track with only hay bales for barriers. Normally at least five lawn mowers end up on the scrap heap by the end of the race.

Cato studies the track carefully and I can tell he is dumbfounded that events like this actually take place.

"I thought lawn mower racing was just a myth that they used in television programmes," he says.

I turn to him with a smile.

"It gets pretty serious. Some guys spend a lot of money making their mowers faster," I reply.

Cato raises an eyebrow and I nod my head in confirmation. He raises his eyebrows again in surprise before turning back to look at the track with a shake of the head.

"You wanna go? There's not much to it and it gets the adrenaline pumping," Gale says making his way to us.

Peeta gets up from his lawn mower and looks over at us with a frown as he wipes the oil off his hands. Several of the other guys are watching us carefully, intrigued to see if the yankee will take the challenge. Cato is studying the track again and I can tell he is seriously contemplating it. He always likes a challenge and even though I find it stupid I know he is interested.

As his eyes scan the track they eventually come to land on Peeta who is still watching us carefully. Cato's eyes harden and it seems to be Peeta's presence that determines his answer.

"Count me in," he replies keeping his eyes on Peeta. "Katniss and I rode mopeds when we were in Rome. It can't be too different."

Peeta narrows his eyes back at Cato and the two stare at each other intently until I step in between them and put a stop to it.

"Cato you don't have to race," I say.

I need to convince Cato to not get involved. I can already tell him entering the race is going to end badly. He is too competitive for his own good and I am a little worried what he and Peeta will do if Cato does compete.

Cato frowns at me.

"I want to ride. Show these people that not all New Yorkers are soft push overs," Cato says turning his gaze to look at Peeta. Peeta's eyes harden.

I let out an exasperated sigh.

"Fine. Go and play. But don't just do this as a way to prove you are good enough for me," I say.

Cato frowns a little annoyed.

"This isn't about you," he replies.

I sigh again and think that while it might have nothing to do with me, this competition might have something to do with Peeta. I don't want it to become some sort of grudge match. But I also don't want to argue in the middle of the carnival where everyone can see us. I'll just have to stay and watch and hope things don't get too hostile.

I let Cato go off to get a lawn mower and he bends down as Gale shows him how to turn the thing on and get it to increase speed. Peeta watches on carefully as Bran helps him make adjustments to his own lawn mower. Both men keep shooting each other glares as the other works.

Madge looks at me with a sympathetic smile as Noah sticks his thumb in his mouth and leans his head against her shoulder.

"Men and their egos. It's amazing that we ever want to go out with one," she says.

I force a small smile before turning back to look at Cato who sits on top of the lawn mower testing out the accelerator. While I am watching him, Rye Mellark saunters over to us with a baby strapped to the front of his chest and a five year old blonde girl wearing a boy's t-shirt and sneakers tagging along behind him. He gives me a warm smile as he approaches.

"I'm surprised no one has got the rule book out to check out if a yank can compete," he says once he has stopped beside us.

"Unlikely. They all want a chance to prove they are better than a big wig New Yorker," Madge replies with a smile.

Rye laughs loudly and disturbs the sleeping baby strapped to his front. The baby starts to cry and Rye immediately leans forward to soothe the screaming child. I look at him with a shake of the head.

"I'm surprised you're not out there competing. You were always bragging that you would be the undefeated champ of Mr Panem when you were old enough to compete," I reply.

The baby stops crying and Rye looks back up at me with a cheeky grin.

"Poor shoulder you see. Violet banned me from competing in case of further injury," he says patting the back of his injured shoulder. "Haven't even been able to farm these last three months. I'm back working in the bakery under baby bro."

"So you're stuck babysitting then," I say tipping my head towards the two young children.

The older girl has found a stick and clambered on top of the wooden fence to brandish it in the air. Her blond hair is a matted mess and her face is rounder than Rye's but there is no mistaking the brilliant blue Mellark eyes **.**

"I can't believe you're a dad. You were still putting cellophane on the toilet seat when I left," I say.

Rye grins wider as he shifts the baby slightly.

"Yeah. Violet wasn't impressed when I taught Daisy that trick. Babysitting today is punishment for teaching her how to give someone a box of crickets for a present," he replies.

I shake my head at him. I get the feeling he probably acts more immature than his children.

"It doesn't surprise me that you use your children as an excuse to act like a kid yourself," I say.

"Why else would you have kids?" Rye says playfully.

Both Madge and I laugh and the baby lets out a small squeal but one touch from her father quietens her down.

"Molly here is getting christened tomorrow. Y'all should come," Rye says once he finishes soothing his daughter.

I shift about on my feet as his suggestion makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

"I don't know, Rye. I don't think Bran or Peeta would like me intruding on a family event," I say.

Bran has still not forgiven me for what I did to Peeta. I am very aware of the cold glares he is shooting in my direction as I speak to Rye. He clearly thinks it is inappropriate for us to be friendly.

Rye lets out a loud huff as he flicks his eyes towards Bran and Peeta on the track.

"I know we haven't seen much of each other these last few years but you're family. You're like my annoying little sister and I want you there. Bran can just suck it up," he says.

I chew on my bottom lip as I contemplate my answer. Rye looks sincere when he says he genuinely wants me there and for so long I saw him as family. I just don't want to step on any toes by going tomorrow.

"I really don't think anyone would mind, Katniss and Peeta's accepted things between you two now. I don't think it would be awkward," Madge adds.

I turn to look at her and she gives me an encouraging smile. I am happy for Rye and if he wants me there I can't really refuse. I take a deep breath before I turn back to face Rye to give him an answer.

"Sure," I reply. "I'll be there."

Rye's grin broadens and he pulls me in for a hug, squishing his daughter between us. Daisy then takes a rather energetic sweep in the air with the stick and begins to wobble slightly from her perch on the fence. Rye has to rush forward to steady her.

"Thank you, Daddy," the little girl says before she begins striking the stick in the air again pretending to be a knight on a horse.

Rye lets out a small sigh of relief as he straightens back up. The look of love he has in his eyes for his daughter is one I never thought I would see on his face.

Our attention is turned back to the start of the race as the men all begin to take their places on the start line. Cato shoots me a wide smile as he rolls his lawn mower to his starting place. I smile back but a feeling of dread settles in my stomach. I don't like his reasons for doing this.

I stare at Cato for a few moments as he checks everything is working with the lawn mower before turning back to face Rye

"So you're here to support your brothers then?" I ask. "And by support I mean make fun of them from the side lines."

Rye gives me a cheeky grin.

"You know me so well. I actually have a bet on Hawthorne winning today. He's one fine specimen of a man if you don't mind me saying, Madge," he replies.

Madge smiles.

"I don't mind at all. I'm well aware of just how much of a man Gale is," she says.

I roll my eyes at them both as their grins grow wider.

"I mean it's a tradition, Katniss. I stand at the side lines giving them crap while you stand scolding me every time I say anything bad about Peeta," Rye says.

I shake my head at him with a smile. Part of growing up with the Mellarks meant we gave each a lot of shit over the years but it was always good natured and came from a place of love. But I was rather protective over Peeta and would hit Rye whenever he tried to distract him at his wrestling meets. It was just another part of family life.

"I'm not supporting Peeta today," I say as I turn back to look at Cato.

He is bending down to pick something up off the ground and as he gets back up, he doesn't see Peeta who steps back into him. Peeta stumbles slightly and turns back to face Cato with a hard glare. Things are getting angsty between them already and the competition hasn't even started yet.

Rye watches the interaction carefully and turns back to me with a glint in his eye.

"I suppose not. Just makes things today a lot more interesting," he replies.

My face falls as the feeling of dread returns again.

Rye is not wrong. From the moment Cato barges Peeta's lawn mower off the track I know things are going to be bad between them. Peeta is normally a very cordial person but he gets angry if he thinks there are injustices. He glares at Cato as he inspects the damage done to his lawn mower and from that moment on his nice guy act is gone.

The whole competition becomes about them and they forget about everyone else as they try to outdo each other. The other competitors are mere spectators as Cato and Peeta tussle together to try and prove who the best man is.

But Mr Panem is not the real competition. Throughout all the events the competition morphs into one to prove who knows me the best. Throughout each event Cato and Peeta argue about everything about me from my favourite colour to my SAT score. During every lull in the competition one or the other keeps throwing bits of information about me out there. Some of it is very personal and I am sure my parents would never want to know it.

I am mortified.

The day drags on and I am increasingly more and more embarrassed as they try to one up each other. At first I try to intervene and remove Cato from the situation but that just proves to be more ammunition and leads to a discussion about the people I like to spend time with. Both say snide remarks that don't endear me to either of them. The only thing that keeps me from leaving is to ensure things don't get physical between them, something that looks increasingly more likely at the events go on. The pair of them get closer and closer into each other's personal space.

Cato beats Peeta in the lawn mower racing. Peeta wins the shooting. Cato thrashes Peeta in the pie eating contest but Peeta surprisingly annihilates Cato in the arm wrestling. Things are pretty even as they go into the final round tied in first place.

I am glad for the last event to take place so that I can finally drag Cato away. He's revealed a side to him today that I have never seen before and don't appreciate. I can't take much more of this pissing contest between them.

The last event is a run round the carnival grounds. With a New York marathon under his belt, Cato is feeling pretty confident. He jogs up to me with a cocky swagger and throws an arm around my shoulder.

"Last event. I think I've got this one in the bag," he says.

I am too pissed at him to come up with any appropriate response. I just want it to be over so we can leave. I shrug out of Cato's grip and he looks at me a little surprised. Peeta lets a satisfied smirk cross his face and I turn to him with a scowl. He drops the smirk from his face instantly like a chastised child.

Cato sighs and leans in to place a kiss on my cheek. I accept it reluctantly as he prepares for the race.

"Wish me luck," he says but I barely look at him as he walks away to the start line.

Gale stands beside Madge,getting his own kiss for luck. Both he and Madge look at my sympathetically as we watch Cato walk away.

"I didn't even know Peeta had this side to him," Madge says as she watches Peeta chat to his brothers not far away.

"Oh, come on. Do you remember how jealous he got when he thought Darius was flirting with Katniss? It's the only time I ever seen him throw a punch," Gale says.

I sigh again not wanting to remember the time in junior year when Peeta gave Darius a black eye after he playfully teased me. Though I think I preferred that incident to the one that has unfolded today.

Gale bends down to give both Madge and Noah a kiss before rubbing a loving hand across Madge's pregnant belly and jogging over to the start line. I wait impatiently for it all to be over.

As Gale leaves Peeta's mom comes up behind us holding a Tupperware box. She smiles at her two sons competing before she stops next to Madge and me.

"So I haven't missed the last race then?" she asks.

"Unfortunately not. I just want this day to be over," I reply.

The smile falls from Carolyn's face as she sees my despondency.

"I heard it has been a bit of a tussle between my son and your fiancé. I take it that has made things difficult for you," she says.

I sigh and nod my head. I often found it easier to talk to Carolyn than my own mom. She isn't quite as excitable as Mom and always has good honest advice. I have missed her calming influence these last few years.

Carolyn smiles at my sympathetically and hands me the Tupperware box.

"I saved you a cheese bun from the baking tent. I hope it's still your favourite," she says.

I smile at her gratefully as I take the box and pop open the lid to smell the cheesy goodness inside. For once I'm glad that some things don't change as I inhale the familiar scent.

All the men are at the start line leaning forward to start the race. Cato throws a smile in my direction before he turns again to focus on the front of the race and wait for the starter gun. Everything goes deafly quiet as Joel Donner walks up to the start line and raises the starter gun. There is a short pause before he pulls the trigger and all the men dart off and set a steady pace.

The run around the whole carnival is about three miles so they need to set a steady pace to not use up too much energy. The crowd cheers as they run past and many children hold up homemade banners showing their support for their dads and uncles. Cato throws a few cocky smiles in the direction of the well-wishers as he runs. He is not running at the speed I know he can run at to get a good time and seems to be content in keeping pace with the pack before bursting away at the end. Peeta keeps his eye on him and runs just a little bit behind as he finds his rhythm.

Soon the men all disappear round the corner and while some of the children try to run after them I stay put knowing we won't see them again until the sprint finish at the end.

Half an hour later I am a little bored as I stand chatting to Madge and Mrs Mellark. But suddenly I hear some cheering not too far away and know the leaders of the race must be close. Everyone turns in the direction of the sound waiting to catch the first glimpse of the leader. The wave of noise gets closer as the minutes tick by and suddenly I catch a glimpse of the first mop of blond hair rounding the corner.

Much to my surprise Peeta is in the lead and his arms and legs are pumping furiously. He turns his head back round to check on his nearest challenger but there is none in sight at the moment. Facing forward his eyes narrow on the finish line as he kick starts his last boost of energy.

Just as he sprints down the home straight Cato comes barrelling along the track. He's covered in mud and his eyes are filled with intensity as he desperately tries to catch up with Peeta. The crowd cheers on their home boy as Cato begins to close the distance behind Peeta. Peeta senses from the roar of the crowd that Cato is close and he puts his head down pushing forwards to the end of the line.

My heart thumps loudly in my chest and I wait with bated breath as Peeta closes in on the finish line. My eyes are glued to him as Cato continues to close the gap and Peeta uses up every last reserve of his energy. The crowd's cheers grow louder spurring Peeta on.

He looks like he is about to drop dead but then he turns slightly and catches my eye giving me a small smile before lunging forward and breaking the white tape across the line. Peeta collapses on the ground and closes his eyes as he breathes heavily. The crowd roars triumphantly before Cato jogs over the line seconds later.

Rye and Carolyn rush over to Peeta with a bottle of cold water and pull him back up onto his feet with a pat on the back. The remaining competitors appear round the corner and all start crossing the finishing line. Cato walks over to me breathing heavily with his hands on his hips.

"The bastard knew all the short cuts and then he tripped me and I went flying into the mud," Cato pants.

I give him a small sympathetic smile but after his display today am not in the mood to be overly understanding. I'm hoping to put this day behind me and make a swift exit when I hear Peeta's voice float over the crowd.

He's managed to regain his breath and is standing surrounded by his family and friends with a triumphant smile on his face.

"I'm buying everyone a drink to celebrate. Katniss is a Yuengling still you favourite?" Peeta asks with his gaze fixed in my direction.

My skin prickles. Why can't he just let me go? Does he really need to prove to Cato that he knows my beer preference?

I stop and turn to face him again. Cato has tensed beside me and fires Peeta a cold glare.

"Actually, Katniss is more of an old fashioned bourbon drinker now. She only drinks the best from Kentucky," Cato replies as he takes a step towards Peeta.

Peeta breaks away from his family to come and meet Cato halfway. Carolyn tries to stick her hand out to stop him but he ignores her completely as he comes to a stop in front of Cato. Both men stand facing each other with hard glares.

"I believe Katniss can answer for herself. She hates when people speak on her behalf," Peeta replies.

"She also hates it when people make assumptions about her. Her taste in drink has matured and become more sophisticated since she left," Cato says.

"Just because she's travelled the world and tried new things doesn't mean she has forgotten everything completely. Even with new tastes she can still enjoy the old ones," Peeta replies.

Cato lets out a small amused laugh as he takes another step towards Peeta. Now their chests are practically touching and I am worried that a punch is going to be thrown soon. Everyone in the near vicinity has stopped to watch the interaction and only the sounds of the fairground rides and the occasional shriek of a child can be heard. I watch the whole thing with dread and anger.

"You really don't know Katniss anymore. She has spent the last nine years trying to erase every part of Panem from her life," Cato says cruelly.

There is a sharp gasp from the crowd when they hear Cato's words. They don't like the implication that I possibly could hate this town.

My own temper flares at the last words. I know this is what everyone is going to be talking about for months. Once again I have been humiliated and I hate that they both talk about me like I am not here. Like I am too simple to speak for myself.

I barge my way over and stand looking between them angrily.

"Stop it. That is enough. I am not going to stand and watch you two argue over me any longer. I am not some trophy you can win!" I declare.

Both Cato and Peeta snap their heads round to look at me. At least they both have the decency to look a bit ashamed about what they have done.

"I have had to watch all afternoon as you've tussled to prove who knows me the best. But now I am thinking that neither of you know me because then you would have both known that I didn't want to see this. You haven't thought about my feelings all day. You have just embarrassed me," I say.

Peeta looks down at his feet ashamed and Cato tries to say something but I cut him off with a glare. He cowers back slightly when he sees the intensity behind it.

"I'm sick of watching your male jealousies and I won't be watching this pissing contest between you both any longer. Come and find me when you have both grown up a bit," I say before turning and leaving them both standing in the middle of the ground.

The crowd parts for me wordlessly as I make my way through the carnival. How can two men who supposedly care for me embarrass me in such a way?

* * *

 **A/N: Oh dear. Things aren't getting any easier for Katniss.**

 **Thanks to everyone that is supporting the story. You'll see that I have made quite a few deviations from the original movie so even if you have seen that you won't necessarily know how this story ends.**

 **Finally thanks to my beta, LavenderVanilla who fixes my mistakes and straightens things out.**


	8. Chapter 8

_Chapter 8_

I sit stewing in anger in my old bedroom while reading research journals to distract me from the two idiotic blond men from this afternoon.

I knew Cato was competitive. It is part of the reason he has achieved so much so young but today's competition was personal. I have never seen him compete with so much jealousy and pride. He has never been this unattractive to me.

And Peeta. I didn't think he had it in him to be brought down to that level. He is the consistent people pleaser. He normally just shrugs off people's petty jealousies but Cato dragged him right down with him.

Neither man acted like the person I fell in love with.

After a couple of hours of being left alone there is a gentle knock on the front door. I scowl as I roll off my bed and stomp down the stairs to answer it. My mood has only soured more and I really don't want to handle people right now.

I wrench the door open with a fierce scowl hoping to scare the guest away. However when I open the door I find Peeta standing in my doorway with a pastry box and an apologetic smile.

"It's my turn to make a peace offering," he says while holding up the medium sized cardboard box. "Cheese buns."

My stomach immediately rumbles when I catch the fresh cheesy smell of the bread. They must have just come out of the oven. I am suddenly ravenous and can't resist the lure of the cheesy treat.

I take a deep sigh before I reach out to grab the box off Peeta and step aside to let him in.

"You know your mom already gave me some at the carnival," I say as I put the box down on the table.

I pop open the lid and carefully inspect the six perfectly shaped golden buns with cheese grated on top. I squeeze a couple in my hand before deciding which one to eat first and taking it out of the box. Peeta is standing with an amused smile on his face as I turn back around taking the first bite of the bun. I have to bite my lip to stop myself from moaning in approval as the bread falls apart in my mouth. I'm still pissed and I won't give Peeta the satisfaction of knowing how much I'm enjoying them.

"Mom practically shoved the ingredients in my hands. She said I needed to make amends pronto. I haven't had such a telling off from her since that time she caught us finger painting the wallpaper in her bedroom," he replies.

I can imagine Carolyn giving Peeta a right telling off for his behaviour this afternoon. She is a stickler for good manners and her son didn't behave gentlemanly today. It is a little comforting to know after everything I have done to her youngest son she is still willing to defend me when he is being an ass.

"I came here to apologise. I'm sorry for the way I behaved today. I never meant to embarrass you and I certainly didn't want to make you feel like some sort of prize. I know you hate that. You're the most independent person I know and I'm sorry that we made you feel like a trophy we could claim," he says.

I gulp down the bit of cheese bun I am chewing and my features soften after his words. He looks genuinely sorry and I know the old Peeta would have been mortified if he thought he hurt me in any way. I appreciate him making the effort to make amends. It is more than Cato has done yet at any rate.

I wipe the crumbs from around my mouth as I think carefully about what I am going to say next. I don't want to get into another argument.

"Thank you. I know how hard it can be to apologise," I reply.

Peeta laughs.

"No kidding. Rye is still waiting for your apology for tearing the heads off his Power Rangers figurines," Peeta says with a grin.

"He started it! He pulled the stuffing out of my favourite teddy bear!" I reply.

Peeta just laughs and the sound calms me. I relax my shoulders and share a laugh with him.

"I should have known better than to let my male pride get in the way of everything else. I guess I just didn't like the fact he was insinuating that everything has changed about you. I like to think that there are still some parts of you that are the same. Though it is still no excuse for acting like a man child this afternoon," he says.

I look back at him with a sad smile. The truth is that so much about me has changed. I have tried so hard to remove all the small town parts of me and I am very different to the young girl that left this town. But as I stand looking at the person who was such a big part of that girl I become a little sad. Not everything about her was bad.

"A lot has changed since I left here," I reply.

Peeta nods his head in understanding.

"Yes. But I still think you're essentially the same girl who is constantly seeking out adventure and wanting to try new things," Peeta replies.

Even after all this time he still knows me. Through all the changed drink preferences and recreational activities, he still understands what makes me tick. Just as I still understand he likes the comfort and familiarity of this town and would never want to leave here.

"Thanks for the cheese buns," I say as I try to steer the conversation away.

Things are becoming too personal. I don't want to delve into all that has happened since I left.

Peeta gives me a smile.

"Like I said. Some things about you haven't changed," he says.

I let myself share a small smile with him. I don't think my love of Mellark's cheese buns is ever going to change. I found something similar in New York once but it didn't taste the same. I think it was because the baker didn't put in same level of care and devotion. The Mellarks always put the greatest care into making their food.

"I guess I'll see you at the christening tomorrow. Rye said he's invited you," Peeta says.

I had totally forgotten about the christening. I feel even more awkward about attending after what happened today. I know everyone will be talking about it tomorrow and Cato comments about how I hate Panem are rightfully not going to endear me to anyone. I don't spoil their day by it becoming all about me.

"Yeah. I said I would go. That's if you don't find it too weird about me coming," I say.

Peeta stares back at me and shrugs his shoulders.

"I won't lie and say it's not going to be a little strange seeing you there, but I know Rye was like a brother to you and if he wants you there that's up to him," he replies.

"I won't go if you don't want me there. I don't want things to be awkward," I say.

Peeta pauses as he looks at me carefully.

"You should come. My family misses you. I mean you practically lived half of your life at ours growing up and I know Mom found it hard this last week having you back but not being close with you. It'd really mean a lot to them if you came," he says.

My heart clenches. The Mellarks were part of my family for so long. The one thing I have realised since I got back here is that I miss the feeling of having a family. Cato's family aren't close in New York and I see my parents once a year. It makes me want to create something like that back in New York. There is something so comforting being surrounded by loved ones.

"I'll be there," I reply.

Peeta gives me a small smile.

"Good. Bring Cato too. I know he's important to you," he says.

I smile at him sadly. He is treating me better than I deserve now. It can't be easy for him to see me with another man.

I nod my head and smile at him one last time before stepping around him to let him out. Peeta smiles at me as he walks through the door and goes down the steps. He stops and turns to give me a small wave before setting off in the direction of his house. A heaviness weighs on my heart as I watch him go.

* * *

Cato appears not long after Peeta has left clutching a bunch of rather drooping looking wild flowers in his hands.

"I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to embarrass you. I know you hate being the centre of attention," he says.

For the second time today I sigh and accept the apology gift off the man. Cato follows me into the kitchen and watches me fill a vase to put the flowers in. I don't say anything as I compose myself but Cato gets impatient as he waits for a reply and steps forward to turn me towards him.

"I was a jealous idiot. I didn't mean it. I've just never had to meet one of your exes before and I handled it badly," he says.

"You think? Cato, why are you even jealous of him? Things have been over between Peeta and me for a long time. I don't feel that way about him anymore. It's you I love now," I say.

"I know but you have to remember that you never told me about him! My insecurities tell me that you didn't because you still have feelings for him and it's hard to fight that when I hear him tell me all these things he knows about you," Cato says.

He reaches out to take my hand and links our fingers together before rubbing his thumb across my knuckles. I sigh as I look down at our joined hands. I guess I haven't made things easier by keeping Peeta from Cato. I probably would think the same if the situation was reversed.

"I love you and I didn't mean to hurt you today," he says.

His eyes are a little scared as he looks down at me. It is the most vulnerable I have ever seen him. He's scared of losing me. To Peeta. And he has just gone about it the wrong way.

I smile softly as I reach a hand up to gently caress his cheek.

"I love you. I promise. Just don't act like that again," I say.

Cato lets out a visible sigh of relief as he leans his head down to rest against mine.

"I promise. I'm sorry," he says placing a soft kiss on my lips.

As he pulls back and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear a cheeky grins spread across his face.

"I guess this means I have a lot of making up to do tonight," he says with a suggestive smile.

I smile and playfully push him on the shoulder.

"That's your answer for everything. Sex makes everything better," I reply.

Cato just grins again as he wraps his arms around me.

"I've never heard you complain before, Miss Everdeen," he says as I let him begin placing soft wet kisses down my neck.

I don't tell him to stop.

* * *

The next day the sun is shining bright in the sky as the whole town makes its way down to the simple white church for Rye's daughter's christening. As the white washed walls and strong metal cross on top come into view my mind drifts back to a different day and a different type of celebration. A day were I wore my mother's simple white wedding dress and a pair of sparkling sapphire blue eyes were waiting for me at the end of the aisle.

I compare that day with what I am already planning with Cato. There will be no church this time. It will probably be on a beach somewhere in the South Pacific and I'll be wearing a dress that costs half my dad's annual salary. How did I fall in love with two men that are so completely different?

But I shake my head of these thoughts. I haven't thought about these things in years. I can only assume it is seeing Peeta again that has brought all these memories blazing back.

Peeta is standing at the front of the church in an old white shirt and navy tie. He smiles broadly as he hands out the order of service and laughs jovially with the guests. It doesn't matter if it is little ninety year old Mrs Hawthorne or six year old Jason Andrews, he gets a smile and a laugh out of everyone. He gives me a small wave when I approach and I return it with a smile. As Cato and I walk past Leevy makes her way towards Peeta and they share a bright smile as she gently touches his elbow and begins helping him hand out the bits of paper. My heart twinges slightly at the sight.

Cato squeezes my hand a bit tighter when he sees Peeta but loosens his hold when I turn to give a look to say "don't be jealous". He looks a bit guilty for still being jealous but he does manage to give Peeta a forced smile as we make our way past.

I get a few dirty looks and angry whispers as we walk through and I regret that the town found out my dislike for it yesterday. They are all happy with their life and I can't begrudge them that just because I don't agree with it. I will have some apologies to make today before I leave. But for now I don't want to dwell on the events of yesterday. Today is about Rye, his wife and his children. The town may want to talk about what happened at the carnival but I am determined to enjoy this day for them.

Most of the Mellarks are milling about the grassy verge in front of the church. Their golden hair shines in the sun and their smiles are wide enough to reach to the moon. Rye's wife, Violet, holds their four month old daughter in her ridiculous long and frilly christening gown. Both she and Rye smile fondly down at the baby while their elder daughter looks a little put out by the fact she has to wear a dress. Carolyn bends over to convince her that the dress stays on, at least for the ceremony, but Daisy is clearly irritated by it and runs off to make the dress as muddy as possible.

Rye smiles brightly at my family as we approach. I am aware of Bran's frown, but one look from his mother is enough to stop him saying anything.

Rye pulls me into a big hug and squishes me to his chest.

"I'm so glad you made it. It felt like someone was missing when we christened Daisy," he says.

I shake my head at him as I pull away and Cato sticks out his hand to offer his congratulations.

"Nice to properly meet you. You and Peeta gave us quite a show yesterday afternoon," Rye says taking Cato's hand.

Cato looks down embarrassed and rubs his hand along the back of his neck.

"I'm sorry about that. I didn't endear myself to you all yesterday. I didn't mean to insult you all by saying Katniss hated this town," Cato replies.

"Didn't offend me in the slightest. Best entertainment I've 'ad in a long time. It's always good to see an appearance of incensed Peeta. It's good to have reminders that my little brother isn't as perfect as we all think. Though the rest of the town does seem pretty pissed. Be prepared for some passive aggression today," Rye says.

Cato and I both nod our heads and I begin mentally preparing my apologies before I turn to look at the little girl who is getting baptised in a few short moments.

The outfit she wears is ridiculous. Full of lace and gauze that almost reach down to the floor. The bonnet is too big for her head and keeps slipping down into her eyes causing her to squeal. Violet has to keep straightening it and cooing to her daughter to get her to calm down.

"I always knew your fashion sense was bad, Rye but there should be a law against making your daughter wear that," I say.

Carolyn, who has finally convinced Daisy to wrangle Daisy in, straightens up with a smile.

"I'll have y'all know that this is a Mellark family heirloom. All the boys got christened in this gown," she says.

I stifle a laugh as Rye turns to his mom with wide eyes.

"And I thought, Mother, that we made a deal to burn those photos and never speak of it again," Rye says.

Carolyn just smiles secretively back at him before her attention is pulled away by another guest. I laugh again as I see Rye's mortified look. I can't believe I didn't know about this when I was younger. I would definitely have used it as ammunition against all three Mellark boys.

"You breathe a word of this to anyone, Everdeen, and I tell Haymitch Abernathy that it was you that set his geese loose," he says pointing a finger at me.

"You wouldn't dare," I say narrowing my eyes at him.

"Don't underestimate the lengths I will go to protect that secret," he says.

I raise my eyebrows at him and he grins. I sigh and shake my head realising that even after nine years and two kids Rye Mellark has not changed one bit.

Cato has been standing slightly awkwardly during my conversation with Rye. He's not familiar with this type of family teasing and isn't quite sure where he fits in with it all. I turn to him with a reassuring smile and he gives me one back before Daisy bumps into his legs as she tries to run away from Carolyn. Cato scowls a little as he looks down at the five year old girl but Daisy just dashes off with only the briefest apology.

Soon the minister is coming out to usher everyone in and Rye and his family leave mine to take their places inside the church. I turn to smile at Cato as we follow my parents inside. I notice a contemplative look on his face as we go in.

"You were really close with the Mellarks. You treat Rye like an older brother," he says.

I shrug my shoulders.

"I spent a lot of time at theirs growing up even before Peeta and I started dating. They were like my extended family," I reply.

Cato bobs his head in understanding.

"It's strange seeing all these different sides of you," he says as take our seats.

I turn to him with a frown wanting to question him more about that statement but am unable to as the minister is asking for silence.

The christening itself is embedded in with the usual Sunday morning church service so there are the traditional hymns and sermons and I can sense Cato getting bored beside me. But the rest of the audience listens with rapt attention and I have to stop myself from yawning too obviously throughout.

Thankfully the end of the usual service comes and the christening element commences. Rye and Violet carefully bring their daughter to the font of water with beaming smiles. Rye gets a laugh out of everyone as he pretends to drop Molly into the font. Violet rolls her eyes at her husband as the godmother and godfather follow behind.

My chest tightens when I see Peeta get up off his seat as he takes his place beside his brother as godfather. I wasn't expecting to see him up there. He leans forward to gives his niece a fond smile and keeps his eyes on her the entire time the minister is talking and drawing the water cross on her head. Once the water is placed on the head Rye turns to hand Peeta his daughter so Peeta can make his promises as her godfather.

My heart tightens further as I watch Peeta gently cradle the baby in his arms. I find it difficult to breathe as I see the little girl stare up at her uncle in fascination as he pulls silly faces at her. The sight of seeing Peeta smiling adoringly down at a child is forcing me to remember things I promised myself never to think of.

Peeta has always been so good with children. He was sneaking the toddlers cookies when we were back in high school. He is always going to love his own child greatly and will be a fantastic dad. Seeing him hold Molly only reinforces this fact in my mind. Being good with children just comes so naturally to him.

It reminds me he was denied that chance when I lost the baby. Images start to flood through my head of what he would have been like if our baby survived. These images are full of laughter, smiles and him rolling about the carpet.

I start to breathe heavily and sweat begins to gather on my forehead as I try and force these images out of my head. I forbid myself to ever think about the baby if it had lived. It is just too hard. But I am powerless to stop them as I carry on watching Peeta holding his niece with a look full of love. Our baby would have been the most loved baby if it had survived.

Cato senses my discomfort and turns to me with a confused frown. I just shake my head as I drag my eyes away from Peeta holding Molly.

"I'm fine. Just hot," I say fanning my face.

Cato doesn't look convinced but I let out a sigh of relief when I hear the minister announcing the christening complete and I see Peeta hand the baby back to his brother. I didn't expect the sight of Peeta with a child to affect me so much.

I am left a little shaken after the service and try to avoid looking at Peeta at all costs, as he coos at his niece. It's made even worse when Leevy joins him, placing a hand on his shoulder and bending down so they can both pull faces at Molly. Every small glimpse I get of him with Molly makes my stomach tie into knots and I count down the minutes before it is acceptable enough for me to leave.

I distract myself by trying to make amends with the townspeople of Panem. Many turn their backs to me as I go up to apologise and I overhear many whispers of how I shouldn't have come. But both Cato and I preserver and apologise for any insult his words may have caused them. I reassure them that being back has made me realise that there are still good things in Panem. It is slow going and some are still wary but everyone feels better about the situation after. It makes me realise that I didn't hate everything here and that maybe my determination to forget all about it had a lot more to do with something else.

After half an hour I have apologised to much of the town and am ready to leave but we are prevented when Carolyn intercepts us. She gives me a warm smile and hug holding my arms slightly even after she's pulled away.

"Thank you so much for coming. It really means a lot to the whole family," she says.

I give her a weak smile as my eyes briefly flit over to Peeta where he stands with Molly, waving her hands in the air to make her dance along with the soft music playing. There's another tug on my heart before I turn away to try and focus on Carolyn.

After Peeta spoke to me yesterday I feel guilty about not spending more time with her this week. She was a second mother to me as I grew up and was even the person who taught me to ride a horse. Her calm demeanour often made it easier to go to her with my problems than my own mom. But I am not sure what our relationship can be now.

"I hope my presence hasn't ruined the day for anyone," I say my eyes flicking over to a scowling Bran.

Carolyn follows my gaze and smiles sadly when she spots Bran. She lets out a sad sigh.

"He's just being a protective big brother. I can't blame him for that but we all need to move on," she says.

Her eyes then turn to Cato and she gives him a friendly grin.

"It is nice to meet you properly, Cato. I'm Carolyn Mellark, grandmother today and one of the people tasked with making sure Katniss didn't get into too much trouble when she was a little grasshopper," she says.

She offers her hand out for Cato to shake and he accepts it readily.

"Nice to meet you too. I hoped to make a better first impression. I'm sorry for the way I behaved yesterday," he replies and Carolyn smiles kindly at him. "I haven't been to a christening before. It was a lovely ceremony."

Carolyn beams proudly as her eyes sweep to look over at Bran's kids playing with their cousin Daisy.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's my fifth christening now as grandmother. Not sure how many more I'll get. Peeta is certainly in no hurry to give me any more," she says.

My heart clenches again and Cato tenses at the sound of Peeta's name. I just want to forget him and any kids he might have.

Carolyn doesn't sense our discomfort over her comment and just gives us both a coy grin.

"Though it won't be long now before you're having kids of your own," she says.

I let out an awkward laugh finding it strange to be discussing this with her. For so long we all thought my children would be her grandchildren too. And she doesn't even know about the baby I lost.

Cato laughs too and stands up straighter.

"Oh that won't be happening in the next five years. There is still too much to see and do before that," he replies.

I am shocked by his words. He wants to wait five years? I had thought we would be having our first child in a couple years' time. Carolyn raises her eyebrows in surprise. Most people have their first child within the first year of marriage in this town. It is strange for her to hear people wanting to wait. And I am equally shocked too. I thought Cato and I were heading toward children soon after the wedding. The shock is apparent on my face when I look at him.

"You want to wait that long?" I ask.

Cato frowns as he turns to look at me.

"Well, yeah. I want to enjoy marriage before we have a kid and we won't be able to go travelling like we do now once we have one. There is so much I want to see before we settle down," he replies.

I shake my head at him confused. Yes, I love to travel and I realise that our travelling habits will have to change once we have children but we have travelled so much the last four years. I thought this marriage was us agreeing to slow things and settle down.

"I just didn't realise you wanted to wait that long. I don't really want to be too old before we start having them. I want to enjoy my time with my kids and don't want to be forty by the time we have our last one," I say.

Cato visibly recoils at my last statement. His eyebrows furrow even further as he looks at me confused.

"Kids? As in more than one? Why would you want more than that? We are both only children and were perfectly happy growing up," he says.

Carolyn stands awkwardly to the side of us watching the whole uncomfortable situation. She looks mortified at having brought up the discussion and seems unsure what to do.

I am just amazed. How did I not know this about Cato? He wants one child. I didn't realise our plans are so different. We have always been on the same page before.

"Yes, I'm an only child but there was a reason I spent so much time at the Mellarks growing up. Bran and Rye were like my surrogate brothers and I loved all the teasing and camaraderie that came with that. I want that for my family," I reply.

Cato stares like he has seen me in a new light. He shakes his head confused.

"I didn't realise that's what you wanted," he says.

"I didn't realise you didn't want that," I reply.

We stand stuck staring at each other trying to digest this new information. This is a pretty big thing to disagree on. We should have talked about this before. I know I am not going to change my mind and I'm not sure Cato is willing to either.

Carolyn looks between us with a regretful look.

"Well, I better go and check on the refreshments. People in this town get real angsty if the beer runs out," she says trying to remove herself from the situation.

She stops and pauses before turning to walk away. She gives us one last sympathetic look before speaking again.

"I'll leave you two to talk. I think you have a lot to sort out," she says.

She smiles sadly at us both before rushing off to the refreshment table to top up the drinks.

Cato and I are still frozen in shock wondering how we have come so far without discovering these facts about each other.

* * *

We make our excuses soon after. Rye makes a noise of protest at our leaving but my brain is too full of thoughts about what Cato has said to even feel guilty.

Neither of us speak on the way home and Cato follows me silently up to my old bedroom once we have stepped into my parents' house. He closes the door gently behind him as I turn round to face him with a million questions running through my head.

"We need to talk," I say. "About all that stuff you said at the christening."

Cato's face looks pained. He knows this is going to be a difficult conversation.

"Explain to me. How exactly do you see our life together going forward because it turns out it is very different from what I had in mind," I say.

Cato lets out a weary sigh as he runs a hand through his short hair and sits down on the bed. He turns to look at me with a stressed look.

"We wait at least five years. We have _one_ kid. We'll hire a nanny and once he's old enough we'll send him to boarding school so we can still have the life we are accustomed to. It's what my parents did with me and it worked," he says.

My heart drops to the bottom of my chest. I take a deep breath as I fist my hand in the front of my shirt.

"I don't want that. Why bother having a child at all if you are just going to pawn it off for someone else to look after?" I say.

"I don't want a child to burden me. You love travelling and adventure as much as I do. We can't do that with a kid," he stresses.

I shake my head at him. How can he see children as a burden? They are a gift. Something to love and treasure for the rest of your life.

"But having children is an adventure. Yes, we might not be able to trek through Nepal but it doesn't mean we can't go on adventures with them. They will just be a little smaller. Trips to Disney Land and scouring beaches for coloured sea glass," I reply passionately.

"I don't want children to become the centre of my life. I still want to enjoy life and not worry about taking them to soccer practises and drama club," he says.

The sinking feeling in my chest gets worse. He is staring at me intensely trying to get me to see sense and agree with him. But I can't. I realised nine years ago how precious a child's life is. I won't have my child grow up spending more time with the nanny than me.

I shake my head at Cato as I try to keep my emotions in check. I prepare myself to tell him my last secret. The only thing that might make him see my point of view.

"I had a miscarriage," I admit. "When I was nineteen."

This shocks Cato and he moves back away from me. I smile at him sadly as I get ready to explain why I want to raise my child a different way.

"I was only a few weeks gone and totally in the wrong place to raise a child but it made me realise how precious a child's life is. I didn't know what to do when I found out. It was only after I lost it that I realised how much I loved it and how much I wanted it. I promised myself that the next time I fell pregnant I would be in a much better place and I would love that baby so much treating it like the most precious thing in the world."

"I want to be an active participant in my child's life. I want to be there for every milestone, school concert and sports match. I want to create a loving family unit where we argue who gets to eat the last pancake on a Sunday morning. My children will always come first," I say.

Cato grows solemn as he listens to my words. He's realised how strongly I feel about this.

"How did we not know this already?" Cato asks sighing in defeat.

I shrug my shoulders.

"We never asked," I reply.

Cato bobs his head in agreement before turning to look at me again.

"I won't change my mind on this. I don't want more than one and I don't want my world to revolve around my child," he says.

"You might change your mind once you have a child. I don't think you can understand the bonds of parental love," I say.

Cato shakes his head fiercely.

"No. I'm too much like my father in that way. I'm never going to be the dad that is running about chasing his kid and building blanket forts with them," he says. "Will you change your mind?"

He looks up at me with still some hope left. He is desperate for me to change my mind.

But I can't.

"No," I reply.

Disappointment floods his face before he smiles weakly and nods like he already knew my answer. My heart clenches as I watch him turn away and look down solemnly.

"We have a problem," I admit almost choking on the words.

I can't believe things are coming to this. He's been my life for the last four years. I've seen the world with him. I love him. But it's not enough.

Cato raises his head to look at me sadly. The threat of tears shimmering in his eyes.

"We can't get married," he states.

I suck in a shuddering breath as I look at him straight in the eye.

"No," I reply.

* * *

 **A/N: A lot of emotions flowing in this chapter and it marks the end of this part of the story. Everlark fans will be eager to know that there is a lot more K &P from here on out. But don't expect things to happen quickly.**

 **Some people may be surprised that Cato and Katniss have never talked about kids already but there is a specific reason for it. This will be explained more in the next chapter.**

 **Thanks again to my beta, LavenderVanilla. She's a great help tidying this all up and making is presentable.**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: a know a few people are worried that Katniss is just going to run straight to Peeta now her relationship with Cato is over. I want to assure people that she will not be seeking Peeta out. They will begin reconnecting but it will not be with the intention of getting back together.**

 **Thanks to my Beta, LavendarVanilla, who stopsme repeating myself and getting too bogged down with Katniss's inner monologue. Enjoy!**

* * *

 _Chapter 9_

Last night proved to be one of the most difficult nights of my life. There were no tears. We had just crawled into my bed together and wrapped our arms around each other for the last time. Nothing was said as we barely fell asleep, too scared about what had to happen when the sun came up.

We are still silent as we approach the local bus stop. Our footsteps slow as we draw nearer, neither of us wanting to reach the destination. As soon as Cato gets on that bus our relationship is over.

We both come to a stop as we reach the bus shelter. I blink away the threat of a tear and turn round to look at him. Cato gives me a sad smile as he stuffs his hands in the pockets of his slacks.

"The bus should be here in five minutes," I tell him.

Cato bobs his head up and down.

"Well at least that means we can't drag this goodbye out," he says.

I bow my head and nod sadly in agreement. I was supposed to leave with him today and go back to the safety of New York. But I can't now. Not yet.

Cato is going back to New York today to start sorting things out at our apartment. I'll need to find a new place to live and he has said he will start separating our things as soon as he gets back. I'll follow him a week later, pick up my essentials and crash at my friend's apartment until I can find something more permanent.

Silence falls between us again. Anxiety over him leaving fills my chest before Cato finally clears his throat to say something.

"I wish things were different. I wish I wanted the same things as you. You are the only girl I have ever loved," he states simply.

I give him a sad smile. I wish that too. But I have experienced too much to know that wishes don't always come true.

"You've been my best friend. I hadn't had a friend like you since I left here," I reply.

Cato smiles at me again before pausing briefly and pulling me in for a hug. I let out a loud sigh as I instantly wrap my arms around him and bury my head into his chest. We both squeeze each other tight as I inhale his musky scent for one last time.

Eventually we are forced to break away by the sound of the rattling bus coming down the street. We reluctantly part as we turn to face the approaching bus. I can't deny the inevitable any longer.

Out of the corner of my eye I catch Peeta coming out of the bakery to load something into his truck. He spots both Cato and I standing by the bus stop and frowns when he sees our solemn faces. For some reason his appearance makes my heart ache even more. I am transported back to the last time I had to leave the man I love. It is ironic that both times occurred at this bus stop.

Cato catches me staring at Peeta and his face drops even further. He sighs as if he is accepting some realisation. I turn back round to look at him and he gives me another sad smile.

"I'm sorry it's ending like this. I really thought you were it for me," he says.

He then turns to look across the road at Peeta, who is still staring at us confused. Cato only looks at him for a moment before turning back round to face me.

"You should talk to Peeta once I'm gone. You don't even realise how much you stare at him," he says.

His words jolt me out of my funk. What would I have to talk about with Peeta? What the hell is Cato trying to imply? Cato sees my confused look and just smiles and shakes his head.

"You'll figure it out," he says as the rickety old bus comes to a stop.

Cato bends down to lift up his bag before straightening up and leaning forward to place a gentle kiss on my forehead.

"I hope you find some happiness," he says as he pulls away.

I give him a forced smile before the bus door opens and the bus driver asks if we are hopping on. I look down at the large diamond ring on my left hand and twirl the band round my finger for a few moments, taking one last look at it before stopping and tugging it off my finger. I present it to Cato and he looks at it pained.

"Thank you for exploring the world with me," I say as I give the ring back to him.

Cato gives me a weak smile as he reluctantly accepts the ring off me. We share one last lingering look before Cato turns and jumps up the steps.

I watch him as he makes his way along the bus and finds a seat near the window. He smiles and gives me a small wave as the bus stays idle for a moment before eventually the doors close and it pulls off into the street. I watch the bus trundle away until it turns a corner and goes out of sight.

Slowly I turn back around and prepare myself for a slow walk back to my parents' house. But I see Peeta still standing watching me confused from across the street. I stop when I see him and we stare at each other for a moment before Peeta decides to make the shortjog across the street.

I should move. Cato's words about Peeta still ring in my head and I really don't want to have to confront them but I find my feet glued to the spot.

Peeta comes to a stop in front of me with a look of concern across his face. His eyes scan my face for an explanation. He shakes his head as if trying to figure out what he has just seen.

"Is everything okay? I thought y'all were supposed to go back to New York today," he says.

I let out an awkward laugh as I avert my eyes to avoid his penetrating stare.

"There's been a slight change of plans. We broke up. I'm staying an extra week so Cato can get things sorted in New York," I say.

There is surprise in his eyes when I divulge this but it soon turns to sympathy as he looks genuinely sorry over this piece of news.

"Oh, Katniss, I'm sorry," he replies.

"Thanks. It turns out we had very different visions of our future," I say.

Peeta smiles at me sadly and doesn't push me to explain further.

"It's always hard when you want different things," he replies.

His eyes are locked on to mine and I know he is talking from previous experience. He was hurt because I didn't want to stay and start a family in Panem. Our marriage fell apart because he didn't want to come with me to see the world.

I sigh and shrug my shoulders.

"It's okay. Sometimes things don't work out how you think they would," I say.

Peeta smiles and nods his head.

"Yeah. I can relate to that," he says.

We share a small smile as we both think about how neither of our lives are how we imagined at sixteen. Real life always throws up unexpected diversions and reroutes.

"Do you want to come into the bakery? I have some cheese buns that might cheer you up," Peeta says.

I laugh before looking at the ground and shaking my head.

"No. Thank you. I just need to be by myself for a little while," I say.

Peeta nods his head in understanding as he shoves his hands in his jean pockets.

"Okay. But find someone that you can talk to. No one should hurt alone," he says.

"I'll keep that in mind," I reply.

A short silence falls between us as neither of us know how to end the conversation. Eventually I turn to him with a thankful smile before I turn to leave.

"I'll maybe see you around," I say.

Peeta nods his head in agreement as I turn around to start the walk back to my parents' house.

* * *

The house is empty when I get in. My parents are unaware of our break-up, thinking I've decided to stay an extra week while Cato goes back to New York. I just need some time to process it all myself before I tell them.

I trudge up to my old bedroom and sigh as I close the door behind me. All the emotions I have been trying to keep at bay in an effort to stay strong suddenly come rushing to the fore and I let out a choked sob. I rub a hand across my chest as the pain in my heart begins to radiate and I collapse on the bed. As I turn my head to try and hide my tears I see one of my scrap books on the night stand. It is the most recent one from our trip to Italy.

I let out a shuddering breath as I reach out a hand to grab it. The book falls open to a page of a photo of me and Cato sharing an ice-cream together. On the other side is the flower I pressed from that perfect afternoon we spent in the park in Rome. We had been so content then. We thought we had our whole lives together. Who would have thought that less than two months later we would be broken up?

The tears begin to stream down my face as I flick through page after page of memory with him. He took me to all the places I wanted to see. He helped me achieve my dream of exploring the world. I have already had to go through the pain of losing my best friend once before. How am I supposed to do it again?

I pull the scrap book closer to my chest and clutch it close to me as I let the sobs overtake me and allow myself to grieve for the man who took me on so many adventures.

* * *

My tears dry and I am left contemplating what I am going to do with my life now. My whole path has been changed overnight and I am at a loss of what to do next.

I am broken out of my funk by a gentle knocking on the door. I turn to look at the small alarm clock beside me and am shocked to see three hours have passed since I came back here and collapsed onto the bed.

I sniff loudly as I pull myself up into a sitting position and roughly wipe away the tear tracks on my cheeks. I stop by the mirror on my way out to survey my appearance. It is obvious I have been crying. My eyes are red rimmed and my cheeks all blotchy. My hair is a bunch of fly aways as it threatens to fall out of my braid. I sigh at the sight but can't summon the energy to fix my appearance further.

Slowly I trudge down the staircase and open the door. I am pleasantly surprised to find Carolyn standing on the other side holding a small box. She gives me a sad sympathetic smile and the sight of it is almost enough to make me burst into tears again. Once upon a time this woman was a second mother to me and I suddenly realise that in the absence of my mom her comforting arms and soothing words are exactly what I need right now.

"Hi…" I say but my voice wobbles at the end.

Carolyn sighs sadly and immediately pulls me in for a warm hug. My arms automatically wrap around her and I let her rub soothing circles on my back.

I don't know how long we stand there but I savour the feeling of comfort she brings to me. She still smells the same. Of bread, flour and rosemary. It brings me back to a time when I was a child and the only things that could upset me was being refused an extra serving of dessert. Real life is so much more complicated than that.

Eventually we pull away and Carolyn tucks a strand of hair behind my ear before lifting up the box for me to see.

"I brought you some cheese buns. I thought you might need some comfort food," she says.

I let out a watery laugh as I accept the box off her and turn to lead her into the living room. We sit on two faded chairs and I place the buns on the small coffee table.

"Your son already offered me some this morning," I say as I tuck my feet up underneath me.

Carolyn smiles at me.

"I think he made extra this morning because of you. He told me that Cato has left," she says.

I nod my head as I stare at the box in front of me. Of course Peeta would find a way to feed me my favourite food. He knows that I can't talk to him about this but he sent the one person in this town who won't pity me for what happened this morning.

"Peeta didn't tell me what happened but after the conversation I witnessed yesterday I think I can figure it out. I'm so sorry, Katniss, for bringing the topic up. I didn't realise it was a sensitive issue between y'all," Carolyn says.

I give her a weak smile as I shake my head. It is not Carolyn's fault that Cato and I broke up. How could she have known our opinions of children and family life differed so much?

"I didn't realise it was one either. I guess it's a good thing it was brought up now, before we got married or god forbid I fell pregnant. Things would have only been a hundred times more painful then," I reply.

I look down at my hands and pick at my nails. I've already married one man that didn't want the same things as me. I couldn't have done it again.

"You never talked about it?" Carolyn asks.

I sigh and shake my head before bringing my head back up to look at her.

"I realised this morning that I didn't want to find out. As soon as Peeta and I started dating I knew exactly how my life was going to play out. Married by the time we were twenty-one. Parents by the time we were twenty-five. Live in Panem forever and forever. Everyone had certain expectations of us and I hated that my life had been planned out for me. I liked not knowing where things were going with Cato and not being constrained by other people's expectations. I guess I was scared of finding out the truth. That the second man I fell in love with would turn out like the first and want very different things from me," I admit.

Carolyn smiles at my sympathetically and reaches across to give my hand a comforting squeeze.

"You did a very brave things last night. Not many couples can admit that they want different things and accept that means having to part ways," she says.

I smile at her gratefully. It is a relief to hear someone praise me for my decision. It reaffirms that I have made the right one.

The sound of the door opening breaks our small moment and my mom comes bustling in with lots of shopping bags. She turns to see Carolyn and I sitting closely together in the living room and I can tell the sight of it surprises her a little. But then she catches sight of my red eyes and knows there is something bigger happening. She puts the shopping bags down carefully and takes a few tentative steps towards me.

"Katniss, honey, what's wrong?" Mom asks.

"Cato and I broke up, Mom," I say.

Sadness fills my mother's eyes and she immediately rushes forward to wrap me in a hug. For once she doesn't say anything and I let her hold me. Carolyn gives me another sympathetic smile as I look over my mom's shoulder and I am glad that after everything that has happened these two women are still here for when I need them.

* * *

Later I phone Madge and Gale to arrange a dinner invitation tonight. I need a distraction after this morning.

The Hawthornes gladly receive my self-imposed invitation and I accept my mom's offer to take round one of her pecan pies for dessert.

Mom fusses over me as I leave, fixing my hair and making sure it doesn't look like I have been crying as I try to get out of the door. I smile at her in thanks for her efforts to comfort me. It's nice to know she will be here when I get back this evening.

I set off as the sun is low in the sky and the fresh air does wonders to my mood after being cooped up all day. I jump into my dad's car and roll all the windows down so I can feel the wind in my hair as I make my way to the Hawthrones' farm.

Madge opens the door to me with a sympathetic smile and pulls me in for a hug before I even get a chance to say hello.

"I know you won't want to talk about it but I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I thought things were going to work out between you two" she says.

I smile at her as we pull away. Gale, who has been hovering in the background, picks Noah off the ground and carries him over to his wife. He smiles at me sadly as he wraps a hand around Madge's waist and her hand goes to rub the small swell of her stomach. Noah rests his head against his father's shoulder as he sucks his thumb and I get a stab of pain in my chest. It is a little hard to see them all looking like the perfect family after what happened with Cato. It's what I wanted with him in a couple of years. For the first time since I got back I am a little jealous of them and the life they have created.

But I shake those thoughts out of my head. I didn't come here to dwell on my failed relationship. I came to get a distraction from it and I know these two will not pity me for my broken relationship.

"Thank you. But I didn't come here to talk about Cato. I'm happy to just hear all about you," I say.

Madge smiles at me warmly.

"Of course we can. We can talk about the fact Gale has just taken up knitting," Madge says turning to her husband with a cheeky smile.

I turn to Gale, one eyebrow raised in surprise, as he turns to Madge with a scowl.

"I thought we'd agreed to keep that a secret otherwise I am going to tell everyone what you really like to do with the shower head," he replies.

Madge blushes and playfully swats Gale on the shoulder.

"We have guests, Gale!" she exclaims.

Gale just shrugs his shoulders with a small smile playing on his lips. I let out a small chuckle as both of them stare at each other challengingly.

"Your secrets are safe with me, guys," I say with a smile. "But, Gale, what in the world made you start knitting?"

Gale turns to me and gives me a small shrug of the shoulder.

"Mom was always getting me to hold the yarn for her whenever I went round. One day I thought I'd give it a try," he replies.

I shake my head in disbelief. This is exactly what I need tonight. To be able to laugh at and with my friends and remember that just because I lost Cato doesn't mean that I am alone in the world.

I follow them both into their house and Madge busies herself in the kitchen as Gale and I entertain Noah in the living room. We play with his toy farm animals until Gale decides it is time for his bed and allows me to read his son a story.

I come back down the stairs a bit solemn. Snuggling close to Noah has made me realise how much I want a child in my life. I thought Cato and I were only a couple of years away from that. I still love travelling but I am getting to the point in my life where I want to slow down a bit. I still want to visit places but I am happier now to have smaller adventures. But I might never get the chance.

Madge is serving up dinner when I get back down and my stomach grumbles loudly as it smells her chicken pot pie. Gale laughs at the sound as he takes a seat at the head of the table.

"I've never seen a girl who eats so much food. I can't believe you are not the size of a cow!" he laughs.

I thump him as I walk past to take my seat next to him. Gale lets out a small noise of discomfort as he rubs the place where I hit but he still gives me a cheeky grin.

"Compared to what you eat, I'm tiny," I say as I lay my napkin across my knee.

Madge shakes her head at us both as she takes Gale's plate to start spooning food onto it.

"It's disgusting watching you both eat," she says.

Gale and I turn to each other with a grin. Our love of food is one of the many things we have in common.

"You guys have to come to New York so I can take you out for dinner. There is this Spanish place that I would literally cut off my right arm to eat the tapas there," I say.

"Only if you're paying," Gale replies with a cheeky wink.

I shake my head at him

"You're such a cheapskate," I say.

Gale's grin broadens and then there is a knock at the door. Madge puts down the plate she is serving before wiping her hand on her apron and going to answer it. A few seconds later Peeta comes walking into the room carrying some sort of work tool.

My eyes widen in surprised when I see him. He's wearing ripped jeans and a sleeveless plaid shirt that shows of the definition in his arms. I hadn't expected to see him here tonight and suddenly Cato's words about talking to him flood into my head. He seems surprised to see me too and I blush and duck my head when he catches me staring at him.

He coughs slightly before turning to face Gale.

"Here's that power drill you were wanting, Gale. I thought I'd drop it back on my way home," he says.

I hear the scrape of a chair as Gale gets up hastily to accept the tool off Peeta. He and Madge give each other a nervous look, both unsure how Peeta and I will react being in the same room. We have been frustratingly inconsistent since I have arrived back.

"Thanks, man. Ours cut out on us and I need it to fix some panelling in the barn," Gale says.

An awkward silence falls around the room as no one really knows what to say now. It makes me sad that things have come to this. There was a time when the four of us were inseparable. The room was always filled with laughter and happiness as we teased and joked with each other.

I pull my head back up to look at Peeta and he flashes me a small smile.

"Hi, Katniss," he says

An unexpected surge of warmth rushes through my body and there is a skip in my heartbeat.

"Hi," I reply. I pause for a short moment. "Why don't you join us for dinner? Madge has made plenty."

Peeta raises his eyebrow in surprise. Both Madge and Gale look at each other in shock. A dinner invitation is the last thing any of them expected from me. But I don't want things to be awkward between us anymore. We were all friends once. We can try to be friends again.

Peeta looks at me carefully trying to figure out if I am being genuine. He searches my face for many moments and I give him a small reassuring smile. This relaxes him and he turns to Madge asking for her permission. She just shrugs her shoulder and pulls out another plate.

"I've got enough food to feed the five hundred. But you better be quick if you're going to get any before Katniss and Gale inhale it all," she says.

Both Gale and I scowl at each her and Peeta stuffs his hands in his pocket with a smile. Madge offers him a drink, which he accepts, before she goes back into the kitchen and Peeta comes over to take a seat next to me.

"Thanks for inviting me," he says.

I smile back at him.

"You're welcome. There's even some of my mom's pecan pie for dessert," I reply.

Peeta smile widens.

"Now I'm real glad that I agreed to stay," he says.

We share a warm smile before Madge comes back through with Peeta's drink and we all tuck into her delicious dinner.

* * *

"Oh my God! I can't believe I forgot about that! What compelled you to dress up as the Backstreet Boys and perform at the school talent show?" I say as I clutch my sides with laughter.

We sit round the messy dining table, plates scraped clean and crumbs littering the floor. The last two hours have been filled with laughter and gentle teasing as we all reminisce about our days in high school. There are so many fond memories I have pushed to the side and forgotten about all together. It feels good to remember them now and completely forget all that happened with Cato today. This is part of my life he never touched.

Currently we are reminiscing about the school talent show the year Gale was a senior. He along with Darius, Peeta and Thom put on a rather tragic performance of a Backstreet Boys medley.

"Don't look at me," Peeta says putting his hands up. "I was just the young and impressionable sophomore that got dragged into it by my supposedly older and cooler friends."

We all laugh as Gale huffs in the corner. He puts his arms across his chest defensively as we continue to tease him.

"The best part was when you tried to do the splits,Gale, and your pants ripped! Why weren't you wearing underwear?" I ask.

Gale blushes as we all recall how he flashed almost the entire town. Madge laughs and shakes her head at her husband.

"You gave Greasy Sae a real view. She still squeezes your ass and gives you a wink every time we go into the diner. She certainly appreciated the performance," Madge says with a cheeky grin.

Gale sighs and shakes his head.

"Okay. Y'all make fun of me. But I'm not the only one who has done embarrassing things. Remember Madge when you tried to dye your hair and it turned green? Or the time Peeta bruised his balls from going bare back riding? And don't even get me started on the time Catnip got drunk and almost ended up in Mr and Mrs Mellark's room instead of Peeta's" Gale exclaims.

We all blush as Gale reminds us of some of our most embarrassing incidents. The one thing about having friends like these is that you know that all the teasing comes from a place of love.

"Yeah, we all know it is not worth having embarrassing moments if you don't have friends to remind you about them later," Peeta says with a smile as he leans back in his chair.

I turn to give him a smile and he grins back at me in return.

I have been surprised just how easy things have fallen back between us tonight. There has been no awkwardness as we relived good past memories. For the first time since I came back I haven't had to second guess his actions or worry about what Cato might think. I've been able to relax around him tonight and enjoy a pleasant evening.

A comfortable silence falls around the table and we nurse our full bellies and bask in the fond memories of our youth.

Gale eventually clears his throat and pushes his chair back to stand up.

"I suppose I better get the washing up started. Got to be up early on the farm tomorrow," he says as he scratches his belly.

I immediately push my chair back too as I start to gather in all the dirty plates.

"I'll do it," I say. "You guys provided the meal. It seems only fair I do the washing up."

Peeta also pushes back his chair and begins helping me stack the plates and cutlery.

"I'll help. I didn't even provide a dessert," he says.

I turn to him with a grateful smile as Gale takes a seat again and pulls Madge close to him. She smiles at him sleepily as she rests a head against his shoulder and he begins running his fingers through the strands of her blonde hair.

"Thanks. I think I'm too full to move anyway," Madge says as she tries to stifle a yawn.

Peeta and I smile back at her as we finish gathering the plates and take them through to the kitchen.

We get to work silently as we both slot into the long forgotten roles of me being the washer while Peeta dries. I am struck by a strong sense of déjà vu. How many nights did we stand side by side just like this?

We don't say anything to each other as we quietly stick to our respective tasks. I peek a look at Peeta out of the corner of my eye and see him concentrating on drying the plate in his hand. I study his face for a few moments noting the changes in him. There are a couple of lines around his eyes now and a few more bits of stubble on his chin but he is still incredibly youthful looking. His eyelashes are still long and pale and I am still amazed that they don't tangle together when he blinks.

He turns to place the dry plate back in the cupboard and I see the muscles in his back move as he twists round. A strange fluttering appears in my stomach and I blush and look back down at the glass I am cleaning, embarrassed that I stood staring at him.

There is a moment more of silence before Peeta clears his throat to speak.

"It's nice hearing you talk about your travels. You actually did it. Got out and saw the world. It sounds like it has been one big adventure since you left here," he says.

I turn to look at him and give him a small smile. I talked a little at the start of the evening about some of my travels. Gale and Madge had seemed fascinated by all the exotic places I had been but Peeta had stayed oddly quiet. He never understood my fascination of exploring the world.

"Yeah. It has been a lot of fun. I've seen some amazing places," I reply.

Peeta smiles knowingly at me as he takes the glass off me and begins drying.

"You're definitely a proactive person. You needed to get out and see it all. I'm happy enough just seeing it in a book," he says.

"But you can't marvel at the sheer scale and design of Machu Picchu or appreciate the vibrancy of the Great Barrier Reef in a book. There is something special at seeing these places up close. You feel part of something and you feel linked to every other person that has made the journey to see the same things as you," I reply passionately.

A smile spreads across Peeta's face and he looks at me fondly.

"Well when you put it like that, it makes me almost want to go. You've become a lot more eloquent since you left. I didn't know you could make a mini speech like that," he says.

I grin back at him as I get another dish to wash.

"It couldn't get any worse than that American literature talk in senior year. I'll never get over puking over Mr Stenson's shoes," I reply.

Peeta chuckles lightly as he puts another glass away. I smile too. We fought so much just before I left, I forgot just how easy it is to talk to him when we put our bitterness aside and don't have to worry about Cato's feelings.

"What about you? What have you been up to the last few years? And don't tell me you spend all your time in the bakery," I ask.

Peeta chuckles again as he continues to dry plates.

"I do spend a lot of time in the bakery," he says.

I turn to him with a raised eyebrow and he laughs again.

"But apart from that I still ride. I babysit my nieces and nephews. Drink with Darius at the weekends. Just the usual small town stuff," he says.

I nod my head and am a little disappointed that he has told me nothing that I couldn't have guessed myself. I don't want to believe that is all he wants to do with his life.

"Oh and I paint now. Even managed to sell some in the city a few months back," he says.

This surprises me and I turn back round to look at him. He always used to love doodling in school textbooks and our house was littered with small scraps of paper with his drawings on them but he never pursued it as a serious hobby.

"Really? How did you get into that?" I ask curious to find out more.

"Madge gave me some paints one Christmas. I got pretty addicted. At one point you could barely move in my house due to all the canvases," he says.

I smile at the thought. When Peeta finds something he is passionate about he goes all in. I can clearly imagine him bent over an easel, paint streaked across his face and his eyes narrowed in concentration.

"You always loved doodling. I got told off at school because my textbooks had been covered in your drawings," I say.

Peeta chuckles again.

"It's just another creative outlet. While you need to be always seeking out adventure I need something that allows all my creative thinking to come out," he says.

I nod my head in understanding.

"What do you paint?" I ask.

Peeta shrugs his shoulders.

"Anything really. Any image that captures my imagination. It can be a person, a random object left lying on the table or the way a flower blows in the breeze. I'm still working on a rainbow. They come and go so quickly that I can never quite capture it," he says.

I stand listening to him in amazement **.** It doesn't surprise me that he is a painter now. He can paint pictures just as beautifully with his words.

Peeta looks off in the distance as if pondering the exact colours to use in a rainbow before he shakes his head and looks back at me. I smile back and a moment of peace falls between us.

I feel a prickle of heat trickle up my neck and my heart seems to thump louder. I don't understand these reactions that are occurring in my body but I know I will be sad to say goodbye to Peeta when we leave tonight.

Eventually I cough and turn back to the sink. We still have a couple of dishes to wash and I am sure Peeta will want to get home soon so he can get some sleep before he has to get up early for the bakery tomorrow.

"I'd like to see them. Would you let me?" I ask.

I'm a little nervous as the words leave my mouth **.** Paintings can be very personal and he may not want to share them with me. But curiosity gets the best of me **.** I like to think I know Peeta well enough to know his paintings will be remarkable.

He stands looking at me for a moment before a smile spreads across his face.

"Sure. You can come by one evening. I might even cook you dinner," he says with a smile.

My stomach rumbles at the thought. It still remembers how well Peeta used to feed me.

"As long as I'm not intruding," I say.

Peeta smiles sweetly back at me again.

"No matter what I have said in the past you're never an intrusion in my life. I'd like to think we could be friends again," he says.

My heart does a skip again at the sincerity of his words.

"I'd like to be friends again too. I look forward to seeing your paintings," I say.

Peeta's grin widens and I smile back again before turning and washing the final plate. Neither of us say anything as we finish the last of the dishes.

After the dishes are done we say a small goodbye to Gale and Madge and I agree to meet up with them later in the week. Peeta and I walk down the steps in silence as we go up to our cars. We linger at the front of the house as I am unsure of how to say goodbye to him. Peeta stuffs his hands in his pockets and scuffs a rock with the toe of his boot. He seems to be at just as a loss as well.

"It was fun tonight. Reminded me the good things in Panem," I say.

Peeta pulls his head back up to look at me.

"Yeah. I forgot just how much fun the four of us can have," he says.

I nod my head in agreement. A silence falls between us again. I don't know what has made me so reluctant to get into my car. Peeta smiles at me again and takes a step towards me. I freeze, unsure about what he is going to do. But he just places a warm hand on my forearm and looks in my eyes.

"I really do want to be friends with you again, Katniss," he says softly.

The heat from where his hand is touching my skin burns through me and he holds my gaze just long enough for my heartbeat to pick up. But just as quickly as he touched me, he is gone, pulling away and walking towards his truck. I am left standing at the front of the house as I watch him wave to me as he drives off.

Slowly I seem to come to my senses and get into my dad's car. The last half hour has thrown me completely. I haven't felt like this in almost ten years. An as I drive off I realise I haven't thought about Cato once since Peeta arrived tonight.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Thanks to everyone that continues to support this story. I know a lot of you are excited for more Everlark now. I hope you enjoy their reconnection.**

 **I massive thank you to my Beta, LavendarVanilla, who really helped me sort out the start of this chapter. She writes Everlark too so if you have time check her stories out.**

* * *

 _Chapter 10_

The kitchen is filled with sweet smells as Mom and I tinker about in it. I'm really trying to make an effort with her and asked her to show me how to cook some of my favourite dishes. She's helping me put a recipe book together for when I go back to New York. It's a nice little distraction from the dull ache in my heart. However a message on my cell phone forces me back to reality.

 _Johanna said she'll pick up some of your stuff so you have something when you get back._

It's from Cato and my heart sinks at the formality of the text. We've hardly spoken in the two days since he has left and I hate the stiffness in our messages. Now memories threaten to invade my mind again. A thousand Kodak moments when I was in awe of what we were seeing and experiencing. I mourn the friend I lost.

Mom watches me carefully as she sees me sigh while I type out my reply. As soon as she is finished stirring the stew she comes up to me and wipes a bit of flour off my nose.

"Finish up for now. I've got the rest. You need to get out and clear your head. Distraction is only going to work for so long," she says.

I give her a weak smile and nod my head.

"I could do with a ride. My brain is too full of thoughts," I reply.

Mom nods her head in agreement. She and Dad have been fantastic at knowing when to give me space and when to force me to talk about it. I can't imagine going through this alone in New York. I reach up to give Mom a kiss on the cheek before untying my apron and heading out into the hot summer air.

I head towards the Donners' farm and immediately relax when I see Sampson and he gobbles a sugar cube out of my hand. It doesn't take long for me to saddle him up and gallop off, leaving the stables behind me.

There is just something about the feeling of a horse cantering underneath me. I love the feeling of the warm air rushing past me as the trees and bushes blur into one. It's freeing and empowering and everything else just seems to just disappear when it is just me and Sampson riding along the well-worn trails. I would ride every minute of my stay here if I thought it was possible.

I don't have a destination in mind. I roam the acres of Panem countryside and rediscover some lost joys such as the meadow filled with ever wild flower imaginable and the tumbling waterfall with the rope swing. I empty my head and just let my heart take me wherever it feels like. I suppose with this philosophy I was bound to end up at the water tower. It was the place Peeta and I were always drawn to. My heart was bound to remember its way back here.

Because Cato isn't the only man I have thought about these two days. I think of Peeta too.

The dinner we shared at the Hawthrones' has warmed my heart and given me hope that we can leave each other on good terms. I've started to remember the good points of our friendship. He has a way to make me smile and laugh and see the beauty in things.

And I also feel the prickle of heat Peeta left on my skin whenever I catch myself thinking about his smile. The glimpses I have had of him in town have always caused butterflies to tumble about in my stomach. This scares me because all I want to be is his friend again and I just can't figure out if it means anything more.

It is hard enough having to accept my relationship with Cato is over without having to analyse these new, yet familiar, feelings that seem to appear when Peeta is near. I don't want to spoil the tentative friendship we seemed to have formed.

But I can't escape the fact my heart has taken me back here again. I sit atop of Sampson with the reins gripped tightly in my hand as I look up at the old and rusty water source. It is amazing it is still standing really. It was creaking and groaning back when we were in high school. I am sure it is breaking at least a dozen health and safety rules.

I should just turn back and go. I went riding to forget and it has led me to a place full of memories.

But as I continue to look up at it a strong sense of longing to climb up those rickety ladders overcomes me. My fingers itch out to grasp hold of the warm metal once again. It does have the best view in the whole of Panem.

Deciding to stop second guessing myself, I swing my leg round and jump off Sampson. He exhales gently as I take his reigns and lead him so I can tether him to one of the legs of the water tower. I stroke his neck once I have tied him securely and look up once again at the tower. I smile at the prospect at what awaits for me at the top.

I leave Sampson silently grazing on the grass and take a step towards the ladder. I study it for a moment before reaching out a hand to clasp the first rung. An early memory resurfaces as I can clearly hear Peeta's reservations about climbing the thing for the first time.

We were only eight and it was considered only safe enough for the bravest of high schoolers to dare to climb but I always hated being told what to do and was determined that I was brave enough to climb the rusty thing. Peeta had been a lot more reluctant and had voiced many concerns about us falling off and getting hurt. I had only told him to stop being a baby and dared him to climb the whole thing. He hated to look bad in front of me so took a deep breath as he unsteadily began climbing the rungs. We both made it to the top safely and the view of Panem was enough to make even Peeta forget all his fears. It became our place from that moment. It was the place we would go to whisper all our secrets and try to make sense of the world.

I smile at the memory as I begin to climb. This is a safe place for me. Maybe it can help me sort out my problems now.

I climb the ladder quickly and I am only a little out of breath as my hand grasps onto the edge of the platform to haul myself up onto the ledge. I stand slowly as I turn to face the view of the town I spent all my childhood growing up in.

I forgot just how good Panem looks from this vantage point. The wide expanse of land that goes for miles until it reaches pine forests in the south. The rich farms that are full of life and colour. The sparkling tops of the roofs as the sun bounces off them. A lone tractor chugging along on the horizon. It looks even more spectacular when the sun sets. I suddenly wonder if Peeta has ever come up here with his paintbrush to capture the image. I know it is one I could look at forever.

I take a seat on the platform and hang my legs over the edge. I grip the edge of the platform as I lean forward slightly and fully take in the view in front of me. For a moment that is all I think about.

But I soon break my gaze from the acres of farmland to turn and look up at the old water container. As I do so my eyes catch sight of a pair of initials scratched into the warm metal; K+P surrounded by a love heart. My fingers reach out to trace the letters as I smile sadly at the sight.

Peeta had insisted that he carved them into the metal even though I thought it was very corny. But he was adamant that we leave some permanent reminder to mark this most momentous day.

That day, October 3rd 2004, was the day I agreed to marry him. Up on the water tower he had presented me with a simple ring, told me he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. There was no fanfare. No over the top gestures. No big long speech about how our love would be eternal. Just a simple question that I couldn't say no to. Even if it was for all the wrong reasons.

I sniff back a tear as I remember the look of pure joy on his face when I said yes. I had giggled as he pushed me back against the tower to kiss me. I honestly thought marrying him would make everything else alright.

I turn back round to face the horizon and realise just how much I have achieved since I was that naïve young girl. I used to spend hours up here, looking out on the horizon and dreaming about all the places that lay beyond it. And now I have actually seen them. Experienced and challenged myself to do things that seemed so unlikely back then.

I got out and lived my life. Built a life in New York that is always busy and keeping me on my toes. A life that never lets me get bored. That young girl I was would be so happy to know that. She'd be happy to know I have achieved all the things I have set myself so far. I just don't think she would have been happy to know it happened all without Peeta.

* * *

I arrive back at the stables in the late afternoon and having spent the rest of the day up at the water tower contemplating all the changes in my life since I last went there. I don't regret leaving and am proud of everything I have achieved as a result but I am a little mournful over the relationships I strained as a result. My parents. Madge and Gale. The Mellarks. These are all people I have cared about and I have neglected them badly these last few years. They have been too nice to me since I got back and I will need to do a lot to make it up to them.

My mission to go riding to forget has failed miserably and I sigh heavily as I get off Sampson. I am unsure if I feel better or worse after my trip down memory lane.

And it seems God is intent on making me remember today because Rye Mellark is standing in the entrance of the stables as he tries to wrestle a riding helmet onto his five year old daughter's head.

"Damn it, Daisy! You can't go riding without a helmet on!" he exclaims.

"But, Daddy! Cowgirls don't wear helmets!" the little blonde girl exclaims.

Rye huffs in exasperation as his daughter stomps her foot and shakes her head stubbornly. I smile as I walk Sampson into the stable and begin to unsaddle him. Rye turns to look at me as I walk past and narrows his eyes at me.

"I'm glad that you find my pain amusing," he says.

I let out a light laugh as I turn to look at him and hang up Sampson's saddle.

"It's amusing to see someone even more stubborn than you," I reply with a grin.

Rye grins back at me again as Daisy abandons the helmet and rushes off to look at the horses.

"I'd like to see you do any better," Rye challenges me.

I raise my eyebrows in slight surprise but readily accept his challenge. I hate to be beaten by Rye at anything. I unbridle Sampson and give him a pat on the neck before making my way over to Rye.

"Challenge accepted," I say with a confident look in my eyes.

"Be my guest," Rye replies sticking his hand to offer up his daughter.

My eyes immediately find the little blonde girl with scrapes on her knees and tangles in her hair as she tries to clamber on top of a bucket to reach the horses. I smile at her determination and courage as she stands a little unsteadily on top of the bucket and reaches out to pat the horse on the head. The delight in her eyes reminds me of how I felt when I was a child. I was giddy with excitement the first time I was taken out riding and I can tell Daisy is as eager to learn as well.

I take a deep breath before I make my way over to her and gently tap her on the shoulder. She turns to me with big curious blue eyes and scrunches her small eyebrows up in confusion when she sees me.

"Hello. I'm Katniss. I'm an old friend of your dad's. He tells me you want to start riding," I say.

The girl continues to look at me curiously. She can't have met many strangers in Panem.

"You're the lady that had a fight with Uncle Peeta at the carnival," she finally says.

My heart stops at the mention of his name. I am a little ashamed that she remembers me from that. It was not a good moment.

"Your Uncle Peeta was being a little silly but we've made up now," I say.

Daisy shrugs her shoulders before she turns back round to pet the horse.

"Uncle Peeta is silly. He says that elves live the woods to make sure all the flowers grow but I have never ever seen a single one!" she replies.

I smile at the thought of Peeta making up stories for his nieces and nephews. I bet he lets his imagination run wild whenever he spends time with them.

"Yeah. He's not very clever but he does make good cakes," I say.

Daisy turns her head back around and nods her head enthusiastically.

"His cakes are the yummiest! My favourite is the strawberry shortcake!" she exclaims.

I laugh at her enthusiasm and think of how I can use this little bonding moment to work to my advantage. I crouch down so I am eye level with her and look at her with a warm smile.

"I may not be able to make cakes like your Uncle Peeta but I know really cool stories about cowgirls," I say.

Daisy's eyes widen in excitement and she leans in closer to me.

"I love cowgirls! I'm going to be the bestest cowgirl in the world when I grow up!" she replies.

"Are you?" I say. "Well you better know the story of Cowgirl Jesse. She was the biggest and baddest cowgirl in all of Alabama and she had this special riding helmet that would keep her safe from all the baddies. It had special powers you see and it made sure that no bow and arrow or pistol would ever hit her. It even made her better at lassoing the baddies together."

Daisy's eyes widen in awe before they flick over to the discarded riding helmet lying on the stable floor. Rye is watching us carefully as Daisy bites her bottom lip and contemplates what I have just said.

"I thought cowgirls didn't wear helmets," Daisy says.

"Only the coolest ones do. In fact the one time Jesse didn't wear her helmet she got shot in the arm and almost got captured by the baddies. She never forgot to wear it again," I say.

Daisy looks back towards the riding helmet. She's clearly in a dilemma about whether to wear the helmet or not.

She stares at the helmet for a long time before slowly hopping down off the bucket and walking towards it. She picks up the helmet and inspects it carefully before finally raising her hands and carefully putting it on her head. She turns back round to me with questioning eyes.

"Do you think if I wear this helmet I will be as good as Jesse?" she asks.

I smile broadly at her as I walk towards her and kneel in from of her. I gently gather the loose straps that hang down from the helmet and carefully secure them round her chin.

"Absolutely. You will be unstoppable wearing this hat," I say.

Daisy grins at me excitedly as she bounces up and down on the balls of her feet. Her eyes turn towards Rye and she rushes towards him with sheer delight.

"Look, Daddy! I am going to be the coolest cowgirl in the whole of Panem!" she exclaims as she runs into his arms.

Rye grimaces a little as he bends down to pick her up and rubs a hand against the small of his back as he straightens up. He shoots me a disbelieving look as Daisy jabbers on about how magic her helmet makes her and I give him a smug triumphant smile in return. I knew all it would take was some gentle persuasion to get Daisy to do what I want.

Rye shakes his head at me as Daisy carries on detailing all the things she is going to do now she is a proper cowgirl. I bask in my triumph at still being able to outdo Rye Mellark.

Daisy is soon jumping out of Rye's arms and rushing over to the small Shetland ponies, eager to start riding for herself. I smile at the sight and offer to teach her myself so Rye can get a little break from his very demanding five year old daughter. Any annoyance he felt towards me for being able to get Daisy to do what he couldn't disappears. He eagerly accepts my offer so he can sit and watch on the side lines while I am the one left to convince Daisy she has to learn how to walk before she can canter.

Daisy turns out to be just like her father; impatient and stubborn. She squeals with delight when I first secure her to the seat of the saddle but soon gets frustrated when I lead her slowly around the fenced training area. She insists that she can go faster and that I don't need to hold the rein but I am not taking any risks. As Cato proved, riding is no easy task.

She does prove to be a far more natural rider than Cato and by the end of the session she is able to move with the natural rocking rhythm of the horse. She has a proud smile on her face as we manage to walk around the entire training area without having to stop or me having to prevent the horse from going in the wrong direction.

My own heart swells with pride as I see how excited she is to be finally riding a horse. I was the one that was able to make that smile appear on her face. It feels good to be imparting some of my knowledge onto a young mind.

She moans when Rye tells her we have to stop and she has to get off the horse. However the sight of Mrs Donner appearing in the stables with homemade lemonade brightens her mood and she rushes over to get some. Rye sighs as he watches her go and comes over to help me unsaddle the little pony. Maysilee Donner keeps Daisy occupied as Rye helps me lead the pony back into the stable and fetches it a bucket of fresh water.

"She may look like Violet but her personality is all you. She's extremely stubborn and determined," I say.

Rye turns to me with a grin.

"Sounds like someone I know," he replies looking at me knowingly.

I scowl and elbow him in the ribs. He makes a small noise of discomfort as he rubs the area I hit before getting some fresh hay for the pony. He can never resist a small dig at me.

We lock the stall door securely as we leave the small pony munching on its treat and walk over to join Daisy. Maysilee smiles at us in greeting as she hands us both a glass of lemonade and we steer Daisy out into the field.

Daisy finishes off her lemonade before she finds a really short bit of rope and starts swinging it around her head pretending to be a fierce cowgirl lassoing all the baddies. Rye and I settle down on the grass as we watch her contentedly and sip on the cool lemonade.

Daisy is completely in her own world as she fights imaginary baddies and thinks up elaborate adventures. I guess Rye is right in some ways. She does remind me of myself when I was her age. I was always trying to find the next adventure even at that young age.

We sit quietly for a moment as we watch Daisy before Rye turns to me with a thankful smile.

"Thanks for teaching Daisy today. I thought your famous scowl would scare her off but you did okay," Rye says.

I scowl at him again and he laughs. He leans back on his hands as he looks out onto his daughter.

"It's been nice having you back. I forgot just how easy it is to tease you," he says.

"You still have Peeta and Bran to tease," I point out.

Rye grins wider as he shakes his head.

"Nah. They don't always play along. Bran is too serious and Peeta too good natured. You, not so much. If I was ever bored I knew I could find you and annoy you easily," he replies.

I shake my head at him.

"I'm glad I kept you so easily amused," I say sarcastically.

Rye laughs before his face slowly falls more serious.

"Seriously. I've missed you the last few years. Peeta wasn't the only one upset that you left," he says.

My heart clenches with guilt. I didn't want anyone upset with me leaving but I was not naïve enough to know that it wouldn't cause some pain. I guess I have been selfish and always focused on my own pain and not the pain of those I left behind.

I smile back at him sadly and wonder if I will ever not feel guilty about leaving when I am here. There always seems to be someone disappointed by my departure.

As if I needed another reminder of the pain I caused, Daisy stops her running about and her gaze fixes on a person who has just approached the field. She drops the bit of rope she is holding and her eyes light up.

"Uncle Peeta!" she shouts. "I'm a real proper cowgirl now!"

My eyes immediately snap round to lock onto Peeta's strong form as he approaches us. He gives me a kind smile when I turn and see him. The smile warms me inside.

Peeta gives a small wave to his brother before Daisy bounds her way up to him, flings her arms around his legs and begins telling him all about her adventures today. He bends down to give her a big hug before he pulls back and takes her hand to bring her over to Rye and I.

"That sounds so cool, Daisy. I can't believe you learned how to ride! You really are a big girl now," Peeta exclaims.

Daisy's eyes beam with pride at his words and it is clear that she loves her uncle very much. A twist of pain and longing appears in my heart as I am reminded of what a great father Peeta would have been. But I shake my head of that thought. That is the last thing I need to think about today.

"Katniss taught me," Daisy says. "She even told me all about Cowgirl Jesse and how she is the biggest and baddest cowgirl in the world! I'm going to be even bigger and badder than Jesse!"

Peeta chuckles as he takes a seat next to us. He sits closely next to me, his body almost brushing up against mine and goose bumps rise on my skin even in the hot summer air.

"Well you're really lucky. Katniss is the best rider in the whole of Panem. She's the best teacher you could have asked for," Peeta says.

I blush a little at Peeta's compliment. Even after knowing him so long I still get embarrassed when he praises me.

Daisy turns to me with her eyes wide.

"Are you really? You didn't tell me that!" she says.

I smile back at her.

"Only because I don't think I will be the best rider for much longer. You were so good out there today," I reply.

Daisy beams with pride before she turns back to Peeta to continue chattering on about her day. Peeta takes it all in his stride as he listens carefully to his niece and asks all the right questions in all the right places. He loves listening to every minute.

Daisy soon runs out of words to say and is back running around the field. Rye looks between Peeta and I, noting how close we sit together, before giving us a coy smile and standing up to declare he is going to play with Daisy. He leaves us alone as he runs to his daughter and catches her round the middle to tickle her until she shrieks with delight. Peeta and I both watch on smiling **.**

Eventually Peeta turns to face me.

"Sounds like you've had quite a day. You must have some serious super powers to convince her to wear that helmet. I've witnessed the battles she has with Rye and Violet over similar things," he says.

I shrug my shoulders with a smug smile on my face.

"What can I say? I have a natural gift," I reply.

Peeta chuckles.

"I remember at school you always thought you would be a terrible mother. You got so upset when you failed the flour baby project," he says.

"I would have passed that project if you hadn't used my baby as ingredients for a batch of your cookies!" I exclaim.

"You should have known better than to leave a bag of flour lying around a bakery!" Peeta counters.

"Rye was supposed to be babysitting!" I reply.

"And there lay your biggest mistake. What on earth made you think Rye was a reliable person to babysit?" Peeta says.

I narrow my eyes at him and we stare at each other for a few moments before both our faces break into grins and we begin laughing together.

"Okay. I was stupid to leave the baby with Rye. Clearly I wasn't ready to look after a sack of flour back then," I say once we have stopped laughing.

Peeta grins.

"You seem to being doing something right now. My niece is not so easily impressed," he says.

I smile back at him before we both turn to look at Rye and Daisy chasing each other about the field. They seem to be playing some sort of tag game as Daisy ducks under her father's legs to tap him on the side and then rushes off squealing with excitement. Peeta and I watch them in a comfortable silence as I am glad that the butterflies in my stomach don't seem to be making an appearance today. It is just nice to sit and enjoy his company again.

Peeta's face grows thoughtful as we continue to watch Daisy and Rye. After a long moment he turns to me with a question in his eyes.

"Do you ever think about our baby? What he or she would have been like if they had been born?" he asks.

The question takes all the air out of my breath and makes me want to crawl up into a ball to stop the pain from spreading. I pull my knees up to my chest and put my arms around them. Peeta watches me carefully as I shake my head.

"No," I say. "I don't let myself. It's too hard otherwise."

Peeta nods his head solemnly before he turns back round to look at Daisy. He doesn't say anything for a moment and I think he has finished this awful conversation. But then he opens his mouth to speak again.

"I do," he says.

My heart sinks into my chest. He's not finished.

"For some reason I always imagined it was a girl. She would be eight now and I would be scared that she was growing up too fast. She would have had your dark hair but my blue eyes and she would always be singing and dancing about the place," he says.

He's lost in deep thought as he goes into another world. My heart is beating rapidly and even though I don't want to imagine this I find I cannot move. A small smile appears on Peeta's face as he thinks about our imaginary daughter and then looks back at me.

"She'd be like Daisy, begging us to teach her how to ride just like us but I would be really over protective and make her wear as much padding and protection as possible. You of course would just laugh at me and tease me for being over cautious. You would convince me that she couldn't be safer with you teaching her. I can imagine the smile on her face the first time we took her out. It would be so big and genuine and I would be so proud to see it," he adds.

Tears gather in the corners of my eyes as he describes it. I can see it so clearly. The dancing girl with parents who loved her so much. I can feel my heart falling apart as I picture this idyllic life Peeta has created.

I want to hate him for making me imagine such things but I realise this is probably the first time he has ever talked to anyone about the baby. His family have welcomed me back too warmly for me to suspect he has ever told them about my miscarriage and Gale and Madge didn't know he knew. The only possibility is Bran but I think Bran's words would have been even harsher if he had known the full truth.

At least I had Madge in the months after I miscarried to cry down the phone to when the memory became all too much. Peeta has kept this secret for nine years. I don't know how he managed it all by himself. I can't get mad for him finally trying to talk about it with someone.

I gather up all my courage to talk to him.

"I wanted the baby. I wasn't sure at first but once it was gone, I knew. I knew I had wanted it and loved it," I say. Peeta gives me a sad smile. "I knew you would have been so happy to find out. You would have been the most fantastic dad. I'm sorry for everything and failing to keep your child safe."

A tear drops down from the corner of my eye and I really hope that Peeta gets that someday. A chance to have a child with a woman who loves him and who he loves with his entire being. Because if anyone deserves it, it is him.

I turn away to look back out on Daisy and Rye playing. I hate seeing the sadness in Peeta's eyes. As I sniff back a tear I feel a hand ghost over the top of mine and grip my fingers tightly, reassuring me that he understands as well.


	11. Chapter 11

_Chapter 11_

I dream of the baby again. But not the usual blood filled nightmares I have come to expect. No, this time I dream the baby survived. A dancing girl in a red dress and two braids down her back. She laughs and giggles as Peeta swings her about the air. A blond toddler appears with floppy curls and steel grey eyes. I sit with him on my lap as he holds on tightly to a stuffed bunny rabbit. The smiles on all our faces are so wide and I feel content as I watch the easy nature of it all. I feel so happy in this dream that I don't want to wake up.

It turns out these dreams are just a different kind of torture.

I wake with a smile on my face but it slowly disappears as reality takes hold. A sinking sensation appears in my chest and I feel something that I can only akin to longing. Longing for the life Peeta had so beautifully painted yesterday afternoon.

This stay in Panem seems to be one emotionally draining experience after another. I will be glad to be back in New York and away from all the painful memories.

Mom and Dad are both out when I eventually drag myself out of bed. Mom has left me a plate of bacon and eggs on the kitchen table and I smile at the small gesture. She always has my wellbeing at the centre of her mind. It makes me feel bad that I have been so dismissive towards my parents since I have been back. They may live a different life to mine but they are happy. I've been horrible by judging this town and the life they lead. I need to be more accepting.

I am only in town for five more days and I need to show my parents I still love and appreciate them. It is long overdue and I realise that my desperation to escape this town and my memories has made me a bad daughter. I can't leave without making things right.

I eat the breakfast quickly before grabbing a pen and paper and begin writing a list of items I will need to make them a nice dinner for tonight. I may not be the world's best cook but I can rustle up a semi-reasonable pasta bolognaise when I put my mind to it. Mom always does the cooking and she deserves a chance to put her feet up and have a fuss made over her for a change.

I walk to the main street of the town with the plans for my parents' dinner running through my head. I am determined to end my stay here on a positive note. I hum to myself as I walk with a slight spring in my step and ponder what sides I will serve with the meal tonight.

I get mince from the butcher and laugh with the grocer as I buy the onions and tomatoes for the sauce. I even stop and enjoy the small chit chat with the residents of Panem who stop me to console me about Cato or ask me about my plans for when I am back in New York. These people have been nothing but nice to me but I have spent the whole time judging them. It's the least I can do.

The bakery is the last stop on my rounds. I need some good fresh bread to serve with the dish tonight and I know the Mellarks make the best within a one hundred mile radius. I stop and pause outside the large glass windows as I gather my courage to go in. It seems a lifetime ago that I last stepped inside here. It feels strange to be doing so again.

The smells of the bakery are still as welcoming as ever though. The familiar smell of flour, cinnamon and sugar tickle my nostrils, creating a warm feeling in my chest and making my stomach grumble. In many ways it smells like home.

I spy Peeta working behind the counter as he jovially jokes with Sae. The joke must be particularly funny as Sae doubles over and playfully swots Peeta on the shoulder. They part with big smiles and Peeta even gives Sae a cheeky wink that has her laughing all over again before she turns to leave.

Sae spots me as she leaves the shop and looks at me with a knowing smile.

"Your boy in there certainly knows how to make an old lady feel young again. He's too charming for his own good sometimes. Though I bet he'd much prefer to be flirting with someone a lot younger and prettier," she says.

She winks at me and I blush at her comment. Peeta can't think of me like that anymore. Can he?

Sae gives me the same knowing smile that she gave me when she first came out. I turn my eyes to the ground wanting to avoid further conversation. I'm not completely oblivious. I know the town has been gossiping about me since Cato has left. They all seem to think it leads back to my fight with him and Peeta at the carnival. They think Peeta is the reason that my engagement ended. I hate to think people are talking and analysing my relationship with Peeta now. I know this trip to the bakery will probably start a whole new wave of speculation.

Sae finally walks away and I build up enough courage to push open the bakery door to enter it. Peeta looks up when he hears me and a pleasant smile spreads across his face. The butterflies jump about in my stomach and it makes me forget all about what Sae might be saying about us both now. I don't want to be ashamed with trying to be his friend again.

The smile on my face is relaxed and genuine as I walk up to Peeta to select the bread.

"Well this is a nice surprise," he says as I approach.

I smile at him in return.

"I'm cooking for Mom and Dad tonight and need some bread to go with my pasta bolognaise," I reply.

Peeta widens his eyes in mock surprise.

"I'll put the fire brigade on red alert for tonight then. There is nothing more dangerous than Katniss Everdeen beside a stove," he says playfully.

I scowl as I reach across to swot him on the arm.

"Not funny. It was one time when I forgot I had left bread in the toaster!" I reply.

Peeta chuckles as he rubs the spot I hit.

"Rye's right. You're too easy to wind up," he replies.

I shake my head at him.

"We're twenty-eight now. Aren't we supposed to be more mature than that?" I say.

Peeta grins as he leans in closer to me. There is a cheeky glint in his eyes and our noses are only inches away. I stare back at him challengingly as I try not to get lost in the blueness of his eyes. I forgot there are flecks of green in his otherwise brilliant blue eyes.

"There are events that occur in our life that are so embarrassing that we have to keep reminding each other of them," he replies.

He holds my stare for a long moment and I can feel my heartbeat pick up. His smell of cinnamon and dill is so strong and warming that I am in danger of getting lost in the memories. It reminds me of the first few months in New York when I lost sleep because I missed the smell around me at night.

But I am not about to concede defeat in this little staring contest that we seem to have gotten ourselves into so I push away all the memories the smell brings up to concentrate on Peeta's face. He'll be too smug if I let him win.

Peeta blinks first and slowly pulls away handing victory to me. I stand up straighter in mini-triumph at being able to withstand his cheeky stare. Peeta is smiling at me though as he pulls back and I am glad that we can act like this again. It's how we used to be before everything went bad.

"So have you got any bread for me or not?" I ask.

Peeta's smile broadens and he points his head in the direction of the kitchen.

"I have the perfect thing just about to come out the oven. Why don't you come into the back to get it," he says.

I smile back at him warmly. Any apprehension I had about coming here has evaporated. We can get on normally and I find I don't want to go. I want to stay and joke with him and find out more about his paintings. I'm in no rush to be anywhere else.

I nod my head eagerly and Peeta gives me that smile again, the one that gives me butterflies, before he leads me back through to the kitchen. He shouts in to the teenager, who is sitting reading a magazine in the back, to go back out to the front to serve customers. I smile as we walk past and I realise that Peeta will not be rushing out to help customers anytime soon. I can have him to myself for a while.

As we walk through Peeta's face falls slightly and he turns to me with apologetic eyes.

"I didn't mean to upset you yesterday. It's just I've been thinking about the baby a lot since you got back and there is no one else I can really talk to about it," he says.

My good mood falls slightly. I look away and drop my eyes to the ground. It's still hard to think about the baby but I can see now that Peeta desperately needs someone to talk about it with.

I gather all my courage to look back up at him and see the nervousness in his eyes. He really didn't mean to upset me with his words yesterday.

"Don't be sorry. I've just refused to even contemplate what things would have been like. You painted such a beautiful picture and part of me wishes we got the chance to create it," I reply.

Peeta smiles at me sadly. I know that he wishes that too. But things didn't turn out that way and we have both had to live with the consequences since.

"I know we might not be as close as we were before but if you ever want to talk about it, I'm here. I'm sorry that you had to suffer in silence all these years," I say.

And I mean it. The only person who could possible understand what it felt like is standing beside me now. And of all the people who I could have shared that painful experience with, I'm glad it is Peeta.

Peeta smiles at me gratefully and reaches out to give my hand a gentle squeeze.

"Thank you," he says. "I'm glad we're getting to a place where we can be friends again."

I give his hand a squeeze back again. I'm glad too. Something has shifted since Cato left. I no longer feel that anxiousness around Peeta anymore. One smile from him is enough to relax me. I feel we are finally on the right track.

"Feed me some cakes and we'll be there again," I reply trying to lighten the mood slightly.

Peeta smiles and shakes his head. It is not until we reach the warm kitchen that he finally lets go of my hand. Then he immediately walks to the oven to open it and take out the beautifully round golden rolls of bread. The heat of the ovens hits me and causes a warm flush to appear on my cheeks. Peeta carefully puts the rolls on the cooling rack and I go over to him to inspect them. I inhale the warm smell of yeast and make a noise of approval. Peeta turns to me with a knowing smile.

"Serve with some olive oil and it'll be prefect," he says.

I raise my eyebrows at him.

"This town keeps surprising me. I would have never thought olive oil would be in this town's vocabulary. I think I need to apologise for thinking this town is so backward. I've not been fair," I reply.

Peeta gives me an appreciative smile before going over to grab a bowl of dough from the cupboard.

"I've actually been inspired by your trip to Brazil. I can't have you declaring your love for another cheesy type of bread. I'm working on making those pão de queijo you jabbered on about. It seems I have been missing out on some amazing things staying here," he says with a grin.

My stomach rumbles at the name of the bread. Pão de queijo are these incredibly popular cheesy dough balls native to Brazil. They are the only cheesy snack to beat the Mellarks cheese buns. I can't believe Peeta is trying to make them.

"Have you made any yet?" I ask hopefully.

Peeta grins as he shakes his head.

"I'm nearly done with the dough. Do you want to help me beat in the cheese?" he asks.

"You'd let me help? You banned me from our kitchen when I lived here," I reply.

"You're attempting bolognaise tonight. Your skills must have expanded from burning toast by now," he says.

I elbow him in the ribs again.

"Fine. I'll show you. Bring me the dough," I say rolling up my sleeves.

Peeta grins at me broadly before turning around and grabbing the cheese. He puts the dough mixture into a bowl and gets out a wooden spoon. He touches my elbow to gently move me in front of the bowl and hands me the spoon. Peeta stands behind me, his arms framing either side of my body as he stretches round me to grab a handful of cheese.

The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end as his arm gently brushes against mine. I take a small breath as his touch leaves tingles up my body.

I watch his hands as he sprinkles the cheese into the bowl. He looks down at me with a challenging eye. I turn to meet his stare.

"Unfortunately our mixer broke so you're going to have to do this by hand. I hope you've got strong arm muscles," he says.

"I do body pump back in New York. I've got this," I say.

I confidently dip the wooden spoon into the bowl and begin rapidly beating the cheese into the mixture.

However I rapidly underestimated how much effort it takes to beat the cheese in thoroughly. After only a couple of minutes my muscles begin to ache and my movements slow. I puff a strand of hair out of my face as I take a break and wipe the sweat off my forehead.

Peeta stays standing behind me with an amused look on his face. I'm embarrassed I have tired so easily but then I don't have the arms of a Greek god on me like he does.

He watches me toil for a few more moments before finally taking pity on me and gently placing his hands over mine.

"You'll need to go harder than that it we want this done before nightfall," he says as he grips my hand tighter.

I turn to him with a scowl but relish the feeling of his warm hand encasing mine. I always liked how rough they felt against my skin. All the burn scars mapping his hand. He's got new ones now and I wonder if there are any interesting stories behind them.

He keeps a tight hold onto my hand as we work together to beat the rest of the cheese in. I am barely concentrating as the dough becomes stretchy and sticky because all I can focus on is the feel of Peeta's hand over mine. It makes me feel safe and secure and my heartbeat begins to race. I don't want him to let go.

Eventually his hand movements slow as all the cheese is beaten in. My heart sinks at the thought of his hand leaving mine so soon. But as he stops he leaves his hand on top of mine. We both drop our eyes to where our hands are joined and I curl my fingers around his, holding him to me tighter. Neither of us say anything as my heart continues to beat rapidly in my chest. Slowly I twist my head round to face Peeta.

He is looking down at me intently. I can feel his heartbeat thudding against the back of my chest and I can't stop looking into his eyes.

"You can let go of my hand now," he says softly.

The butterflies are going into overdrive and I no longer care what they might mean. I drop my eyes to his lips and stick my tongue out to lick my own. It could be his smell. The sparks of electricity that his touch shoot through me or it could be the sight of his warm smile, but all I know is that I want to kiss him. And in this moment that thought doesn't scare me.

"I don't want to let go," I reply.

Peeta sucks in a sharp breath and I can tell he wasn't expecting that answer. Slowly are heads draw nearer together until we are only inches away. I close my eyes as I feel his warm breath hit my lips and he leans his forehead against mine.

I sigh as I feel him move closer and wonder if his kisses will still feel the same. Will they have the same ability to turn me into mush?

But then we hear a loud chattering approaching the kitchen. The screeching sound of the door scraping back brings us both to our senses and we spring back. The animated chatting stops as soon as they see us. Peeta and I break away to be met with the rather amused stares of our mothers.

They both continue to stare at us with rather knowing smiles. Peeta coughs as he moves to make space between us and I look down at my shoes embarrassed. Was I really about to kiss Peeta again? I thought that door had been closed a long time ago. Opening it up again can only cause us both more pain.

And I am mortified that our mothers caught us. This town doesn't need more gossip about us. Them interrupting us has just made me realised how stupid we both were. Nothing good can come from us kissing again.

Carolyn's eyes eventually leave our faces and she surveys the mess we have in front of us. Her grin grows wider when she sees it before she turns to look back at me.

"It's certainly a surprise to see you here, Katniss. Peeta wouldn't even let you near the toaster before," she says.

I let out an exaggerated sigh as I relax my shoulders and look up at Carolyn. I am glad she isn't commenting on what she just walked in on but I am a little tired of everyone joking about my cooking skills.

"Why do you all need to remind me about the _one time_ I had to phone the fire brigade because I burnt some toast? It may surprise you but I have picked up some cooking skills over the years," I reply.

Both Carolyn and Mom laugh while a smile appears on Peeta's face. Mom walks round the counter towards me and wraps an arm around my shoulder.

"My greatest failure as your momma has been failing to teach you to cook. I didn't even know you could burn vegetable soup!" Mom exclaims teasingly.

I sigh again as I see Peeta bite back a grin. It seems I am going to be the centre of all the teasing today.

Peeta wipes his hands on his apron as he turns to look at me and my mom.

"Katniss has insisted that her skills have improved. She's even planning on cooking you dinner tonight," he says.

Mom turns to look at me with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, it's a good thing I've got a frozen casserole in the freezer. We can always use that if things don't pan out the way you want it to," Mom says.

"You won't be needing it," I state confidently. "It's my mission to prove you all wrong tonight."

Everyone smiles at my steely determination.

"I wouldn't bet against Katniss when she puts her mind to something," Peeta says.

He gives me an encouraging smile and I smile back at him gratefully. The butterflies appear in my stomach again but I squish them down quickly. I don't want to go down that path again.

Mom gives my shoulders another gentle squeeze and smiles at me warmly.

"Thank you, sweetie. I'm sure it will be great. I can't wait for it," she says.

She is genuinely happy that I have offered to do this. She may tease me for my lack of cooking skills but her smile tells me it means a lot to her that I am willing to try. It feels good to make her happy.

Carolyn smiles at us both warmly before letting out a contented sigh and walking round to stand next to Peeta. They begin discussing the pão de queijo he is making. Mom drops her arm from around my shoulder and goes to pull something out of her purse.

"Since I caught you here, you can sign Hazelle's birthday card. It's a pity you're not going to be here for it next week but at least I don't have to sign for you this year," she says.

I smile back at her as I take the card. I know Mom wishes I stayed here permanently but I am not going to feel guilty about going back to New York. Being in Panem has reminded me how much this is no longer my home. It may not be as bad as I remember but I still couldn't live here. It's just not for me.

Mom scans the room looking for something.

"You don't have a pen, do you?" she asks.

I nod my head as I open the flowery card and place it down on the table.

"There's one in my bag," I say.

I point my head in the direction of my satchel bag that lies on one of the counters. Mom smiles at me again before going over to find the pen.

Peeta is still busy talking to his mom and now scooping small balls of the pão de queijo dough onto a baking tray. I continue to look at the card and read the message inside. Mom rummages about in my bag for a moment before she pulls out a set of papers and looks at them with a frown. Both Peeta and I freeze when we catch sight of her staring at them.

"What are these?" Mom asks clearly confused.

Carolyn stops what she is doing to look at my mom. Her eyebrows also knit into a frown as Mom holds up the papers. Peeta and I glance at each other with a panicked stare.

The divorce papers have been in that bag ever since Peeta gave them back to me a week ago **.** I didn't want to leave them lying around for Mom to find. I was just waiting to file them back in New York so we can be officially divorced.

Neither Peeta nor I know how to explain it. Everyone just assumed that we got the divorce years ago. And I didn't want to admit that Peeta had just returned the original papers back to me in a shredded mess. I don't want them to get the wrong idea of why it has taken so long for us to do it.

"These look like divorce papers but they're only dated from last week. You can't still be married," Mom says.

I struggle to find the words and look to Peeta for help. I can tell he is as anxious as I am about our moms finding out the truth. Carolyn turns to Peeta with a confused look.

"Peeta, is this true?" she asks.

Slowly Peeta nods his head.

"It's my fault. I was angry at Katniss for leaving so I tore up the first papers she sent me," he replies.

Carolyn just shakes her head in disbelief.

"But it's been nine years. What did you think you were going to achieve by doing that?" she asks him.

"I don't know, Mom. I was hurt and not thinking properly. But everything is fine now. Katniss will file the papers when she goes back and it'll all be over," he says.

It is my mom's turn to shake her head in disbelief. Both of them are struggling to get their heads around this information.

"But why didn't you try sending papers again sooner. You were engaged to another man while you were still married," she says.

"I just gave up trying after a while. At times I forgot I was even still married," I reply.

"If you really wanted the divorce you would have tried harder. Or is there another reason you have waited this long to get it?" Mom asks.

I don't want to be having this conversation. They are both trying to make something out of nothing.

"There is no hidden reason behind why we waited so long. I was stubborn at first and then we both had other priorities. As soon as Cato proposed Katniss came here to make the divorce official. It will all be made final by next week," Peeta says.

I smile at him gratefully and he gives me a small smile in return. Neither of our moms look entirely convinced. Carolyn looks at us both carefully.

"I'm surprised, of course, but if you say there is nothing more, then I believe you. Just don't drag it out any longer. You've both been through enough already," she says.

Both Peeta and I nod our heads in reply.

"It's the first thing I am going to do when I get back to New York," I say.

Carolyn nods her head in agreement. My mom still looks in shock. I don't think she can believe it. An awkward silence fills the room.

"Well, I need to get going. Katniss, are you coming with me?" Mom finally says.

I look at Peeta one last time. He gives me a sad smile. I think our moms are both still in shock, not fully understanding the situation.

"Thanks for the bread. I'll be back to try those pão de queijo tomorrow. Plus you still haven't shown me your paintings," I say trying to muster a smile.

Peeta grins and stuffs his hands in his pockets.

"I'll be sure to leave some aside for you and you're welcome any time to see my paintings," he replies.

My grin broadens and I pick up my bag ready to leave. Mom is still watching us carefully and shakes her head at our interaction like she can't figure us out anymore. I sigh as I sling my bag over my shoulder and pick up the loaf of bread Peeta gave me earlier. I turn to wave both Carolyn and Peeta a goodbye before following my mom out the bakery. Mom doesn't talk to me as we leave.

Mom is unnervingly quiet on our walk back to her house. She doesn't even stop to gossip on the way back. I can only imagine what she'll have to say about Peeta when we get back to the privacy of our own home.

She storms into the kitchen when we get back, completely ignoring Dad sitting in the living room as she dumps her shopping bags on the table. She turns to me with disbelief in her eyes.

"I can't believe you didn't tell us!" she exclaims.

Dad shoots me a quizzical look and I sigh as I get ready to defend myself again.

"Tell us what?" Dad asks.

He gets up off his chair to join us both in the kitchen. He puts a hand on Mom's back, sensing she is a bit tense, and begins rubbing circles there to soothe her. Mom turns to look up at him.

"Katniss and Peeta are still married. They never got a divorce," she states.

Dad raises his eyebrows in surprise but there is not the disbelief that both Mom and Carolyn had. He turns to me with a sympathetic look. My heart tightens when I see it. In many ways he is going to be harder to convince than Mom. He always had a soft spot for Peeta and was the most convinced that I travelled only to escape him.

"It's no big deal. He refused to sign the papers and I left it for a few years to allow him to calm down. That is all there is to it," I say.

Mom shakes her head again as she stands close to Dad.

"I just don't believe it, Katniss. If you wanted the marriage to be over you would have gotten the divorce years ago," Mom says.

She's getting really worked up about this. I never expected she would be this upset. Dad squeezes her waist and places a kiss on her head to calm her. It works a little bit and Mom takes a deep breath as she sinks back into him.

"People in town have been talking about you and Peeta and saying that he is the reason you and Cato broke up. I've been defending you, telling everyone that there is nothing between you two anymore. But after today, finding out you're still married and Carolyn and I walking in on you both looking very cosy together, I don't know what to believe anymore. Tell me truthfully, is there still something between you and him?" she asks.

I shake my head fiercely.

"I don't have feelings for him anymore," I reply.

But even as I am saying it, I know I don't sound convincing. I can't definitely say there are no feelings there. Not when I get butterflies every time I see him and nearly end up kissing him in the bakery. I know I shouldn't have them as it will only bring us both more pain. But maybe I always will. He was my first love and they say that is the one that never really leaves you.

Mom shakes her head unconvinced.

"We loved Peeta. And we know it was hard for you to leave him but please don't hurt him again. If there is a chance that you still feel something for him, at least be honest about it," Mom says.

Guilt grips my heart. I don't want to hurt him anymore. That's why I can't feel anything for him again. Because I can't stay here. He needs to find a nice girl who wants to stay here and give him the children he so desperately deserves. I need to get back to New York so we can both move on with our lives.

"Things ended long ago between us. I just want to get back to New York and forget everything," I say.

Mom smiles at me sadly.

"That's the thing, Katniss. I don't believe you want to forget," she replies.

* * *

 **A/N: I know some people will be disappointed that Katniss and Peeta got interrupted before they kissed but I swear it is better for them in the long run. We're drawing near the end now so you only have to be patient for a little while longer.**

 **Thanks again to my Beta, LavendarVanilla, who makes this much more readable. I hope everyone is still enjoying this and looking forward to what comes next.**


	12. Chapter 12

_Chapter 12_

Delly stands beside Thom with a weepy look in her eyes. Gale and Madge bite back smiles as Delly is her usual too generous self and giving me compliments I don't deserve.

"There is always this big empty space when we all get together for school reunions. It just doesn't seem right without you there. I mean you were our Prom Queen and valedictorian! There is a huge part of us missing!" she exclaims.

Tears begins to form in her eyes and she sniffs rather loudly. Thom rolls his eyes from beside her.

"Come on, Del, you promised you wouldn't cry," he says.

Delly sniffs loudly again as she wipes her nose with her arm.

"I'm sorry, Thom. It's just so sad. We don't know when we'll see Katniss again," she says.

I smile at her sadly as I reach out to give her arm a comforting squeeze. I'm leaving tomorrow and I'm not sure when I will be back. I've taken a lot of time off work recently and I don't think they'll be giving me any time off soon.

But there's one last thing I need to do before I leave. I'm sure it will never atone for the way I behaved during this trip but hosting one last barbeque in town might help me mend a few bridges in Panem.

I think every grill has been rolled out to feed the population of Panem and Mom has even got the local band to play some tunes to encourage people to come up and dance. It's very different from my life in New York but so far tonight I've already enjoyed laughing at Haymitch Abernathy treating us to a rather tragic rendition of an old country song and being swung energetically round the dance floor by Rye.

I've been surrounded by supportive friends like Delly wishing me good luck back in New York. It's been a bit exhausting but I've really tried to engage in conversation with them all and enjoy their company one last time before I leave. There are people here that care about me and I need to show them that I care about them too.

Thom sighs as he puts an arm around his wife and he turns to look at me.

"Katniss, please visit. I'll be stuck with this one whining about when you're coming back," he says.

I smile back at him as Delly rests her head against his shoulder. I don't know what I did to earn Delly's love and loyalty because I certainly don't deserve it. I have barely been a friend to her these last few years but she is still upset with my leaving. I guess that's what you get from living in a small town. There is a sense of family community that even the toughest trials can't break. I can't say the same thing about New York.

Madge smiles as she shakes her head at me. We are both well aware that Delly can get very emotional but that has always been part of her charm. Madge sighs as she turns back round to face Delly and offers her arm.

"Come on, Del. We better get some of Mrs Everdeen's pecan pie before it all goes," she says.

Delly sniffs loudly again as she nods her head.

"Yeah. I think dessert will cheer me up. Don't leave without saying goodbye, Katniss," she says turning to me.

I smile and nod as she pulls me in to a tight hug. I give her a little squeeze in return and she pulls back with a watery smile.

"Thanks for coming, Delly. I'll make sure to say goodbye later," I say.

She smiles at me again as she nods her head before Madge and Thom lead her away. The dessert distraction seems to be working for Delly and she brightens up as she leaves. I smile as I think about her unwavering support.

I watch them leave for a moment before I scan the crowd looking for Peeta. He hasn't shown up yet and I'm beginning to grow agitated as the hours until my departure continue to count down.

We've spent a lot of time together these last two days. We've shared lunch and gone riding in the evenings. I even had a chance to finally see his paintings. It seems he was being modest about his talent because he eventually admitted to winning second prize in a state wide contest for amateur painters. It's not hard to see why. They are as breath-taking as I thought they would be. They are full of colour and life. And the winning piece, the sunset view from the water tower, is a personal favourite. The arrays of oranges all perfectly wash together to create a striking piece. It reminds me of all the times we spent up there, happy and hopeful, as we forgot about the rest of the world.

We're friends again but there is a nagging thought at the back of my head as old and familiar feelings return. But I refuse to contemplate them.

I'm leaving in two days. I don't know when I will be able to get back. It's not fair on him to grow close again so soon after my relationship with Cato has ended. The very last thing I want to do is hurt him again.

I'm still looking for him when Gale's voice interrupts my thoughts.

"There was some sort of baking disaster at the bakery. He said he would make it later," Gale says.

I snap my head round to look at my cousin with a frown.

"Who are you talking about?" I ask trying to hide the fact I was caught looking for Peeta.

Gale just gives me a knowing smile as he stuffs his hands in his pockets.

"Come on, Catnip. You know who. You've been looking out for him since you got here," he says.

I turn away from him and cross my arms across my chest. I don't like that I am so easy to read.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I say.

I can picture the smile Gale has on his face after I say this. It's an obvious lie.

"You two are unbelievable. I don't know which of you is more oblivious," he says.

I huff and keep my back to him. I don't like all these people telling me how I feel about Peeta. It doesn't matter. I am leaving tomorrow. I continue to ignore Gale not wanting to talk about it.

There is silence for a long moment before Gale moves to stand beside me.

"He cooled things with Leevy. They haven't spoken since Cato left," Gale adds.

My skin prickles at the mention of her name. Our paths haven't crossed much since I've been here. I hope she hasn't purposefully been ignoring me. But until Gale mentioned her, I hadn't thought about her for days. Peeta's never mentioned her when we've hung out together. I haven't really stopped to think about what time with Peeta might mean for his relationship with her. Once again I have proven just how selfish I can be.

I try to ignore Gale's comment. It should make no difference to me. Out of the corner of my eye I see Gale shake his head at me.

"Fine. Continue to ignore whatever is happening between you two. Just be careful, Catnip. I know the last thing you want to do it hurt him again," Gale says.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Of course I don't want to hurt him. Can't people see that not talking about my feelings for him is my attempt to not hurt him? The sooner I get back to New York and get the divorce the sooner Peeta can forget all about me. Hopefully that will give Peeta enough time to move on and find happiness again

But as I avoid voicing my feelings, I finally see him. It's amazing how my whole body relaxes at the sight of his blue eyes and messy blond hair. He searches the crowd for a moment before he turns and spots me. The grins are instantaneous on our faces as we catch sight of each other and I can't stop myself from walking towards him. My heart flip flops as he keeps his eyes on me and we meet in the middle. The smiles are still on our faces as we stop in front of each other and Peeta holds out a Mellark's Bakery box in front of me.

"I thought I'd make you one last batch of cheese buns before you left. Though I'm certain none of them will make it with you to New York. You'll have scoffed them all by then," he says.

I smile as I take the box off him and then pull him in for a hug.

"Thank you," I say into his shoulder.

Peeta seems surprised at first as I wrap my arms around him but he soon relaxes and squeezes me in return. I can't describe how good it is to have his arms around me again. So strong and steady and safe. I can smell the cinnamon and dill on him and it takes me back to many happy memories we shared at the bakery.

But I try not to dwell on the feeling of being encased in his arms. It will do neither of us any good and I just want to enjoy this last night with him. As friends.

A cheeky smile slowly appears on his face as we pull back and separate.

"I can't believe you agreed to host this party. You hated all these big town events before," he says.

I smile and I shake my head at him.

"They're not too bad. I'm beginning to remember the good things about this town," I reply nudging him in the ribs.

"There is a lot of good here. And how could you leave without watching Haymitch get drunk one last time and seeing Rye trying to beat Mr Thread in an arm wrestle? You will miss all these things back in New York," he says.

I give him a small smile but don't tell him that the thing I'll miss the most is him.

"You should come out to New York. With your new found passion for painting you would love all the art there is to be found in the city," I say.

Peeta smiles as he shakes his head.

"New York would swallow me whole. Too many people and things going on. I like a simple life," he says.

I nod my head in understanding. I can't imagine him in New York. He'd be like a deer caught in the headlights. He'd get lost amongst it all. We both thrive in very different environments.

I don't get a chance to reply though as suddenly my dad appears at my shoulder with a very stressed look in his eyes.

"Katniss, you need to save me. Your mother is driving me crazy. I can't sip my beer in peace without her dragging me off to talk to someone else. This is your party. You should be the one mingling with the guests," he says.

Peeta and I both share a small smile at the slightly crazed look in my dad's eyes. He and my mom have a very different idea of what makes a good party.

"So you're going to drag me along with you? It's my party surely that means I to mingle at my own pace," I say.

Dad then flicks his eyes to Peeta, who is still standing smiling. A small smile appears on my father's face as he turns back to face me.

"Well if you don't want to leave Peeta, we should just drag him along with us. He always had the best small talk anyway," Dad says.

Peeta's eyes widen slightly and he begins to edge away.

"You know what, I might just go and check out the dessert bar," he says.

But I don't let him leave. I reach out to grasp him by the arm and tug him back towards us.

"No way. If I'm going to be the biggest social butterfly at this party you're not going to abandon me," I say playfully.

Peeta stops and looks down at me with a smile. His eyes sparkle in the evening sun and my heart flutters again. We are stuck staring at each other for a moment and I know he's not going to deny me. We were always a good team and used to always work together whenever our families forced us to mingle at social gatherings. It just makes sense to navigate the rest of the night together.

Peeta lets out an exaggerated sigh.

"I suppose I'm trapped now," he says.

I grin triumphantly back at him and he holds my stare for a moment before smiling back at me and looking up to face my dad.

"You owe me one, Heath," he says.

My dad nods his head but his eyes are locked on the place where my hand is still touching Peeta's arm. Slowly he looks up at me with a confused look. I gulp as I drop my hand from Peeta's arm like it's a hot coal and look at the ground. I think my dad is reading into my interactions with Peeta more than I would like.

Mom suddenly appears beside us and begins tugging on my dad's arm.

"Come on, Heath, Katniss. You need to talk to the Cartwrights," Mom says.

Dad continues to look at Peeta and me as Mom drags him away and Peeta turns to me with a smile. He holds out his hand for me to take.

"Together?" he asks.

I stare at his hand for a few moments as I try to piece together how this all might look from the outside. I don't want any more people gossiping but I also don't want to spend the night without Peeta. Slowly I place my hand in his and look at him with a smile.

"Together," I confirm.

Peeta grins before he tugs me along to help my dad deal with all the party guests.

The three of us end up making a pretty good team. Dad talks sports and hunting with the men, I enthral people with my travels abroad and Peeta, bless him, entertains all the big gossipers with his charm and self-deprecating humour. The whole thing is made so much more enjoyable by having both him and my dad beside me.

But Dad and I lose Peeta sometime between the Donners and the Crays. As the night draws to a close I try to scan the surrounding fields in sight of him, hoping he hasn't left without saying goodbye.

Dad lets out a heavy sigh as he comes to stand beside me.

"I'm exhausted!" he declares. "As much as a love you, you can stay a whole before you come back. I can't handle too many nights like this.

I turn to him with a smile. We are so similar in this way. But Dad's face falls slightly after a moment.

"But then again, I don't know if you're planning on coming back," he states.

My heart drops when I see the sadness in his eyes.

"Dad…" I begin not quite knowing what to say. "I am coming back. I know I have been a bad daughter these last few years and that I need to make more of an effort. My job is just probably not going to let me go anytime soon."

Dad gives me a relieved smile

"It would mean a lot to your mother. I know it has been a big effort for you to come back here. You have to face memories that you've tried to run from," he says.

"It has been hard. I'm still trying to process everything that has happened since I've been here," I say.

At first I only came back for one reason; to get a divorce from Peeta. I've got that now. But in the process I have realised that there are people I love here and I have to stop neglecting them. There are other reasons for me to come back now and I don't want to abandon them again.

Dad smiles back at me.

"Just remember that there are some things that you can never completely leave behind," he says.

He looks at me intently and I know he is not just talking about him and Mom. He's seen how I acted with Peeta tonight. He knows there is something more there than I am willing to admit.

He smiles at me sadly again before pulling me towards him and placing a kiss on my head.

"I love you, sweetheart. Don't try and forget everything about Panem," he says after he has placed the kiss.

I give him a weak smile as he pulls away. He smiles at me again before a stumbling Haymitch catches his attention and he darts over to stop the middle aged man falling into the barbeque grills.

Dad's words ring around my head and the air suddenly becomes claustrophobic. He's forced me to think about feelings I don't want to think about and I can't do that here, surrounded by all of Panem. I don't care if it's impolite to leave my own party without a goodbye, but I need to get away.

I dash away from the guests that still linger about and spot Darius's police bicycle resting against a barn. I quickly rush up to it and swing my legs over the saddle. There is only one place that will help me clear my head and it is a bit of a ride to get there.

I need to get to the water tower.

I cycle away quickly along the dark country roads as I try to escape Dad's warning words. I get more confused the longer this trip goes on.

I discard the bike at the bottom of the ladder of the water tower and swiftly make my way up to the top. I am desperate for some time to think. As my hands grasp the edge of the water tower to haul myself up onto the ledge I find that I am not the only one here. Peeta's bright blue eyes shine out in the darkness.

I suck in a small breath of surprise as I clamber on top and settle myself beside him. I didn't expect him to be here. I wasn't even sure if he had left the party. He smiles at me warmly though as I lean back to rest against the water tower. At this time of night all you can see is the stars stretching across the blackness that goes on for miles and miles.

I wrap my arms around myself as I suddenly become uncomfortable with the thought that I am intruding.

"Hi," I say. "I didn't realise you still came up here."

Peeta smiles back at me.

"I didn't realise you did either," he replies.

He takes a deep breath before turning back to look at the stars.

"It's still the best place to come and think in Panem," he says.

"What did you come up here to think about?" I ask.

I can't help myself. It seems more than a coincidence that we both ended up here **.**

Peeta smiles as he takes another deep breath before turning back to look at me.

"The same thing I always come here to think about. You," he says.

My heart stops at his words. Part of me knew that was going to be his answer. I think part of me was hoping that was going to be his answer. It's a relief to know that I am not the only one confused even if it is better for him to have no feelings for me at all.

"Every time I think I have sorted my feelings out for you something comes along to make me question them all over again. In the space of two weeks I have gone from hating you to being your friend and now being disappointed at your leaving," he says.

I look down at my toes that hang over the ledge. This is walking on dangerous territory. I still don't think talking about these confusing feelings is for the best. Because there is only ever going to be one outcome. I am going to leave tomorrow.

"I'm going to miss you," I admit.

There is no point in denying that. These last few days have been more enjoyable and I am not stupid enough to deny that it is all due to the man I have spent time with.

"I've liked getting to know you again these last few days. Seeing your paintings and going riding with you again. It's like how it used to be," I say.

Peeta smiles at me through the darkness. A bit of light in the otherwise black night.

"You were my best friend. I've missed that," he replies.

I smile back at him. I've never quite had a friend as good as him. Everything was so natural. Peeta is the only person I have ever bared my soul to. But we lost that when he put a ring on my finger.

A comfortable silence falls between us as we both turn to look back out at the stars. I don't know what else we can say to each other without going into things that will only bring each of us more pain.

After a long moment Peeta turns to look at me again.

"You must be excited about getting back to New York. I know you hate it here," he says.

My heart drops a little in disappointment that he has changed the subject. I don't want to talk about New York with him. Particularly as it is a reminder he is not part of my life there.

"I don't hate everything about Panem," I say softy.

I fix my stare on Peeta and try to show him with a look that he has made this last week so much more enjoyable. I don't want him to think I hate Panem because of him.

Peeta sucks in a breath when he sees the intensity of my stare. My heart begins to pound in my chest as he looks back at me with equal intent. No man has ever had quite the same physical effect on me as he has. I inch closer to him as the thought of kissing him again reappears in my head.

But Peeta clears his throat and turns away from me. I blush and look down, embarrassed to be having these thoughts about him again.

"I think I'm going to head home. You need a ride? How did you get here?" he asks.

"I stole Darius's police bike," I reply.

Peeta turns to me with an amused grin as he shakes his head. And just like that the intensity between us is gone. He's ready to joke about my most recent theft.

"He could have you thrown in jail for that," he says.

He playfully bumps my shoulder as he says this and I laugh as I gently jostle him back.

"I left him passed out on the grass. He will have it back by the time he wakes up tomorrow," I reply with a grin.

Peeta laughs before he makes a move to leave.

"Yeah. Darius will be passed out until noon. Come on though. We should get a move on," he says.

I smile at him one last time before we both turn round to climb down the steps.

We sit in silence as Peeta drives me back to my parents' house. Darius's bike is slung in the back of his truck and I can't help but stare at Peeta as we drive along the country roads.

A mixture of fear and nervousness grips my heart as we get closer to the house. I'm leaving tomorrow and I can't even imagine what will happen before I make it back to Panem. I'll file the papers and we'll be officially divorced and free to live our lives separately. That's what I wanted when I came back here. But why does the thought of that now fill me with dread?

I start to think about how we got here. When we were growing up I thought nothing would come between us. He was my best friend and I loved him with all my being. But we let things slip. We chose to argue rather than face up to our real problems and I ended up losing part of myself as a result. I wonder if we could have done anything differently.

I'm still thinking about it as Peeta stops his truck and walks me to my parents' door. I'm so caught up in my thoughts I almost miss his goodbye.

"Goodbye, Katniss. Don't eat all those cheesebuns at once," he says.

I let myself smile as he lingers for a moment. There is a moment when I think he is about to hug me but then he steps back shaking his head. He ends up giving me one last smile instead before he turns to leave.

But I don't want him to leave. I realise that I need to speak to him. About what went wrong. About what is happening between us now. Because I know if I don't I will be thinking about it for the rest of my life. Because I have so many regrets about what happened and I wished we had done things differently once I left.

"You never came after me," I say.

Peeta freezes at the sound of my voice and he stays still for a long moment before turning round to face me. When he does he has indignation in his eyes. He takes a step towards me and I hold my breath as I push my back up against the door.

"You never gave me the chance to fight for you! You were gone before I could convince you otherwise! Not once did you ask me to come with you. Don't you dare blame me for giving up on us," he says.

He's angry again. Just like when I first arrived. I realise that we have left a few things unsaid. But Peeta catches himself and shakes his head as he steps away from me.

"Besides, you didn't want me to come after you. Not really," he adds.

His face is sad and resigned but I shake my head as I take a step towards him. I stop a breath away from him as I look up.

"Yes, I did," I say determinedly. "I didn't stop loving you just because I moved but I was too scared and heartbroken to ask you to come with me."

Peeta sighs in defeat and nods his head.

"That's not an excuse. You should have given me the option. I can't say I would have agreed to go but it was the least I deserved. You made me feel expendable," he replies.

I was so stupid and hurtful back then. Our whole marriage failed because we couldn't communicate with each other and I was too young to understand how to compromise. For the first time I can see how things could have been different.

Peeta sighs again as he takes a step towards me. His eyes are filled with sadness and regret.

"But once you were gone I was left with no choice. I loved you enough to know that you needed to get out and see the world. And even though it devastated me to have you leave I had to let you go," he replies.

My heart clenches with guilt but old wounds have been reopened and emotions are beginning to pour out.

"Then why marry me in the first place? Let's be honest with each other. You proposed to keep me here. Why bother if you were just going to let me go a year down the line?" I reply getting angrier.

"Don't you dare blame it all on me! You still said yes. I didn't force you to marry me. You said yes because you were scared of losing me and then spent our marriage resenting me for the decision you made. It's not fair to blame me for keeping you here," he replies angrily.

"You knew I couldn't say no to you. I would have done anything for you back then. You manipulated my feelings for you," I reply.

"Fine, maybe I did. But your resentment of me was harsh. You would pick fights just so you could avoid the real reason you were angry with me. You preferred all the small arguments than having to face our real issues," he says.

I shrink away as I am hit by his honest words and I am confronted by all my mistakes.

"If you knew what was bothering me why didn't you say anything? I know I sucked at communicating but you were just as bad. Why let me pick the fights? Why not force me to be honest with you?" I say.

"Because I was scared. You were my whole life, Katniss. I didn't have a life without you. No one else I really cared about. I knew bringing it up would mean I would lose you. I made mistakes, Katniss, but don't just stand there and accuse me of being the only one," he says.

We pause for breath. We've laid the truth all out there.

"You're right. I fucked up bad and I never meant for you to feel expendable. You were never that to me. Leaving you was the hardest thing I have ever done. I should have just talked to you and at least tried to come to a compromise before I left," I say.

Peeta smiles sadly at me.

"We both failed. The truth is we were just too young to deal with a grown up relationship," he replies. He pauses a moment when he looks deep into my eyes before speaking again. "It's taken me nine years to admit it, but maybe now I can have closure once and for all."

I return his smile. I want him to get closure. He doesn't deserved to be hurt by me anymore.

A strand of hair falls across my face. Peeta reaches out automatically to tuck the hair behind my ear. It's an old, familiar gesture. One that used to be as natural to him as breathing but it is strangely intimate. He hasn't touched me like that in a long time.

He freezes when he catches himself doing it and looks at me alarmed. I hold my breath as I stare back up at him with confused eyes. Old feelings begin swirling in my stomach and warm my chest. I don't move and Peeta doesn't drop his hand.

I don't know who moves first but suddenly our lips meet in a sweet kiss. We both pull back afterwards looking at each other curiously. The feelings are intensifying inside of me and I can't hear anything over my rapidly beating heart.

"We shouldn't have done that," I whisper.

What am I doing? I just thought how I wanted him to have closure. Kissing him is not going to give him that.

But I see something in each his eyes. He wants a chance to say goodbye. One he didn't get the first time. Before I know what is happening I am drawn back into his arms, his lips sealing mine in a searing kiss.

The electric thrill that runs through my body is instant as soon as I feel his lips against mine. All other thoughts fly out of my head as I concentrate on the feel and taste of him. It is like coming home.

I keep expecting him to pull away but he licks my bottom lip, begging for entrance and I open my mouth greedily to let him in. He pulls me closer to him as our tongues dance together in a fiery embrace. I can't get enough of him as I wrap my arms around him and feel the hard muscles in his back.

Everything feels familiar and yet different at the same time. He's grown bolder in the last few years. His hands slip down from my face, outlining the curve of my shoulders before sliding down to grip hold of my waist. I gasp as he tugs me towards him and I feel him hard against my lower abdomen. He groans as I buck my hips into him and the wetness begins to soak into my underwear. Peeta gently bites down on my bottom lip as he digs his nails into my skin and I let out an embarrassingly loud moan.

But kissing him is not enough. Maybe it will be more painful in the long run. Or maybe like he said it will bring us closure. But I can sense in the intensity of his grip that he needs this. After he will be able to let me go for good.

We pull away breathlessly as we take a moment to study each other carefully. There's no pain in them anymore. Just a hunger that I am sure is being reflected back to him in my own look.

"We should go inside. Away from prying eyes," I say.

Peeta nods his head in agreement as he pulls me towards him to give me another bruising kiss. I'm panting when he releases me and I can barely concentrate as I fumble about in my bag for my keys.

Peeta stands behind me as I fiddle with the lock on my parents' house and get distracted by his kisses on my neck. I roll my head to the side as I let him suckle on my pulse point. I love the tightness of his grip on me and the feel of his lips against my skin. I can't wait to get us inside **.**

I almost fall through the doorway as I unlock the door but Peeta's hands are there to steady me and he presses me against the wall taking my head in his hands to kiss me again. I sigh into it as my hands slip underneath his flannel shirt, grazing his skin there as I trail my fingers up his spine.

The part of me that thinks this is a bad idea no longer responds. There is no going back now.

Peeta separates my legs with his and he pushes his thigh up into my pulsating core. I gasp as I press myself against it and begin rubbing myself against him. Peeta grunts his approval.

"My bedroom," I pant between kisses.

I don't want to run the risk of my parents walking in on us, even if I want nothing more than to tear his clothes off right here and right now. We don't need any interruptions. Peeta nods his head in agreement and I reluctantly pull myself off him to turn and go up the stairs.

It takes us several attempts to reach my room. I feel liking a dehydrated man who has just found water again. I can't get enough of him and several times we stop on the stairs to kiss each other senseless again. Hands wander to not so innocent places and I am already breathless when Peeta punches open my bedroom door and pushes me inside.

Years of frustration and bitterness has built up until this point. We didn't resolve things the last time and this is our attempt to get closure on it all.

We snap together like magnets as we immediately start tearing and ripping off clothes. Buttons fly off Peeta's flannel shirt and my bra ends up hanging off the side of a lampshade. We can't get each other naked quick enough and we end up tumbling together onto my bed.

I relish the feeling of him against me **.** My hands run all over his skin, remembering every contour of his body and noting a couple of new scars he has picked up. Peeta showers my body in kisses as he rediscovers all my sweet spots. He has me gasping and writhing underneath him as he suckles on my nipple and his thumb finds my clit. He remembers exactly the patterns and pressure to apply to get me moaning and screaming out his name.

I can't say anything as my breathing gets shallower and the sweat begins to appear like dew on my skin. I don't want to say anything to disturb this moment with him. All that matters is him and the amazing things he does to my body. But I don't want him to miss out on the fun.

I run my hand down his chest and curl my fingers around his length as his finger still plays on my clit. I run my thumb over his head before pumping him a few times. I always loved the feel of him in my hand. No one else has fitted as perfectly in my hand as him.

Peeta drops his head to my shoulder as he pants heavily and we continue to tease each other. Slowly he brings his head back up to place a sloppy kiss on my lips.

"Condom?" he mumbles against my lips.

I shake my head at him and his body momentarily sags in disappointment. My hand stops working him as I touch his cheek to get him to look at me.

"No need. I've got an IUD. I trust you," I say.

Peeta gives me a relieved smile before pulling me up for a deep kiss. I dig my nails into his back and I can feel his length pressed up against my slick folds. I feel Peeta shiver at the contact and I don't want to wait any longer. I need him inside of me.

Peeta seems to sense this too and reaches down to line himself up at my entrance. I feel the tip of him dip into my entrance and I gasp in anticipation. For the first time since we kissed Peeta stops, holding himself at my entrance. I don't know how he has so much self-control. I want nothing more than for him to sink into me.

But he stops to look at me and the look makes my heart stop. A softness appears in his eyes and I know this is more than some quick, needy fuck. But he doesn't say anything to voice how he is feeling. Instead he just bends down to kiss me again and everything I need to know is in that one kiss.

He doesn't waste another moment and he slides into me in one fluid movement. I moan in approval as I hitch my leg around his hip to allow him in deeper.

He starts off slowly at first, building a steady pace until I am jutting my hips up to meet his movements. We keep our eyes locked together as we move in time together. It feels so right to be joined together in this way again. We are both more sure in what we are doing compared to the fumbling teenagers we were when we last did this. Briefly my mind wanders to the girls he must have been with to become this confident but I quickly shake these thoughts out my head. I don't want to think about them. I just want to think about him.

The spikes of pleasure keep rolling throughout my body with every one of his purposeful thrusts. I squirm underneath him as my orgasm begins to build steadily. Peeta grips my hips tighter to pick up the pace and just when I think we have hit the right rhythm he suddenly hooks his arm under my knee, pulling my leg up and over his shoulder.

This new position leaves us nose to nose as Peeta grips onto my ankle tightly to keep me in place. The sudden change in angle allows him to sink even deeper inside of me and he reaches my g-spot in just the right way. I cry out as he hits that spot again and again.

The steady progress of my orgasm suddenly begins running at full steam ahead and the coil in my belly tightens at a rapid speed. Peeta hisses as I dig my nails into his flesh as I call out his name.

I am completely breathless and my body begins to tremble from my impending orgasm. Peeta senses this as I clench around him and leans forward to thrust into me with even more purpose. The coil continues winding tighter and tighter. I don't think I can take it much longer.

Finally my back arches up off the bed as my orgasm comes crashing over me. Peeta grips onto my ankle tighter as the aftershocks of my orgasm runs through my whole body making me tremble underneath him.

His own rhythm has gotten sloppy now and he is panting my name against my shoulder. I reach up to stroke sweaty strands of hair off his face and he comes with a strangled cry of my name before slumping down on top of me.

He lifts his chin up to give me a lazy smile. I smile back at him as I continue to stoke the sweaty curls off his face and bask in the glory of one of my most powerful orgasms. I lean up to place a soft kiss on his lips, not caring what tomorrow may bring.

* * *

 **A/N: This chapter took me a long time to get right so I have to thank my Beta, LavendaVanilla, for giving me all her notes and encouraging me. I finally think I got it they way I wanted.**

 **I know this chapter is going to split opinion. Some will be ecstatic at Everlark finally getting together again while others will be disappointed that Peeta let Katniss back in so easily. I will say that Peeta knows exactly what he is doing and wouldn't have done it if he thought it was going to hurt him. We're nearing the end now so you won't have to wait long to see how it all comes to a conclusion.**


	13. Chapter 13

_Chapter 13_

We lie crammed together on my old single bed. The sweat has cooled on our skin and my head rests against Peeta's chest. My fingers play with the fine gold hairs that lie there as his hand gently strokes my hair. Pressed this close against him I can still feel the rhythm of his heart beating and I let out a small sigh of content as I savour the feeling of security I get from lying in his arms.

"I forgot sex was the best way to shut you up," Peeta says with a grin.

I tip my head up to look at him with a smile. As two immature nineteen years olds our only solution for solving arguments was to have sex. If we weren't arguing, we were fucking.

"It was about the only thing that was working in our relationship back then," I reply.

Peeta smiles as it reminds me of some of the nights we spent together We may have only just started to figure sex out but there was always something special when we joined together in that way. It's that intense connection that you can only experience with someone you love.

What scares me is that connection seems to be still there. I thought this would give me closure but it has just stirred up my feelings further. I only hope this is what Peeta needs to move on **.**

"It's a lot better than it was back then. We've both learned some tricks," Peeta says with a suggestive glint in his eyes.

I smile and shake my head at him. I don't want to think about the girls he learned these things with. It makes me feel nauseous and jealous. Both things I don't have a right to be.

Peeta smiles back at me before placing a kiss on top of my head.

"I'm glad that we've become friends again," he adds.

I let out a little breath of relief. At least he still sees us as friends. It seems like he doesn't want more and that way he won't get hurt. Although part of me is sad at that thought because it almost feels like I've caught glimpses of how great we can be together.

I don't want to talk about it so instead I swing my leg around Peeta's waist and snuggle closer to him. He smells of the charcoal and beer from the barbeque but I inhale the scent deeply. If this is our last night together I want to remember it.

Peeta smiles at me sweetly before his gaze turns to look round my room. A look of disbelief appears across his face.

"I feel like I'm stuck in a time warp. Your room hasn't changed at all," he says.

I sigh as I shake my head.

"You would think I have died and this is Mom and Dad's shrine to me. It creeps me out," I reply.

"It's crazy that you've been to all the places on these posters now. I remember when you would spend hours telling me about everywhere you wanted to travel **,"** he says.

I smile.

"I've still not seen the pyramids. Africa is the one continent that I really haven't explored," I say.

I tip my head towards the curling poster of the Pyramids of Giza beside my window. Peeta tilts his head to the side to get a better look at it before his gaze drifts to the picture of a beach in Bora Bora.

"Are those places really as idyllic in real life?" he asks. "I've always felt they look too good to be true. Like it has been edited or something."

"No. There really are places as beautiful as that. And it's crazy what you can find when you're not looking. Did I tell you about the time my friend, Johanna, and I got chased by a sea turtle? I didn't know those things could be so vicious!" I exclaim.

Peeta shakes his head at me and I begin to tell him the story of how Johanna and I accidentally disturbed a sea turtle while snorkeling and it chased us all the way back to the beach. Peeta laughs as I tell him how it snapped at Johanna's bikini strings making is come loose and fall off.

I like that I can share these stories with him now. He was the one who listened while I rambled about my dreams to do all these things while I was stuck in Panem. I realise he's the only person I want to share these stories with.

But I don't want to be the only one talking. I want to know more about what he has been doing all these years.

"Tell me how you got into painting. What inspired you?" I ask.

"It was some sort of therapy at first. After you left I had so many thoughts in my head and the only way I could get them out was on a canvas. It just kinda stuck after that," he replies.

I raise my eyebrows at him and shake my head. He's being too modest.

"I don't believe that is all there is to it. Growing up you always saw the beauty in things other people couldn't," I say.

"There is a lot of beauty in Panem. You just have to take the time to see it. Whether it's the sunlight hitting the meadow in a certain way or Delly's six year old son helping Sae across the street, there are beautiful images everywhere," he replies.

I smile up at him as I savour his ability to make me see the world in a different way. He has been the only person to ever make me see the good things about Panem.

I love hearing him talk, particularly about something he is passionate about. I listen captivated as he tells me about the techniques he uses and his favourite colours to make. I wish I wasn't leaving tomorrow so I could witnesss his painting firsthand.

We carry on talking into the small hours of the morning as we continue to laugh and swap stories. It's almost like how it was when we first started sleeping together and would just stay up all night talking in hushed tones to avoid disturbing my parents. We stay wrapped in each other's arms as the night wears on, neither of us bringing up what just happened between us.

* * *

The morning sun wakes us as it streams through the crack in my drapes. I sigh as I snuggle closer to the strong warmth beside me. I don't want to wake up from this impossibly good dream. Full of Peeta, smiles and happiness. I forgot just how deeply I sleep when I am next to him.

But Peeta's chest heaves and I feel him stir beside me. He lets out a loud yawn as he stretches out his cramped limbs. Reluctantly I pry my eyes open and peek up at the sleepy man beside me. Peeta rubs the sleep out of his eyes before he looks down at me and gives me a lazy smile.

"Good morning," he says before leaning down to place a soft kiss on my lips.

My body eagerly reaches up to meet his kiss and I am disappointed that it is so short. These kisses are doing nothing to stop my confusion over him.

We are both smiling as we pull away and I am surprised how content I feel. No regret or remorse. It feels like last night was always supposed to happen. I enjoy the feeling of peace in the early morning.

That is until my eyes glance at the ancient digital alarm clock beside my bed and see that it is nearly 7am. My parents will be up soon to start their normal Sunday routine.

"Shit!" I exclaim as I throw back the covers. "I didn't mean for you to sleep over!"

I jump out of bed and immediately begin throwing on any clothes that I can find. I frown when I catch sight of my bra hanging off the lampshade and shake my head at how desperate I was to get Peeta naked last night.

Peeta just smiles at me in amusement as he sits up in the bed. He's still naked and the sheet slips down exposing his lower half. The sight of his semi-hard erection is enough to send a flash of heat to my core. I shake my head at him as I throw him his shirt and order him to get dressed. We definitely don't have time for a repeat of last night.

"Calm down. It's not like you haven't snuck me out before," he says with a grin.

I scowl at him. We were never that successful as teenagers and it is embarrassing now trying to sneak him out as adults.

"You're not helping. You know my dad is a light sleeper **!"** I whisper harshly.

Peeta just chuckles as he pulls up his jeans and bends down to find his shoes. I cross my arms across my chest as I tap my foot impatiently. He takes forever to get changed which only serves to agitate me even more. I know my parents will have something to say if they catch us.

Eventually he gets his final boot on and I grab his hand to drag him out the room. Carefully, I open the door and peek outside to see if my parents are up. I look up and down the hall but everything is silent and still. I take a deep breath before turning to Peeta with a finger on my lip to motion him to be quiet. Peeta grins back at me but does put his finger up to his lip to show me he'll try to sneak out quietly. Gingerly I open the door and usher him to follow me. We tip toe out of my room and try to move downstairs without making a sound.

Peeta follows closely behind me but he has always been heavy footed and I wince when I hear the creak on the stairs. We both freeze as we wait to see if the sound has disturbed anyone. I let out a sigh of relief when I hear no response and we continue to creep down the remaining stairs.

We get to the front door without encountering either of my parents and I am glad that we are saved from any awkward conversations. I open the door for Peeta and he turns to smile at me in the doorway.

A sense of fear suddenly grips my heart. I was so focused on sneaking him out that I haven't had time to think about what I will say now that he is leaving. I know the best thing to do is let him go but I struggle to get the words out.

"Peeta, last night…" I begin.

"…was a nice way to say goodbye," he finishes for me.

He gives me a bittersweet smile and I know he's right. Whatever feelings I still have for him don't matter because his life is here and mine is in New York. He's got his closure how so it's time to move on.

"Yes," I reply nodding my head.

I look down at my toes. I suddenly find it hard to look at him. But I feel Peeta's hand on my chin and he tips it up to force me to look at him.

"I'm glad we had this time together," he says.

I can see the sincerity in his eyes and I smile back at him gratefully. Peeta's smile fades slightly before tipping my head up to place a soft kiss on my lips. It's brief and feather light but still sends a hum of energy through it. It may be the sweetest kiss I have ever had.

We part with sad smiles. This is our last goodbye. The next time I see him I want him to be happy with someone else.

I watch Peeta walk back to his truck. He turns to give me one last smile and wave before he drives off back to our old house. I sigh as I watch the road dust swirl behind his truck. He's really gone.

Slowly I turn back round to go back in the house but stop and freeze when I hear a voice call out.

"I've got a strange sense of déjà vu. I see that Peeta still hasn't learned to sneak out quietly,"Dad says.

I wince before I take a deep breath and turn round to face my dad. He's leaning on the door frame of the living room with a slightly amused smile on his face.

"How long have you been standing there?" I ask.

I can't believe he caught us. I don't want to face the barrage of questions he will have for me.

"I was in the kitchen when I heard Peeta come thumping down the stairs. Though the sight of his truck outside our house was a bit of a giveaway that he was here," Dad says.

I cringe. Why didn't I think about his truck? The whole street probably saw. I don't need any more ammunition for their gossip.

"He wasn't supposed to stay the night," I mumble as I wring my hands in the front of my shirt.

I can't look at Dad. He's one of the few people I can't lie to and I know he'll be able to see right through any of my attempts to try and explain last night.

Dad sighs as he takes a step towards me.

"Was that the only time?" he asks.

I nod my head in reply, still keeping my eyes on the ground.

Dad shakes his head.

"Well, at least that means you haven't been lying to me. But I think you've probably been lying to yourself. What's happening between you two?" he asks.

I force myself to look at him. There's concern in his eyes now. He's worried that I am ignoring my feelings. Worried that I am going to make bad decisions again.

"I don't know, Dad. A week ago I was planning to marry another man and now my heart aches at the thought of leaving Peeta. I just closure on it all," I admit.

Dad looks at me sympathetically and reaches out to place a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"Have you talked to Peeta about any of it? I've seen how he looks at you since you got back. He's probably just as confused as you are," Dad says.

I shake my head. This is why I didn't want anyone to catch us this morning. Their questions are too hard to answer. I was fine with last night being one last night of passion before I went back. But now Dad is asking the questions I am too scared to ask myself. I begin to question every choice I have ever made **.**

"I don't want to bring him more pain, Dad. It'll only hurt him if I tell him I still have feelings for him. Because I can't stay here and he can't come with me. It's better for him if he doesn't know. That way he can move on," I reply.

My heart begins to tighten in my chest. Talking about leaving again is making the fear come back. Fear of leaving Peeta and not being in his life again. The longer I stay the harder it becomes to leave him behind.

"Is that what you really want? I've watched you this last week. You and Peeta have been inseparable these last few days and you always come back with a smile on your face," Dad replies.

It doesn't surprise me that he is sticking up for Peeta. Peeta was the son Dad never had. I know he was sad when our marriage fell apart.

I take a deep breath as I wrap my arms around myself. His words just make things even more confusing.

"I don't know what I want," I admit.

Dad smiles at me sympathetically before he pulls me in for a warm hug. He squeezes me tight as I bury my head in his chest. I screw my eyes shut to stop the tears from falling. I am starting to doubt the way I left things with Peeta **.**

Dad kisses the top of my head and pulls back slightly to look at me. I sniff loudly as Dad strokes a bit of my hair back.

"Just think carefully before you leave. Because if you do, there is no coming back. You'll be saying goodbye to Peeta for good," he says.

Dad leaves and I ponder his words for a while after he leaves **.** Part of me is desperate to voice my feelings and finally make sense of them but every time I think about admitting things to Peeta I can't see a positive outcome.

* * *

I go back to my childhood bedroom to finish the packing I started yesterday. I have a couple of hours before Dad drives me to the train station in the town two hours away.

As I am packing I come across the photo of Peeta and me eating a toasted marshmallow. I smile at it fondly as I trace our smiles with my fingers. I had hidden this photo when I first got back here because it was painful to look at. But it doesn't hurt so much now **.** In fact, I start to remember why that day was so special. We were surrounded by friends and happy. It's okay to admit that. I've learned this week that it's okay to have some good memories from here. I smile as I tuck the photo into my suitcase.

I was so determined to forget everything when I left Panem the first time that I took no reminders of it. But maybe that's why I'm struggling with my emotions now. I didn't allow myself to grieve probably. Taking this photo is me accepting that I did have a life here and there will be parts of it that I will always remember fondly **.**

I sigh as I carry on packing and then find my scrap book beside my bed. I smile again as I flick through some of the photos and mementos I have kept. The images of me with Cato startle me slightly. He has been so far from my thoughts lately and I feel guilty for my lack of remorse over the end of our relationship. Instead I'm surprisingly okay with letting him go. I laugh as I see the picture of the Italian monk trying to pose for a photograph. He doesn't quite know where to look.

This is what I have to focus on. The memories in this book would have never been created if I had stayed in Panem. I am still free to travel the world and discover things I wouldn't have even thought of. There are so many possibilities out there and I should focus on experiencing as much as possible rather than reliving the past.

I begin to feel better about myself as I finish the last of the packing. There was a happiness in Peeta's eyes this morning, almost a sense of relief, and I try my best to seek that same comfort. I list all the things I am looking forward to back in New York; Johanna dragging me out to some dive bar, discovering some secret underground concert, eating the best Thai food in the state. Things may be a little awkward facing Cato again and I don't have a place to live but I focus on the positives to distract myself from thoughts of Peeta.

After packing I take one last ride on Sampson. Finding riding stables is one of my top priorities when I get back to New York. It is the time when I feel the greatest sense of calm and peace and it will be the perfect antidote to all the hustle and bustle in the city.

I am a little sad that I will have to leave Sampson behind but I empty my brain of all other thoughts as I jump on top of him and focus on the gentle rocking motion of the horse. Nothing else matters except Sampson and I, galloping away from my emotions **.**

Afterwards I jump off Sampson's back at the stables with a smile on my face. I dig in my pockets to find him a sugar cube that he greedily gobbles up from my hand. A smile spreads across me face as I stroke his neck affectionately.

"I'll have to make sure Joel feeds you sugar cubes when I'm gone," I say.

Sampson snorts as he pokes his nose in my hand again looking for another one. I laugh as I continue to pat him on the neck.

"Couldn't resist one last ride?" a male voice says from behind me.

I freeze. The ride with Sampson suddenly seems futile. Every time I feel good about leaving something comes along to throw me off again.

Slowly I turn around to face my soon to be ex-husband. Peeta has a smile on his face when I turn round to see him and his blond curls are hidden underneath an old stenson hat.

"I'll have to find a place to go riding back in New York. Though I have grown very fond of Sampson," I reply.

I stay standing closely next to Sampson as I continue to stroke and pat his mane, fearful of getting too close to Peeta after we already said goodbye.

Peeta smiles back at me but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. He looks down at the ground and scuffs some of the earth there with his boot. I don't think he liked the mention of New York.

"I'm surprised you're still here **.** I thought you said all your goodbyes," Peeta says.

"Train doesn't leave until 3pm. My connecting flight is tomorrow," I say.

Peeta nods his head but keeps his eyes on the ground.

"Are you planning on coming back?" he asks.

He pulls his head back up to look at me and there is a little bit of hope there. I try to act nonchalant about it and shrug my shoulder.

"Panem isn't as bad as I remember. I forgot how many people there are here that I love. My job might not give me any leave for the foreseeable future but I'll be back for my small town fix," I say.

I try to force a smile and sound cheery. Like we are just two old friends saying goodbye. If he's found peace with us he doesn't need me confusing him with my feelings.

Peeta smiles and nods.

"Rye is betting on you coming back for Thanksgiving. He wants you for his touch football team. Says there is no girl as fearless as you and he is tired of losing to Darius's team," Peeta replies.

I laugh and relax my hold on Sampson a little bit.

"Will Violet even let him play with his bad back?" I say.

"You know if she doesn't he'll be the over competitive coach on the side-lines trying to distract the opposition," Peeta says with a grin.

"I might volunteer for Darius's team just to piss him off," I say.

Peeta throws his head back in laughter and I can't stop the smile spreading across my face.

I am reminded how happy he can make me feel and I don't know if I will ever be able to replicate it with someone else. If I was selfish I would grab him and kiss him one last time before I leave. But I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't hurt him again. So even though it kills me to say it I force the next words out of my mouth.

"Next time I come back I fully expect you to be all loved up and settled down with the woman who will give you your children. No one deserves it more than you," I say. I pause to take a deep breath. "Leevy has been long neglected by you this week."

Peeta lets a small smile grace his lips as he stuffs his hand in his pockets and nods his head.

 **"** I promise to work on it, **"** he says.

I give him a small smile in return and we stand silently for a few moments, unsure how to end things.

"I hope you find happiness too," Peeta says.

He then steps forwards and wraps his arms around me.

"Goodbye. Again," he says with a slight smile.

I let out a small laugh as I hold onto him tightly. I want to hold onto him as long as possible but don't want to over step my boundaries. Peeta pulls back with a small smile and then turns to head into the stables. I turn to watch him go and force myself not to tear up.

My heart begins to tighten as I realise that my happiness can't involve him. He knew all those years ago that he had to let me go. It's now my turn to do the same for him.

* * *

 **A/N: I know some of you hate me for this but trust me, Katniss needs to get back to New York to put everything in perspective. She's too caught up in everything at the moment to think clearly. But the next chapter is the last one before the epilogue so I think most of you are going to enjoy it.**

 **Thanks so much toe my Beta, LavendarVanilla, for her great insights into this chapter. And thanks to everyone who is still enjoying the story. Your support has been great.**


	14. Chapter 14

_Chapter 14_

New York is 90 degrees. Even though the thermometer tells me it is cooler than Panem, all the traffic fumes and crowds make it seem even more humid. Everyone is walking round with frozen drinks and ice packs to try and keep cool. I have to change my outfit half way through the day as by lunchtime my clothes are soaked in sweat. I always forget hot and uncomfortable the city gets in the summer.

I try to tell myself it is the heat that has got me so grumpy. I was so desperate to get back here when I first arrived in Panem but now I am back I am not sure what I feel.

New York is still the same. The man still plays guitar at my subway station and a hundred different accents walk past me in the streets. My work at the research lab keeps me interested and my friends phone me up to arrange meet ups and suggest things to do. I can get coffee at four in the morning and eat exotic foods at a different restaurant each night. These are all the things I loved about the city before I left. These things remain the same but I don't get the same joy out of them as I used to.

New York suddenly feels very different. It just doesn't feel like home anymore.

I try to convince myself it is because I am adjusting to life without Cato in New York. For the last four years I haven't known New York without him. But now I've moved out of our apartment together and am crashing on Johanna's couch. All my things are in boxes and I don't have a place to call my own. It's only natural that I should feel in limbo.

And yet it is not Cato that is keeping me up at night.

Peeta fills my dreams with his blue eyes and smiles. Some dreams are good, us laughing together on a ride or baking in the kitchen. Others are flashbacks to our last night together and I wake in the morning with sweat on my skin and a wetness between my thighs. But some are not so pleasant. Me losing the baby and Peeta's heartbroken face as I leave him again. I don't know which dreams are worse. All leave me feeling like there is a big hole in my heart.

The divorce papers still lie untouchedin my purse. I haven't been able to bring myself to file them yet. Instead I've dragged Johanna out every night this week to distract me from thoughts of missing him.

I told her everything once I got back to New York. Peeta. Our marriage. The baby. Having known me the longest since I have been in New York, Johanna was a bit shocked and hurt that I had hidden so much from her but it has made her understand my need for distraction. Dwelling on Peeta is just going to make my heart ache.

I need to accept that we are finished and move on. It's what is best for him.

I think I am even more exhausted by the fact that I am trying to gain closure on two different relationships. I may not miss Cato as much as I should but it is still hard to move on, particularly because so much of the stuff I bought in our apartment we bought together. I've had to go round a couple of nights this week already to try and sort out the remainder of our stuff. We've always arranged it for Cato to be out when I go round and I only have a couple of more boxes to sort out before I hand in my keys to him for good **.**

I let out a weary sigh before I take a slurp of my ice fruit smoothie and enter the building of our trendy Tribeca apartment.

The doorman smiles at me politely as I make my way to our penthouse apartment. Cato had bought the apartment during our first year of dating and asked me to move in with him a year later. This has been my home for the last two years.

I feel a great sense of sadness as I walk into the apartment for the final time. There will be no reason for me to come back after today. I stand in the doorway for a few moments as I survey the space I made so many memories in.

It has an open plan layout with large glass windows and wooden floors. The walls are stark white but are covered in an array of different mementos we've picked up over the years. A large Tibetan wall hanging takes up a large part of the wall and a golden Chinese dragon mask rests in the corner. It's a treasure trove of fine art from all over the world.

After spending a few minutes taking it all in I sigh again and slowly make my way further into the apartment. I put my smoothie down on a table and bend down to sort through the final boxes Cato has left out.

The first one is filled with hats and scarves made out of alpaca wool that we got in Peru. I smile as I pick up the first one that has ears attached to it to makes me look like an actual alpaca. I was so embarrassed when Cato first bought this for me. I spend a few minutes looking at it before deciding to leave it behind and moving onto the next item. Packing always takes me longer than I think because a thousand lost memories always resurface as I find things I forget I ever owned.

I spend about an hour going through the remaining boxes and choosing the things I want to keep while carefully storing the others away. I am almost done when I hear the key turn in the lock. I freeze as I hear Cato's footsteps enter the apartment. Slowly I turn round to face him.

He's wearing his favourite pair of khaki trousers with a pale blue shirt that has been rolled up at the sleeves. He looks a little surprised to see me here. Clearly he forgot I was coming round today. We end up both staring at each other for a long moment, neither of us making the first move **.**

I have only seen him once since I got back and it was stiff and a bit awkward. I couldn't look him in the eye knowing I had slept with another man a week after we broke up and he seemed unsure of how to speak to me.

Cato clears his throat uncomfortably, looking at the ground and shifting about nervously on his feet.

"Sorry. Lunch with my parents finished early. I forgot you'd be here. I'll just get out your way," Cato says.

He drops his keys into the bowl with a loud clang and moves towards the bedroom. It makes me sad that it seems we can't even be in the same room anymore. We have a lot of the same friends. Is it going to be like this every time we get invited to the same party? Suddenly I get the urge to try and make things less awkward between us.

"I'm nearly finished. Please don't hide away," I call after him.

Cato stops at my words and turns slowly to look at me with a sad smile on his face.

"I never imagined things would be like this between us," he says.

I give him a sad smile in return. Two weeks ago everything between us seemed perfect. And we had always been good friends. Maybe if we work things out now we can become friends again.

"I'm willing to try and be friends if you are. I mean it was a mutual decisions to end things," I say.

Cato bobs his head as he puts his hands in his pockets.

"That should make things easier. I suppose if we both don't try so hard to avoid each other it could work," he says.

I smile and nod my head and there is a long pause before either of us say anything again.

"Finnick's been raving about this new band that is playing at The Hob. A bunch of us our going to check it out. You should come too. A group outing should make things less awkward," Cato says.

There's a small smile on his face and I can tell he wants to make an effort. I've already learned the hard way cutting a person doesn't work and I find I don't want to cut Cato out completely. There is no one else who has experienced the world as much as me.

"Sounds good. It'll be nice to hear something other than country music," I reply with a smile.

Cato relaxes at my words and his grin grows wider.

"I don't mind a bit of country music every now and again but please give me some variety," Cato says.

I let out a light laugh and I think that we can do this. We can be friends with no awkwardness.

"You must be glad to be back in New York," Cato adds.

And just like that my heart sinks again. I thought I would be glad to be back here but I can't seem to escape the feeling that something is amiss. New York doesn't bring the same comfort that it used to. I drop my eyes to the ground and fiddle with the end of my braid as I try to avoid answering Cato's question.

But Cato knows me too well and senses my fall in mood immediately. He frowns slightly as he crosses his arms.

"You don't look as ecstatic to be back as I thought you would be," he says.

I sigh as I bring my head up to look at him. Chewing on my bottom lip, I try to come up with the right words to describe how I am feeling.

"I don't know," I admit. "All the things I love about New York are still here. The fast pace of life and the general hustle and bustle but it just doesn't seem like home anymore and I don't know why."

Cato listens to me carefully and nods his head. He studies me for a few moments as I continue to twirl the end of my braid round my finger.

"My parents have five different houses, on three different continents, and their friends always ask which one they call home if they have so many. They reply that it doesn't matter which one they stay in. Their home is wherever the other is. I think they mean that home doesn't have to be a place, it can be a person," he says.

I scrunch up my eyebrows in confusion.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

Cato smiles at my confusion before continuing.

"Did you spend a lot of time with Peeta once I left?" he asks.

My frowns deepens.

"Why would you ask that?" I reply.

Cato gives me an amused smile as he shakes his head.

"I told you to speak to him. I'm just wondering if you took my advice," he says.

I shift about uncomfortably on my feet. I don't want to have to admit exactly what Peeta and I got up to. Cato deserves more respect than that.

"We spent some time together, yes," I say unable to look Cato in the eye.

Cato doesn't look surprised at this revelation but he also doesn't look hurt by it.

"There was a reason I got so jealous of him. For the first time there was this guy who knew you as well as I did. Maybe even better and I hated that. I've never been in love with anyone other than you and I hated that you had already shared it with him," Cato begins.

I look up at him in disbelief. Peeta is the last thing I thought I would be talking about with him.

"And there is just this natural reaction you both have to each other. You would sense him before he even walked in the room. Your eyes always found him. I'm not blaming him for why we broke up but since I got home I realised you and I were always heading for failure. Because as much as we loved each other it was no competition to what you had with him. You were never going to feel as deeply for me as you do for him," Cato says.

I can't help but note his use of the present tense when Cato talks about my love for Peeta. I can't even admit to myself that I still harbour those feelings. I can't have my heart broken again but Cato seems certain.

"I think the reason New York doesn't feel like home anymore is because Peeta isn't here. I'm not saying that means Panem is your home, just that he is home for you," he says.

I let Cato's words sink in slowly. Could he be right?

The only time I felt relaxed in Panem was when I was with Peeta. As the days went on I felt those familiar feelings of warmth and safety. The feeling of home. I haven't felt that since coming back to New York.

I've not dared allowed myself to admit what my resurgent feelings for Peeta mean. Because that would mean I would have to be honest to him about them and that thought terrifies me. But I don't know how much longer I can keep him in the dark about them.

"I realise now that you came to New York to run away from Peeta. Don't make the same mistake again. He deserves to know how you feel," Cato adds.

I look away from him, a little ashamed that I have such strong feelings for another man. It makes me feel guilty that I don't feel sadder about the end of our relationship.

"How can you talk about Peeta like that? Aren't you upset about it?" I ask.

Cato gives me a small smile as he shrugs his shoulders.

"I've had two weeks to come to terms with the fact we wouldn't have worked, even without Peeta in the picture. Though, if you do work things out with him, please refrain from giving me the gory details. With even the best will in the world I don't want to hear that," he says.

He's smiling and I realise that he's being honest. He's come to terms with the end of our relationship and is ready to move on. If only things were as easy with Peeta.

* * *

Over the next couple of days,my head buzzes with thoughts about Peeta, Cato and what he told me. I'm distracted at work and ruin some plant samples as well as screwing up a set of results. I'm almost surprised Beetee didn't fire me when he called me into his office. But instead the meeting with my boss has given me even more to think about.

I realise that I haven't learned from my mistakes. Our marriage failed the first time because we didn't communicate and I'm still failing to communicate now. I never even asked him what he wanted. I've just made assumptions and couldn't tell Peeta how I really feel because I was too scared of getting hurt, or worse, hurting him. I need to stop repeating the same mistakes.

I make a decision to finally man up and face my issues. Cato's words have finally convinced me that I need to speak to Peeta and ask him the question I was too scared to ask all those years ago. I can't get any time off work until the weekend but I book the first flight on Saturday morning and begin preparing how I am going to tell Peeta the truth. Beetee's offer is also still plaguing my mind and with so much going on it feels like my head might explode.

By Thursday evening my head is so full of thoughts that I almost miss him as I come home from work. I do a double take as I am about to climb up the steps of Johanna's building. This is the last place I ever expected him.

But there he is. Standing on the opposite side of the road looking overwhelmed by the noise and the sheer volume of traffic. He looks so out of place in his worn jeans, flannel shirt and cowboy boots. A ratty rucksack is slung over his shoulder and his blond curls stick out at odd angles. I get the feeling he's beenanxiously running his hand through his hair.

Peeta Mellark is in New York.

His head moves from side to side rapidly as he tries to find space in the traffic to cross. I am stuck in disbelief as I look at him. He goes to take a step onto the road and my heart almost stops as a cab rushes past him, horn honking in annoyance. Peeta jumps back startled as he continues to look up and down the street bewildered.

The incident is enough to bring me to my senses and I rush across to rescue him. Of course he beat me to it. He was always one step ahead of me in our relationship. Peeta finally spots me as I hop up onto the sidewalk and he gives me a relieved smile.

"Come on," I say tugging on his hand, "You'll get yourself run over **."**

Peeta smiles at me again and lets me pull him across the street safely. He smiles at me gratefully once we make it safely to the otherside.

"Thanks. I didn't know there could be so many cars on the roads. It's all so noisy," he says.

"You get used to it. But come up stairs. I can't have you killed while you are in New York" I say with a grin.

This comment relaxes Peeta and he hoists his rucksack up higher on his shoulder. He grins back at me.

"Sounds good. I hope you don't mind me just turning up here. Your parents gave me this address," he replies.

I smile back.

"I never mind when it comes to you," I reply.

Peeta smiles back at me and I don't want to blink for fear that he might disappear. I keep sneaking glances at him as I lead him up the stairs, trying not to overthink his unanticipated arrival **.**

My whole body is buzzing with nerves and excitement. I was off to see him in just two days time and his arrival here has provided me with the perfect opportunity to finally be honest with him. I thought I would have a few more days to prepare what I was going to say to him but I know there will be no better time than now.

Johanna is out when we enter her small Brooklyn apartment and I am glad that I will get Peeta alone for a while. We smile a little awkwardly at each other as Peeta sets his bag down among Johanna's mess in the living room. I look at him for a long moment as I gather the right words.

"It's funny. I have flights booked to come and see you in Panem this weekend," I say with a small chuckle. "I guess great minds think alike but what are you doing here, Peeta?"

There is a long pause and Peeta looks down at his feet. He shifts about on them for a moment before taking a deep breath and finally looking back at me. My breath is almost taken away by the look in his eyes. It's passionate and determined.

"I let you go once before. I'm not going to do it again," he says.

I gasp a little at his revelation. I've been too scared to hope that he felt anything for me. It would be easier if he had no feelings for me at all but then the good things in life rarely come easy.

Peeta still has a determined look in his eyes as he takes a step towards me. He lightly touches my arm and I look up into those blue eyes that I can so easily get lost in.

"We suck at communicating and I want to put that right. I should have told you back in Panem but I was just scared by all the feelings you stirred up in me again because I didn't know how I could make things work. I thought I was looking for closure but since you've left, I've been miserable," he says.

I smile a little as he voices so many of the same thoughts that cloud my own mind **.** I can't believe all this time we were both feeling and thinking the same things. This could all have been simpler if we had just talked to each other about it.

Peeta smiles sweetly down at me as his hand reaches up to caress the side of my face. Instinctively I lean in to him.

"I love you," he states softly.

My heart does somersaults in my chest. I love him too. And I'm willing to make the compromises we need for this to work.

"We were just kids the last time and didn't know how to handle marriage but we are both older now and hopefully more mature. I'm willing to do anything so our marriage succeeds **.** I'm willing to move to New York if that means I get to be with you," he says with a passion I hardly recognise **.**

I was not expecting that. Peeta living in New York is the last thing I can see happening.

"Peeta, you can't move here **.** You love Panem and almost killed yourself crossing the street!" I say.

Peeta just doesn't fit here. It would swallow him whole and crush his spirit. I couldn't live with myself if I let that happen. It's not the right compromise to make.

"But you can't live in Panem. It would never be enough for you and it would kill you one day at a time," he says.

I give him a small smile as he takes a step towards me. He gathers my hands in his and looks deep into my eyes. I know whatever he says next will be deadly serious.

"It was only after you came back to Panem that I realised what had been missing. Panem hasn't felt like home in a long time and it's because you are not in it. It won't ever be my home without you," he says.

I smile up at him. Cato's words about home being a person rather that a place echo around my mind. It seems Peeta may feel the same way as I do.

I move in closer to him and grip his hands tighter.

"I never filed the divorce papers," I say.

Peeta looks surprised but I don't let him say anything before I carry on.

"I couldn't bring myself to do it. In the end I couldn't let you go," I say.

Peeta's gaze softens as he smiles back at me.

"I still love you," I say.

A small laugh leaves my lips as I finally say the words I've been denying this for the last two weeks. I love him and don't want to live my life without him. I should stop assuming what he wants and let him tell me. Peeta grins too before ducking his head down to rest his forehead against mine. His thumb sweeps across my knuckles as we still keep a tight grip on each other's hand.

"Then let me move here," he pleads.

I begin shaking my head and Peeta grips my hands tighter to get me to stop. But I am not going to let him move here. Not when there is a better solution.

"I got offered a job on Monday to teach at Northwestern University. They want me to start in the fall and I would still get to carry out my research while there. Come with me," I say.

Peeta freezes as he lets this unexpected offer sink in.

When Beetee called me into his office this week, it wasn't about my most recent screw ups, it was to give me a job offer. He been appointed Head of Biological Sciences at Northwestern and wants me to be part of his research team there.

I have never thought about teaching or leaving New York before but things are different now than they were three weeks ago. My priorities have changed and this seems to be the best way to keep Peeta. I can still do the research I love and teaching others what I know actually seems like it could be a thrilling new opportunity **.**

"You'd want me to go with you?" Peeta asks.

I smile as I reach up to stroke the side of his face.

"You're home for me too," I admit.

Peeta smiles at me lovingly and it makes me want to reach up and kiss him now. But not quite yet. I still need him to agree.

"Evanston is a lot smaller than New York but bigger than Panem. Chicago isn't that far away for when I need a bit more adventure in my life and hopefully it won't be as noisy for you. I think we can make it work there," I say.

Peeta smiles broadens as he presses his forehead closer to mine.

"Let's move to Evanston then," he replies.

"Good," I breathe. I then reach up to nuzzle my nose with his. "I love you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you in Panem."

Peeta smiles as he rubs his nose against mine.

"I can't wait to spend every possible moment of the rest of my life with you," he says.

I let out a light laugh as he quotes what he said to me the night he proposed all those years ago. It's his way of reinstating our commitment to each other. I take a deep breath as Peeta slides his hands up to cup my face. He pauses for just a moment, building the anticipation before ducking down to capture my lips in a searing kiss.

My heart almost explodes with happiness as I feel his lips against mine. I didn't think this would ever be possible again. We're better equipped to handle marriage now and I am hopeful that we can make things work this time round. We're ripping up those divorce papers the first spare minute we have.

We soon sink into the kiss and that warm feeling begins to spread out from my chest and round my whole body as I wrap my arms around him. I feel content and happy. I sigh as Peeta angles my head up to deepen the kiss.

I'm finally home.

* * *

 **A/N: So we've finally reached the end! I know Katniss's confusion has been very frustrating to read so thanks to everyone who has stuck with it. She's finally learned from all her mistakes.**

 **There is still an epilogue left and we'll catch up with them to see how they've managed marriage this time.**

 **Thanks to my Beta, LavendarVanilla. She makes this so much more readable!**


	15. Chapter 15

_Epilogue_

 _9 years later_

The sun is just beginning to set as its rays bounce off the surface of the water making it sparkle like diamonds. The waves gently lap against the sandy shore and my son laughs as the water tickles his toes. The setting sun makes his blond curls even more golden and his grey eyes sparkle with delight. Peeta grips onto his hand tightly as they try to jump the waves together. Ash's laughter rings out across the deserted beach as he splashes in the water and continues to soak himself.

Peeta's boss recommended this Mexican villa and the whole family are enjoying the beach right on the doorstep. My travels have gotten less adventurous since the kids were born but I am still eager to let them experience the world. We normally have one big family vacation a year and while I may no longer backpack through forests and hike up the Andes I enjoy these little trips just as much. It is still exciting when I see my children tentatively try a new local delicacy and see their eyes widen in wonder at the all the different sights and sounds of the places we explore.

Peeta was a bit reluctant at first to travel, he was petrified the first time I took him on a plane and wouldn't let go of my hand during the entire five hour flight to Hawaii, but he's since learned to embrace the places we travel to. He's an expert at finding the beauty anywhere and our walls at home are full of his paintings depicting many of the sights we have seen.

We are the happiest we have ever been.

I smile at the sight of Peeta and our four year old son playing together but my view is suddenly obscured by a small dark-haired figure. She pops up in front of me holding a very large shell and I put down the postcard I was writing to talk to her.

"Look what I found, Mommy! Isn't it the prettiest shell you've ever seen!" my eldest daughter, Willow, exclaims.

She waves the shell frantically in front of my face and I smile at her fondly. Carefully I take the large conch shell off her. Its insides are a vibrant pink and I know it is the colour that charmed my daughter. She has spent the whole afternoon scouring this beach for the biggest and prettiest shells she can find, filling buckets with shells of all different shapes and sizes but it is clear this pink conch shell is the prize in her collection.

"It's beautiful. You must be an expert shell finder to find a shell as great as this!" I reply.

Willow smiles proudly back at me and takes the shell off me to protectively cradle it against her chest.

"Can we put it in my collection when we go back home?" she asks.

I smile at her fondly again as I nod my head. She may only be six years old but Willow is already fascinated with the world around her. Back in Evanston she is always begging me to take her to the park and the beach so she can find new things to put in her collection. She has a shelf filled with silky bird feathers, unusual rocks and beautiful pressed flowers. She just loves the natural world and it wouldn't surprise me if she follows in my footsteps and becomes a biologist or botanist when she grows older.

"It will have to take centre place on your shelf. I think it may be the best thing you have ever found," I reply.

Willow grins at me again and I slowly reach forward to lift the shell up to her ear.

"Listen. Can you hear the sea?" I ask.

Willow scrunches her eyebrows up in concentration as she strains to hear the sounds within the shell. After a few moments her blue eyes light up and she grips the shell tightly to her ear.

"I can hear it, Mommy! How did it get in there?" she asks.

"The sea is just magical and mysterious. It's full of secrets," I reply.

Willow nods her head pensively as she keeps the shell pressed against her ear. I smile as she bounces on her feet lightly. She turns her head in the direction of Peeta and Ash and looks at them excitedly.

"I'm going to show Daddy and Ash!" she exclaims.

She then dashes over to her father and brother, waving the shell in the air and shouting that she's found a magic shell. Her shouts are enough to disturb her sleeping thirteen month old sister beside me. Sage stirs and whimpers as she stretches her tired limbs out. Her eyes begin to screw up and I quickly bend down to scoop my youngest child up to soothe her before she starts crying. I rock Sage gently in my arms as she lets out a couple of cries before opening her blue eyes and locking them on me. She quietens soon after and I am glad that I have managed to calm her. She continues to watch me while I hum softly to her.

Peeta catches my eye as Willow continues to babble on about the magic shell and we share a smile.

I have to pinch myself sometimes to make sure this is not all a dream. I can't believe I have three happy and healthy children and relationship with my husband that thrives off our support for each other. I certainly wasn't mature enough for this at eighteen.

It's not always easy. It took Peeta a long time to get used to living in Evanston and I was terrified when I was pregnant with Willow. I was so scared I was going to miscarry and lose the baby again. I cried the first time I felt her moving inside of me. It was the relief in knowing that she was alive and well inside of me.

We never did file the divorce papers. Neither did we have a big fancy ceremony to renew our vows. We kept things simple. Six months after we had moved to Evanston, Peeta brought some bread back from the bakery and we had a second toasting in front of the fireplace. We made simple promises to continue to work hard and love each other no matter what. We haven't looked back since.

I'm now only lecturing part time at Northwestern and my most recent research has been published and well received. Peeta handed the bakery in Panem to Rye and look a job in a large bakery chain. They were so impressed by his intricate designs they promoted him to head of Art and Design. I'm so proud of him and our children reap the benefits of all the treats he brings home.

We live a modest life in the north of Evanston and our children are the centre of our lives. Every weekend we pack up the minivan to find the next adventure.

We visit Panem a couple of times a year and our families always make a big fuss over us when we go. Peeta's really helped me appreciate Panem and all the family and friends we have there. The people of Panem know us the best and can be relied on during harder times. I actually look forward to going to Panem now.

Sage kicks her legs out as a bird flies above her head and knocks the postcard I had been writing off my knee. With one arm still cradling my daughter, I reach out to retrieve the postcard and shake the sand off it. My children have a habit of ruining the postcards I send. Cato was highly amused when his last postcard arrived with ice-cream stains all over it.

Cato and I still keep in touch through the sending of postcards of our latest travels. He was one of the first people to send me an over the top balloon display to the hospital after Willow was born. He finally found himself a girl that loves him more than I could and is just learning to get to grips with fatherhood. His son was born a year ago and the nanny was hired two weeks after he was born. He's a very different father to Peeta but that doesn't mean he loves his son any less.

Peeta notices Sage squirming and manages to quieten Willow before he makes his way back over. Sage's gaze follows her father as he approaches and Peeta pulls a silly face at her before leaning over to tickle her chin. Sage giggles as she tries to swot his hand away and Peeta looks at her with a big smile.

Willow abandons her shell in front of us and immediately starts ordering Ash about to start making a sand castle for it. I smile at them both as she continues to boss him about.

"She definitely gets that bossiness from you," Peeta says putting an arm around my shoulder and placing a kiss on the side of my head.

I turn to him with a scowl.

"I'm not bossy. I just like things to be done a certain way," I say. "Besides you could win awards for how bossy you are in the kitchen!"

Peeta chuckles as he gently squeezes my shoulder. Sage continues to look up at him and makes a little squeak as she stretches her arms out for him.

"Dada…" she says.

She continues to waggle her arms out for him and I sigh and shake my head.

"You're always the one they want. You're definitely the favourite parent," I grumble as I pass Sage to Peeta.

She smiles broadly as Peeta takes her in his arms and sits her on his lap. He places a kiss on her blonde head as he smiles back smugly at me.

"That's because I bake all the cookies," he says with a grin.

I sigh again as I shake my head. But I don't really mind that my children constantly seek Peeta out. He surpasses all of my expectations as a father **.** He always puts our children first and is often seen covered in mud after an adventure with them at the park. I wouldn't miss seeing these moments for the world.

I sigh contemplatively as I rest my head against his shoulder and watch Willow and Ash continuing to build their sandcastle. The sun is setting rapidly now and I know we'll have to go soon and get back to the villa to put on dinner.

Peeta turns to look at me with a loving smile.

"I wish we could freeze this moment and live in it forever," he says as our children continue to play happily in front of us.

I smile up at him and lean up to place a soft kiss on his lips. This causes Willow and Ash to let out a noise of disgust but we just smile back at them.

I know what Peeta means. This afternoon has been close to perfect and it is sad to see it end. But I also know this won't be the last afternoon we spend like this together again. There will be plenty more days like this where we enjoy time together as a family and wish for the day not to end. And I don't want to miss any of them **.**

After all, having a family is our current big adventure.

* * *

 **A/N: And so we reach the end. I hope you enjoyed this little glimpse into the future. Hopefully it ties up all the loose ends.**

 **Thanks to everyone that has followed/favourited/reviewed this story. Your support makes writing so much easier. I should be back with a new story sometime in January. It you haven't already, go check out my Fandom4lls contribution called _Once_. It can be found on my author page and is set in a world where neither Katniss or Peeta were reaped.**

 **Finally a huge thanks to my Beta, LavendarVanila. She has been a HUGE help in sorting out all these chapters and has helped make it even better. She's a great Everlark writer too so go and check out her stories too.**

 **Thanks again for all the support. It's been great even when things in the story got rough.**


	16. Chapter 16 Author note

Just a quick note to say I've posted a prequel of sorts for this story. It's set before Katniss leaves Panem and before things started to go downhill with Peeta. It's called _How can I say no?_ and can be found on my author page if you want to read it.


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